Let’s talk about sex: Has your marriage become asexual?

IT’S time to talk about sex, more specifically, your married sex life. Has your marriage become asexual? body+soul sex expert Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers the tough relationship questions and gives advice.

Create a culture of affection so sex isn’t only a subject on the rare occasion

IT’S time to talk about sex, more specifically, your married sex life. Has your marriage become asexual? Sex expert Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers the tough relationship questions and gives advice.

HAS YOUR MARRIAGE BECOME ASEXUAL?

The couples who become asexual over time are the ones who regard sex as a side activity to squeeze in once a month, rather than nurture their connection daily.

If you don’t know where to start, reach for a communication guide for couples instead of a sex book so you can (re)build your foundation together.

There are also some great daily conversation starter books available for couples looking to deepen their bond and rekindle romance.

It will help you to create a relationship of affection that isn’t focused on enhancing occasional sex when you can manage it between kids, stress, depression and pain.

Q: My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years and previously enjoyed a healthy sex life. Now we only have sex a few times a year. For me, anxiety, depression and shiftwork has made it hard for us to connect. Her common complaints are fatigue, abdominal pain and nausea. We also have a teenager at home who tends to settle later at night. We’re almost living a purely platonic relationship. Any advice?

A: While you have a list of obstacles to a satisfying sex life, all the issues you face are also common among other couples. You’re not isolated in your situation.

However, it’s important to realise that we can’t just turn arousal on like a light switch when there are things like physical pain and mental anxiety that can block sexual desire and function.

So you need to make changes: one, prioritise “alone time” together, and that time doesn’t always have to involve sex. Second, create a path back to sexual desire for one another, and within yourselves.

You can’t expect intimacy to grow if you don’t nurture it along the way. Date nights are crucial. And so is time talking together.

Before reaching for your electronic devices, pause and chat to each other instead. Go for a walk together.

Find time before your shift to do things you both enjoy. Carve out some time to reconnect, just the two of you.

And because you have obstacles, like pain and depression, it’s important to keep the pressure of sex within a healthy perspective.

This means you both understand that sex will come from an environment that feels loving and safe together, where each touch isn’t only an invitation for intercourse.

Become comfortable again cuddling and holding hands, kissing and talking, and complimenting each other.

Create a culture of affection so sex isn’t only a subject on the rare occasion when you touch one another, hoping you’re both not too exhausted or in pain (be sure to address this with your medical providers).

It’s time you both created some fully developed intimacy. It’s the loving, connected couples who have fulfilling sex lives because their lives are structured around a core value of being each other’s priority as romantic partners.

Use your relationship to bring greater joy and health to your lives rather than drain it further. Once you see each other as a support to a happier, more loving life, you will find passion naturally follows — with more sex. Both of you must invest in building renewed love and devotion.

Originally published as Let’s talk about sex: Has your marriage become asexual?