Sex therapist Pauline Ryeland reveals the biggest between-the-sheets concerns of clients

They hear our innermost thoughts and desires, but a surprising number of us have the same bugbears between the sheets. Men, however, have a new issue.

Pauline Ryeland is busy. Well you would be too with this job title: “intimacy, sex, relationship and libido coach and educator”.

“I specialise in all those areas but predominantly I do a lot of libido coaching,” she told news.com.au.

“With libido coaching, it’s all the different reasons why people have lost their libido — not just the physical but the emotional and mental as well. Getting them more connected to themselves is the first step before teaching them to activate their sexual energy.”

It sounds exhausting.

Ms Ryeland, who will take part in Sexpo in Melbourne in early November, paraphrases her job as an “intimacy whisperer”, but in layman’s terms, she’s a sex therapist.

When it comes to her clients, there are a few issues in the downstairs department that constantly come to the fore. But with blokes, there’s a mysterious ailment of the penis that’s becoming a lot more discussed.

“If you break sex down — it’s energy, it’s our life forces,” she said.

“Look at the society we’re living in. We’re all on our phones and disconnected. When you’re more in flow, you’ll get more from sex because you’re more connected.”

Sex therapist Pauline Ryeland says her clients have similar concerns about their sex lives.

WHAT EVERYONE ASKS SEX THERAPISTS

Ms Ryeland’s career swerved into the sexual ailments of Australians eight years ago. She tried to explain to a friend that she wanted to work in the field of health and wellbeing.

“But it seemed boring, and then out of my mouth came the word ‘sex’ and she said, ‘Well, you know more about sex than anyone I know’. And I thought, ‘Well, I’ll give it a go.”

Ms Ryeland has now had more than 100 clients and sees around 10 at a time, either in person or online or over the phone.

And while many people have come through her doors, a surprising number have questions about very similar conditions.

“The predominant thing with women is loss of libido. Also not experiencing orgasms or only occasionally,” she said.

“For men, it’s erections — losing them, not maintaining them or premature ejaculation.”

The root cause of the issue was often in our heads, Ms Ryeland said. We can stress ourselves so much about sex, we forget to enjoy it.

“Sometimes people almost have a checklist of the things in their head they have to do (during sex), to do this and that, and it breaks the natural flow.,” Ms Ryeland said.

“A bloke may be hoping he doesn’t lose his erection. She could wondering whether she will have an orgasm, and it creates all this tension and space.

“People are too busy doing sex instead of experiencing sex. Everything is goal oriented — that sex equals ejaculation.”

She uses a technique called “somatic sexual bodywork”, which she described as “teaching the body to rewire itself, connecting the brain to the genitalia”.

“I teach people how to get out of their heads and into their bodies,” Ms Ryeland said.

Once you’re in your body, it seems, it all gets very busy down there.

“When you let go of outcome, like orgasm, your natural sexual energy starts to move a lot more and then sexual energy can move naturally. Then you can become orgasmic,” she said.

Sex therapist Pauline Ryeland has been in the business for about eight years.

TOO MUCH BEND

For some men, there’s an issue she’s hearing a lot more of. And it can make sex almost impossible.

“Lately I’ve be doing a lot of work with men with Peyronie’s (disease), which is where the penis bends,” Ms Ryeland said.

Now, this isn’t the common or garden kink in the little chap — which means it stands somewhat off centre that many men have and don’t think twice about. Rather, it’s a member that gets progressively bendier.

Usually, it affects older men and occurs when scar tissue creates fibrous lumps that push the penis off course. Surgery is usually only considered when other techniques have tried, and failed, to point Percy back towards the porcelain.

“I’m seeing younger men with it and (medical professionals) say it’s because you’ve knocked the penis, but in my experience, that’s not the case,” Ms Ryeland said.

“It can make intercourse complicated and can be painful.”

Ms Ryeland said she had a client who hadn’t been able to have sex for 10 years.

“They are emotional wrecks. He was about to have his third surgery and I said no, you’re not having surgery, not on my watch,” she said.

Instead, Ms Ryeland encouraged other techniques such as massaging the tissue to encourage it to break down.

“He had nerve damage and was in constant pain. That pain is now gone and now I’m teaching him to reconnect because he’s been disconnected from his genitalia for a decade,” she said.

Most of Ms Ryeland’s work is with the mind, but she says she can get “hands on” if clients have pain or conditions like Peyronie’s.

Ms Ryeland will be appearing at Sexpo (above) in Melbourne from November 8-10. Picture: Richard Gosling

Ms Ryeland has completed a number of courses — in subjects like tantra and in neuro-linguistic programming, the latter known as NLP. It purports to be able to look at how people’s minds and language can affect their behaviours. However, it’s also been criticised as “pseudoscience” and as mere “pop psychology”.

But Ms Ryeland is unfazed and insisted NLP had a bona fide place in her work.

“The main thing is emotions. People can be frustrated if they are not having an orgasm, there’s a bit of shame and guilt in there. I work with NLP to remove the emotions on a cellular level so people are not looking in the past and can move forward,” she said.

What about referring her clients onto other professionals if she can’t help with the issues they present with? Ms Ryeland said she had sent people on to a naturopath or kinesiologist, who study movement.

But a doctor? “Never to the doctor because they just prescribe drugs like Viagra, and Viagra is just a Band-Aid, a quick fix,” she said.

At Sexpo, which runs from November 8-10 in Melbourne and dubs itself as a sexuality and lifestyle exhibition, My Ryeland will be holding seminars on issues including sexual communication, libido and “awakening you sexual energy”.

She said Australians were now far more relaxed talking about their bedroom antics and the hiccups that come with them.

“When I first started working, some people were shocked as it was very out there. But now it’s more acceptable, more people are becoming conscious and it’s not such a big deal anymore,” she said.