Australians who refuse to wear face masks, listen up — there’s a free alternative on offer

Freedom-loving and conspiracy theory-believing Melburnians who refuse to wear masks, there’s an alternative on offer and it’s free under Medicare.

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Move over Eureka Stockade! There’s a new uprising of the people in town.

A small but vocal group of freedom-defending Melburnians are defiantly refusing to wear a face mask to help protect against coronavirus infection, as cases spike and the death toll mounts.

From reality television contestants to YouTube-dwelling 5G opponents, followers of the anti-masker movement have vowed to defy the public health to cover their face when out and about.

Some say it infringes on their fundamental freedom of expression and speech, and their internationally protected human rights.

Others claim that a face mask will cut off their oxygen supply, cause illness, inflame conditions like asthma or eczema, and even give them COVID-19.

There is a group who believe mandated masks are a symbol of a global conspiracy to push the pandemic hoax, involving microchips and shapeshifting lizard overlords … I think.

And a few are just keen to perform an act of civil disobedience in protest of the government, the nanny state, or the leadership of Daniel Andrews.

If you’re one of those mask-hating patriots, I have some good news!

There’s an alternative to affixing an affordable and effective piece of fabric to your face when you must leave the house.

And best of all, it’s completely covered by Medicare.

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Wearing a face mask when leaving your home in Greater Melbourne becomes mandatory from midnight. Picture: NCA NewsWire/Andrew Henshaw

Introducing the mechanical ventilator, which can breathe on your behalf when COVID-19 has ravaged your respiratory system to the point where you can’t.

If you absolutely refuse to wear a mask for yourself – and for the benefit of others – then you could soon be acquainted with this device.

Found in the intensive care unit at your local hospital, ventilators feature an endotracheal tube that’s shoved down your nose or throat and into the windpipe.

It’s then connected to the machine that forces a mix of air and oxygen into your lungs, which will by now be struggling to function.

Thanks to its nifty design, the doctors and nurses who will provide you around-the-clock care (while wearing face masks) can easily clean the inevitable build-up of mucus from the pipe in your throat with a bit of suction.

RELATED: The group of anti-maskers who are fighting mandatory face masks

Refuse to wear a face mask for some bizarre reason? This could be your alternative. Picture: Jake Nowakowski

Seriously, just wear a face mask. It’s not a big deal. Picture: NCA NewsWire/Andrew Henshaw

Of course, if you need to be on a ventilator for an extended period, you won’t need to worry about phlegm and other gunk.

Instead, a doctor will carry out a tracheotomy to allow for longer-term ventilation.

They’ll do this by taking a scalpel and slicing a hole in your throat, through which they’ll insert the breathing tube. Convenient!

There are currently enough ventilators to go around, but if your baseless theories and beliefs – which enshrined freedom of speech in our non-existent Bill of Rights allows you to spew on Facebook – spread half as well as coronavirus, that might not be the case for long.

In that instance, as was the case in Italy and Spain, doctors might be forced to decide who gets care based on criteria like age. Fingers crossed your nanna doesn’t need one.

RELATED: Key face mask questions answered

Musician Ziggy Alberts has slammed Victoria’s new face mask policy on Instagram.

But opting for a ventilator over a face mask doesn’t require you to be old.

Hospital presentations around the world have been skewing younger of late, with a rising number of otherwise fit and healthy people hooked up to ventilators in ICU.

For anti-maskers, you might need to get acquainted with the concept of having things cover your face – like a non-invasive breathing mask.

Emerging scientific evidence about the long-term impacts on the body of a coronavirus infection show diminished lung capacity. That’s not to mention the alarming data on blood clots, stroke and cognitive impairment.

If you really don’t like face masks, you’re really going to hate a mechanical ventilator.