Woman whose partner died criticises lack of marriage recognition

WEEKS ago her second child was born. Days ago her partner died. Now a woman says her children’s future is at stake because her marriage has been ignored.

A WOMAN whose partner died has described her agonising ordeal when her relationship wasn’t recognised, despite her insistence she was married.

The ignorance around her relationship, Lara Ryan wrote in a social media post, had put her children’s future at risk and made the process of grieving far worse.

Lara, a naturopath from Tempe in Sydney’s inner west, married her partner Elise in 2010, with the couple having two children — the youngest of whom was born just weeks ago in mid January.

Last month, Elise died in what her partner called a “hideous pedestrian accident”.

But it was the treatment she received after Elise’s death that galvanised Lara into speaking publicly about the real-life ramifications of same-sex couples being refused the right to marry.

After her partner’s death, Lara wrote on Facebook: “I had to ask policemen if I was ‘allowed’ to write ‘spouse’ on incident reports.

“I had to cross out boxes for husband on the death certificate and boxes for father on our new baby’s birth certificate (both on the same day).

“I had to yell out in a busy, crazy emergency room, ‘She is my wife, I know it’s not legal but she is my wife!’”

Lara and Elise Ryan had two children together. Picture: Facebook

BECAUSE LOVE IS LOVE

Marriage equality advocates said Parliament needed to listen to Lara, “do its job” and legislate for marriage equality.

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull says that if the Coalition is re-elected Australians will be asked if they support same-sex marriage in a plebiscite to be held after the federal election, at a date yet to be determined.

Labor leader Bill Shorten says he will move to legalise same-sex marriage in his first 100 days of office if he becomes prime minister. However, Labor MPs will not be bound to vote for marriage equality until 2019, meaning the proposal could still fail in the medium term.

Lara said she and Elise were “never political” but her experience had highlighted why marriage equality was needed.

“We just did our thing, did our life our way and tried to live by example to shift people’s hearts rather than pushing agendas,” she wrote.

“But the amount of freaking paper work I am having to do to secure mine and my children’s future welfare is just ridiculous when all it would take is one marriage certificate.”

But Lara said the main reason marriage equality was so important was simple: “Because I love her, and she has been my every day for 10 years.

“She is the mother of our two girls, she is the future I dreamed of and she is my safe place to land.

“Because love is love and we should celebrate it and encourage it always. The world is harsh enough. #thisiswhy.”

Talking to news.com.au, Lara said her and Elise had met in 2005 and had their marriage ceremony, on the NSW North Coast, complete with family, friends and a minister officiating. The only thing missing was a legal certificate to prove their relationship.

“We had a mortgage, we had our money together, I even legally changed my name. We were as married as we could be,” she said.

“If we had the choice to be married, we would have taken it.”

Lara said she was disappointed those against marriage equality were bringing kids into the debate bearing in mind any change to the Marriage Act would have no effect on who could bring up children.

“Say what you want to about me, I’ve got at thick skin but not my children,” she said.

“My little kid will tell anyone, ‘my name’s Ivy and I’ve got two mums’. I’ve never had her lie on our behalf and I want her to have as much pride in her parents as any other kid.”

David and Marco Bulmer-Rizzi on their Australian honeymoon in January. After David’s death, their UK marriage was not recognised, forcing all decisions to be taken by his father in Britain. Picture: Facebook

HUMILIATED

A fundraising page has been set up by a friend to help the family now they have gone from two working mums to Lara looking after the children alone.

Lara’s and Elise’s case has echoes of British man Marco Bulmer-Rizzi whose relationship also wasn’t recognised after his partner’s death. While they honeymooned in Adelaide in January, Marco’s partner David tragically died

When Marco filled in the paperwork after David’s death, he was told his marriage would not be recorded.

Despite the couple being legally wed in the UK, South Australia did not recognise overseas same-sex marriages. Instead the death certificate read, “never married”.

As a result, every decision Marco wanted to make, from whether David should be cremated to what coffin to use, had to be rubber-stamped by his late husband’s father back in the UK.

Talking to news.com.au, Marco said. “Literally within an hour [of David’s death], I had no choice but to deny that we ever married. It made me feel humiliated and lonely. I felt like it was 20 years ago when you couldn’t come out for fear of being treated differently.”

Following an outpouring of anger about Marco’s predicament, South Australian Premier Jay Weatherill said the government would introduce legislation to the Parliament, similar to that already in place in the eastern states, to recognise overseas same-sex marriage.

National Director of Australian Marriage Equality, Rodney Croome, said Lara’s experience illustrated the “very real human impact” of excluding same-sex couples from marriage. “Partners like Lara shouldn’t have to wait until a costly, unnecessary plebiscite next year. They need Parliament to do its job and pass marriage equality right now.”