Forget happiness, tough times are better for you

THERE are three secrets to a good life. But none of them involve being happy. Here's what you need to know. 

Happiness

IF LIFE was a shop Hugh Mackay would avoid the aisle marked happiness. Well, maybe not avoid it completely, he'd probably duck in there every now and then, but not before he'd filled most of his trolley with sadness, loss, hardship, love and compassion.

They're the ingredients to living a good life, if not the best version of it. And that's the subject of the veteran Australian social researcher's latest book, The Good Life, which rejects the ‘find happiness' mantra that's been doing the rounds for the past 20 years.

"Happiness is actually the great distractor from the notion of the good life. Sadness and failure have much more to teach us. We learn so much more from our hardships and struggles than we ever will from our happy times,” says Mr Mackay.

"Our focus must be wholeness not happiness. Because happiness,like every other emotion, is fleeting. We will be happy and then we won't. We'll suffer loss, grief, breakdowns. Life is wonderful and dark."

And tolerance, kindness and social respect are the most important ingredients for survival.

Mackay reckons our obsession with happiness started with the baby boomer generation. A group who keenly rejected the frugal 'save' mentality of their depression era parents, and lived to spend up big and live large.

But consumer comforts only got them so far and so began a quest for feeding the inner self and cultivating on what Mackay calls the 'Me Generation'.

When you consider our present day social media boom, it's obvious many of us haven't really stepped too far from that ledge.

We focus on cultivating deliberate images of ourselves, even in the comfort of our personal lives. Our Facebook status updates, tweets and 'selfies' reflect only the very best version of who we want others to think we are.

But Mackay argues none of that is doing us any good, and while we might look good from the outside, our insides are beginning to resemble a vacuous pile of stinking self-interest.

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Also, we're not happier. Statistics from Black Dog Institute put our national rate of depression as high as one in seven adults.

Looking after yourself is not the problem here. Mackay tells news.com.au that in order to be a functioning adult and live your best life, a person needs to take responsibility for their fitness, mental health and sense of purpose - but living your best life requires more than that.

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Giving back to your community is an easy place to start.

"Humans are by nature part of a pack and a herd. But for some reason we've turned our back on that idea. We've gotten stuck in the mindset that to be happy and have a good life we need to focus on ourselves,but too much self-reflection is dangerous and pointless," he argues.

"We're not talking about heroic acts here or doing something because you know you will be rewarded. It's the simple actions that happen in the every day. Helping an elderly person to cross the street,volunteering at the local surf club,donating money to a charity that you believe in."

As the founder of the Happiness Institute, Dr Timothy Sharp is probably the biggest advocate for personal fulfillment you can find.

Dr Sharp has not read Mackay's book but he told news.com.au that he doesn't necessarily disagree with his hypothesis.

"The important thing here is definition. Happiness in my frame of view does not mean self-interest and selfishness,either. We also can't discount the positive impact happiness and the pursuit of happy emotions and thoughts can have on a person's ability to live a good life. If for no other reason than because when we are happy,we are more inclined to do the right thing for others around us," he said.

So long as that happiness feeling is genuine, Mackay argues. "If we drink, eat, or pop pills to feel a certain emotion like happiness, then we are not feeling true happiness ,we are inauthentic."

Are you feeling overwhelmed yet? Or have you started to wonder how living a good life could seem so complicated? Well, relax. Mackay says there are three simple ways to kick-start your best life.

Here they are, in Mackay's in own words:

1. Listen attentively to other people. When you give someone else your full attention they feel as if they are being taken seriously and that is by far the most important thing for most people.

2. Apologise sincerely. When you have hurt someone you must say sorry and mean it so that whatever occurred can repair.

To not apologise is basically to say, 'I know I have wronged you and I am not going to do anything about that'.

3. Learn how to forgive. The other side of the coin. When someone does apologise to you for something they have done, you need to forgive them graciously and totally.

The Good Life, What Makes a Life Worth Living, is published by Pan Macmillan