What Em Rusciano was really thinking while watching the Victoria’s Secret runway show
AS A group of impossibly perfect women strutted down a runway in teeny tiny knickers yesterday, Em Rusciano was thinking about one unfortunate thing.
YESTERDAY, in a sexy, secret, lingerie lair, 15 impossibly gorgeous “angels” and 29 other sub-sprites, who didn’t quite earn their wings (including one of the Kardashian siblings) walked the hell out of a runway dressed in teeny, weeny undies with feathers and planets attached.
REJOICE teenage boys of the world, for today Victoria spilt her secrets!
It was an epic knickers fiesta as you can well imagine. Besides the glamazons in elaborate craft projects, Selena Gomez and The Weeknd sung their hits, tried not to get in the way and I’m sure made meaningful eye contact with the girls upon their return from the catwalk.
Up until today the 2015 Victoria’s Secret parade has been shrouded in secrecy, even NASA were all like: “Calm your farm Victoria’s Secret. Have you invented a pair of jocks that turns even the saggiest of bottoms into a high, tight peach?!”
I think my favourite part of the show is seeing all the male celebs trying not to look creepy in the front row (I’m looking at you Biebs). Imagine how hard it must be for those bros to suppress their need to high five the dude next to them when one of the ladies casually pops a nipple.
The struggle is real yo. I admit it! I like looking at freakishly attractive women, of course I do. I marvel at their pucker free arses, perfect streak free tans and silky smooth thighs. Yes of course I obsessively compare my body to theirs.
The other thing that seeing these women compels me to do, besides drink two litres of water a day, squat continuously and live exclusively on kale, is to serve underwear enthusiasts everywhere with some real talk.
Those undies, the ones on the runway, are not what’s going on for most women. Yes, when a relationship is new or if a special occasion calls for it, we may sauce it up in the foundation garment arena, but most of the time, well ... Remember that lady at the races last week who in a moment of unadulterated weather related joy, stripped off to her practical granny undies and gave zero f***s about what people thought of her?
Yep, somewhere in that realm is the reality for most women. Not all of course, I know some of you can still be bothered buying cute matching undies from Bras N Things, but I feel confident saying that a lot of us are just grateful for a clean pair that secures our bits and doesn’t aggressively invade our anus.
When I saw super model and V.S. Angel Lily Aldridge in her multi-million dollar, diamond encrusted fantasy bra (which is the big ticket item in today’s parade), I felt a little sorry for her. Look into her eyes, really look, can you see the pain?!
There is NOTHING practical about this situation. It’s like a pair of angry, fabulous, robot star fish have taken up residence on her upper hip area. Also when she finally gets it off, after picking up the kids and doing the food shopping, that string of jewels running straight up her arse crack, I can guarantee you, no matter how committed she is to the wiping, will have a brown stain on it.
Yep, I totally took you there. I’m talking poo diamonds you guys ... Poomonds.
I’m sorry I’ve broken Victoria’s Secret for you haven’t I? In New York all 15 of the angels’s wings just inexplicably fell off and burst into flames.
SOZ!
Sure, enjoy the pictures from today’s show, enjoy the heck out of them, I’ll even whack them at the end of this column for your viewing pleasure, I’m generous like that. But you can keep your studded, black lace rimmed, rubber thong and give me a pair of white cotton tails any day of the week.
Look, maybe it’s because I’m in my mid 30s and not as concerned with my underwear matching as I once was but I feel my vagina has earned herself a life of comfort. Not some $2 million s*** stained crown.
Goooooo ANGELS!
Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
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