Em Rusciano: 10 reasons retail shopping malls are the worst thing ever

WHY do shopping trips turn into a personal escape from Alcatraz? I’m told women actually enjoy shopping. Am I broken?

‘Shopping malls are the worst thing ever’

MY SISTER is getting married in just over a week and true to form, I have left finding an outfit to wear to the very last minute.

The thing is, I desperately hate shopping. I believe most if not all Zombie-themed movies are based upon the comings and goings of shopping malls. Hoards of red eyed, slack jawed, living dead (who lost their humanity somewhere between Sportsgirl and Boost Juice) wandering aimlessly in brightly lit, clocks-less, overheated spaces. Most forgetting why they even turned up to the mausoleums of mass consumption in the first place.

Yes, I really, really, really hate shopping.

Let me give you the 10-point plan of exactly what happened to me yesterday.

1. I arrived bright eyed and full of purpose at 9am to avoid the crowds. As I was gathering up my things I made a solemn vow to myself that I would NOT be more than one hour. I had a list and a deadline; “this time is going to be different” I said to stupid, hopeful Em in the rear vision mirror.

2. As soon as I entered the shopping mall, I immediately began sweating. Seriously, why must the heating be so high?! Buying clothes is not a high impact sport, I don’t need nasty pitt stains when trying on dresses worth hundreds of dollars. No one needs that, and yet there I was, sweating like a nun at a cucumber stand.

3. Thirty minutes had passed and I was yet to try one thing on. I had spent that time walking by shops trying to assess which ones had the least terrifying assistants. This kind of intense reconnaissance work takes time but is an essential step if I’m to have any hope of success.

4. I finally enter a shop at the one-hour mark. I try to avoid the people working in there until I’m absolutely sure I want to try something on. Why? Because I have small talk tourettes, it’s horrific. Think Rain Man meets the Swedish chef from the Muppets. I either go in too hard/loud/fast/soft or inappropriate. I have no middle ground.

5. I trawl the racks looking for something to try on, I succeed and make my way into the change room and immediately regret my choice of underwear and socks. Why can I never forward plan these things? Why can’t I be the person wearing nude, smoothing underwear? Why can’t I be the person wearing sockettes?! FACT: I will never be a person who own sockettes, you know those dainty, half bootie things that make it look like you’re not wearing any socks when you actually are! I’m the d***head who popped on a robust pair of explorer socks and can’t take them off due to the state of my feet so I end up in a Carla Zampatti meets the Bush tucker man situation.

Good god, look at all those people.

6. About 1.5 hours have passed and I am still in change room number one, I’ve tried on most things in the shop, look ridiculous in everything and feel guilty about leaving with nothing. The store ladies are so over me by this point, I know how they feel. I’ve broken a zip, got my head caught twice and refused to come out to show them what I look like in the outfits.

7. Hour two and I am no closer to finding what I came for. It’s at this point I find a stationery shop to soothe myself with. I buy multiple, useless items from my safe place and instantly feel better. Did I NEED the pen with a pug perched atop it? No. However the pug didn’t leave me feeling vulnerable and questioning all my life choices, so he got a run.

8. Hour three and I’ve repeated step five at least 10 more times. I’m getting desperate. I’m in severe emotional distress. I need food and water but fear that if I sit down I may never get back up again. Must maintain the rage. Must keep pushing forward. Need wedding outfit.

9. Hour 3.5. Back at stationery shop. Buy “Pug life” notebook and “I like big Pugs and I cannot lie” tote bag. Get sucked into buying pug toilet paper at the counter, it’s on sale for $5 you guys.

FOR ONE BLOODY ROLL! What was I even thinking? You can get 37 rolls for that at Aldi! I’m not even that into pugs!

10. Hour five. Yes. HOUR FIVE. I admit defeat and drag myself back to the car, I then sit in the car crying.

That’s right I spent five hours in a shopping mall and all I have to show for it is this.

The safety of pugs. Yes, I went there, and I don’t even like pugs.

Do you think I could fashion that tote into a frock?

What should have been a leisurely frolic turned out to be my own personal escape from Alcatraz. Why do I get so worked up over these things?

I am lead to believe that a lot of women find shopping enjoyable, am I broken?

Obviously you don’t need to answer that, clearly I am.

Let me know if you see anything out there you think would suit me, I want something fierce, structured, chic, slimming, comfortable, well priced, of good quality and blue with a hint of sparkle.

Size 8/10 depending on the lycra content.

I mean, I’ll give you the money, just please don’t make me go and try it on OK?

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Twitter,Facebook and Instagram.