We’re calling it: These are the world’s dullest conversation topics

WE ALL know them. The people we hate being stuck with at a party. So here are the 10 conversation topics you need to avoid.

WITH the silly season upon us, your calendar is no doubt back-to-back with festive shindigs where small talk will be the mainstay.

Not all conversations are created equal and if you want to engage in stimulating banter then here’s your list of must-avoid topics if you don’t want to be branded an utter bore. And if you find yourself on the receiving end of one of these monotonous monologues, you have our permission to fake a phone call and excuse yourself.

YOUR EXERCISE REGIMEN

Whether you just did a gazillion kippings at Crossfit or a really creative “flow” in yoga, limit your exercise recaps to two words max — “I’m smashed” or “I’m Zen” will do the trick.

YOU

If you constantly find yourself saying, “That reminds me of something I’ve done”, then you’re probably lecturing not conversing. Try peppering your convo with a question or two and actually listening to the response — people will like you a lot more.

CALORIE COUNTS

Yes thankyou, I do realise that this pizza has more calories than a typical day of food but I’m still going to inhale it. Go ahead and gloat over your tabouli.

WEIGHT LOSS

Whether you’ve lost 10g or 10kg, I love you anyway. Be happy, be vivacious and rock your body but throw out the scales for god’s sake — they’ve hijacked your voice box.

DREAMS

Yes your dream might have been vivid/scary/weird but I wasn’t there and no, I can’t quite imagine how your house turned into a river and you were eating cupcakes. Pick up a dream dictionary, work out what it meant then talk to me about what’s really on your mind.

What’s that? You dreamt what last night? YAWN! Picture: Matt Cardy/Getty Images

NOT-SO-FUNNY KIDS STORIES

We need a system (and a social media platform) to separate toddler antics that are worth repeating and those that are only funny to the child’s parents. Some kids — like my friend’s little girl whose attempt to be mean was shouting, “You big fairy princess” — are funny on a Ronny Cheng level and deserve to be quoted. But your kid’s mispronunciation of words is going to have to resemble a particularly vulgar expletive if it’s going to get my attention.

DRUNKEN RECAPS

Gutter vomiting stories are a dime-a-dozen, and like the unfunny kids stories, can we request you limit your “epic” tales to ones that are far outside the box? Until you can give me recounts of near-deaths, cringe-worthy foot-in-mouths or waking up with barbecue chicken pieces in your ears and your sneakers (true story) then let’s move this conversation along.

SELF-DIAGNOSED ILLNESSES

If you’ve managed to leave the house then it’s not the flu — it’s a cold — and moaning won’t make you (or me) feel better.

PREGNANCY AMONGST THE NON-PREGNANT

Creating life is undisputedly amazing and you should absolutely celebrate the kicks and lament your cramps. But there’s a line that a gaggle of pregnant women can cross that leaves the empty-wombed feeling left out and unappreciated, so feel free to broaden the scope a little.

LONG-WINDED TRAVEL STORIES

Practice your travel “elevator pitch” and reduce your must-see destinations into a couple of snappy sentences. If you get our attention quickly, we’ll ask for more detail and the floor will be yours to share stories of “really local” Moroccan adventures. But if you jump right into a lengthy oration of your “life changing” journey, we’ll vague out.