How to survive your work Christmas party

THE problem with Christmas parties is that people are pretty desperate for goss. So put down that shot, stop twerking, and please don’t have sex in the toilets.

This is the type of Christmas Party gold your workmates will never stop talking about.

AH, THE work Christmas party, when awful conversations move from the elevator to the pub.

Work Christmas parties can be legendary but the majority of them are very boring. So — like long haul flights and Instagram stalking your ex — they’re best done with a litre of wine.

The thing is, people get pretty desperate for good Christmas party goss so when there is some it hangs around for a long time. Seriously. A friend and I still talk about a DVD store Christmas party we went to 13 years ago. 13 years, people.

I don’t want you to become the talk of the town (the break room) come Monday and well into 2017 so here’s some tips to help you survive.

THE SMALL TALK

You’ve avoided the busy hours in the tearoom all year but there is no escaping the dreaded office small talk at the Xmas party.

Strap yourself in for 45 minutes of weather chat with Duncan the cleaner or an hour long “what are you watching on Netflix?” chat with Chantelle from HR.

DON’T BITCH ABOUT WORKMATES

They’re probably standing directly behind you.

NO NAME-CALLING

I mean this in the literal sense. Don’t try and call people by their names. You’re going to call Matt from tech Michael and it’ll be awkward.

Cut the risk by calling everyone “You” “Mate” “Buddy” “Legend” etc.

DON’T TEASE THE DJ

There’s a high chance he’s your boss’s kid or nephew.

Even when he plays Black Eyed Peas’ I gotta feelin for the third time, zip it.

DON’T ASK WHEN THE BABY IS DUE

Do not — under any circumstances — ask a female employee when her baby is due. Even if you are 98 per cent certain she is carrying triplets. Even if she is in her 35th week, do not ask. If you are wrong and she isn’t preggas it is the end of everything. Forevs.

DON’T DO JOKES

That joke you think isn’t racist … probably is.

NO ONE CARES THAT YOU’VE QUIT SUGAR

Stop talking about it. This is also a tip for everyday life.

DON’T ASK THE GAY EMPLOYEE TO START THE DANCE FLOOR

Whether it is a wedding, a 21st or a work Christmas party us gays get asked to do this a lot. It’s exhausting being the life of the party.

DON’T TWERK

If you are old enough to read this, you’re too old to twerk.

DON’T DO SHOTS

No.

DON’T KICK ON AFTER

Not worth it. Go home.

EXIT STRATEGY

Daryl Braithwaite’s Horses will be the last song. It always is. When you hear that sweet opening line ‘We will fly, way up high,’ leave. Beat the crowd. Cab rank to yourself. You’re welcome.

And finally for the love of Jesus DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE IN THE TOILETS.

Have some Christmas dignity and use the car park.

Merry Christmas!

And rage on, people.

Nath Valvo is a comedian and he’s touring Australia in 2017. Find him on Facebook and Twitter.