Dear Santa, I’ve been a naughty parent

IT’S not easy to admit these parenting sins. But when it comes to the naughty and nice list, Kylie Orr knows exactly where she belongs.

Dear Santa, I’ve been a naughty mum

DEAR Santa,

I know you’re at the pointy end of the year where you put your red judgmental hat on and stalk us until you decide who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

It’s probably more efficient to list all the things I’ve done that would get me a gig on the nice list. It’s much shorter.

Then again, the naughty list is so much more interesting.

So, Santa, in the spirit of full disclosure, here’s my honest list of parenting sins.

KINDER AND SCHOOL COMMITMENTS

— I considered skipping the preschool Christmas concert because the thought of one more ludicrously off-key carol had me breaking out into hives.

— I snuck a bottle of grown-up grape juice into the school end-of-year concert/picnic and drank it out of my kids’ plastic cups.

— I looked up Pinterest to gain creative inspiration for the ‘bring a plate’ end of year class party. I pinned gorgeous little Santas made from strawberries and Rudolph shaped biscuits with adorable pretzel antlers, then I bought a packet of Tim Tams and shoved them in my child’s school bag.

SHOPPING

— I started spreadsheets to keep track of the presents I had bought, to ensure everything was even and fair and spread like a thin layer of Nutella across my four children. After entering two gifts in the first column I ditched the spread sheet and eyeballed the loot, declaring “that’ll do”.

EATING AND DRINKING

— I gave my children cereal for dinner and candy canes for dessert (in front of the TV) when I came down with a serious case of the couldn’t-be-bothereds.

— I’ve already overindulged in the eating arena and it’s not even the big day. I may have undone the top button on my jeans … more than once.

— I had a festive “wine session” with the neighbours which meant the kids put themselves to bed (and I woke up Monday morning to them on top of their bedcovers, fully clothed). They did get to school on time, however. I’m not negligent for Pete’s Sake!

DISCIPLINE

— I may have yelled at the children. Once. I’m tired, at year-end wit’s end and possibly slightly stressed about my complete lack of organisation when it comes to sorting out presents.

— I used Santa as a threat on a few occasions as well as threatened the kids that Santa’s elves/birds/helpers/Santa-cam/helicopters were all watching.

So, Santa, although I may have been a less than exemplary parent throughout December, what may not be so obvious is that I love my kids, and they know it. Not because I make super-inspiring gingerbread houses or buy them loads of expensive gifts, but because I appreciate who they are as little individuals and I make sure I tell them every day. And that’s what counts, right?

Kylie.

PS: Don’t listen to a word your Elf on the Shelf says. That little guy is evil.