Why are we so obsessed with Susan Sarandon’s boobs?

SUSAN Sarandon got her baps out at the SAG Awards yesterday and the internet is off its tits about it.

The 22nd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Show

OPINION

SUSAN Sarandon got her baps out at the SAG Awards yesterday and the internet is off its tits about it.

Here she is and I’m going to abstain from pointing out her age because, who cares, but clearly age is just a number baby!

Susan Sarandon pictured at yesterday’s SAG Awards. Not saggy at all. Picture: Christopher Polk/Getty Images for Turner

There were some douche lords who thought they’d be clever and incorporate the name of the award ceremony into criticising Sarandon’s efforts, insinuating that she had SAGgy cleavage.

saggy award for Susan Sarandon #sagawards

— ManosKez (@Rojoblanco) January 31, 2016

See what they did there? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. NO shut up now. Also, I thoroughly disagree, her breasts are nowhere near her belly button, the definitive indicator that boobs have given into gravity.

It’s fair to say that Sarandon’s chest is having a huge moment, people are RACING to see her cleave at a rate of knots, it is on of the most read story at this very website today. Here are 456 different angles and shots of her at the SAG Awards to fulfil your seemingly insatiable appetite.

Susan Sarandon’s boobs and Eva Amurri on the SAG red carpet. Picture: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

Even Kate Winslet couldn’t stop touching them. Picture: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Turner

OK, this is the last photo. Picture: Christopher Polk/Getty Images for Turner

Fine, one more. Picture: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Turner

The actual last one. But this doesn’t count because you can’t really see the boobs. Picture: John Sciulli/Getty Images for The Weinstein Company

What is your fascination with them? I mean yes: boobs, but I feel like there is something more. Were you thinking she’d have a couple of senior looking fleshy pancakes strapped under her pits with a strip of sequined Lycra up the middle? And then when you saw her you were all like: ‘THANK GOD they’re pleasing to the eye, well done Susan.’

Don’t you find it a teensy bit disappointing that instead of congratulating Susan on her nomination for The Secret Life of Marylin Monroe we’re spending our time congratulating her on her age defying cleavage?

Some of you will ague that she totally put them out there, and surely she knew that wearing an exposed bra on the red carpet at her age (GASP) would draw some attention.

Yes, I suppose you’re right and conceivably, if say, Joe Manganiello were to front up in a pair of arse-less tuxedo pants then we’d be talking about that today as well.

Here is an artist’s impression of what that would look like because I am a kind and generous person:

Yep, we’d definitely be talking about this. Matt Sayles/Invision/AP

But I think we need to work towards a time where people aren’t shocked that women over the age of 50 are still powerful and if they choose to be, sexual beings. I think we need to stop congratulating women for looking younger than they are, like it’s some kind of ultimate life prize. Obviously Susan looked fierce by anyone’s standards.

Honestly I’m torn. Because part of me wants to yell: “You go girl” at Susan and poke with wondrous awe at her breasts. The other part wants to go about my business, maintaining eye contact with her at all times, never allowing my gaze to wander southward to her magnificent bumps. STOP IT EM.

By the way, because we were all so focused on Susan’s cans we totally missed the real hero of the red carpet. Carol Burnett wore slippers because she gives zero f**ks about what you or the fashion police think.

So comfy! Picture: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

WERK CAROL.

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Facebook or listen to her podcast. She’s about to start touring her new show ‘Not a Diva’ around Australia.