Coronavirus Australia: How to get rid of wrinkles in isolation
With beauticians closed but many still needing their Botox fix, there is still one option to keep wrinkles at bay while in isolation.
OPINION
How can we ward off wrinkles in isolation? It’s the big question on all of our (pursed, crinkled) lips. So many women (and some pioneering men) are missing out on their regular Botox during the pandemic. How can we keep our faces intact until the cosmetic surgeries reopen?
Now, this is obviously not an issue for me as I do not need Botox. To quote the eternally youthful, porcelain Nicole Kidman, I get my good skin from sunscreen and water. Or, perhaps – to quote Nicole Kidman again – I tried Botox just once and I didn’t like it. Or, perhaps – to quote other people – I tried Botox and I loved it and I get a top-up every six months.
Either way, there will be no Botox in quarantine. From what hear, it is pretty much impossible to get injectables while maintaining an appropriate social distance.
Obviously, I don’t know exactly what is involved, as I get my good skin from organic soap and sorbolene.
However, my friends who get Botox tell me that the practitioner gets up really close to your face – like, so close you can see the tiny hairs in their nose – and injects you in multiple places while breathing right into your mouth.
So, what is a woman (or a pioneering man) with rapidly decreasing collagen and elastin to do?
It’s not a problem for me, because I get my good skin from eating bee pollen and activated charcoal, but for those of you with inferior nutrition, it is going to become an issue.
If, say, you were due for your six-monthly Botox injections just before the pandemic hit, and the wrinkle between your eyes was just starting to deepen again, by now you will be really bloody annoyed at yourself for not running to the clinic when all of this started to go down.
(I wasn’t talking about myself, of course. I get my good skin from regular meditation and the healing power of crystals.)
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Happily, there is hope for us all, and I shall explain it to you with “Science”.
The primary cause of wrinkles is age and UV rays, which is why Nicole and I always use so much sunscreen.
However, the other main cause of wrinkles is repeated facial expressions.
When we smile, frown or raise our eyebrows, grooves form beneath the surface of our skin, eventually etching themselves permanently into our face.
So, the answer in these difficult times is easy, and, thrillingly, it is free. To avoid wrinkling our faces in quarantine, we need to avoid making facial expressions.
Simply, do not emote.
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In the age of coronavirus, it is no longer feasible to laugh, cry, or express anger, horror or surprise.
Without Botox to paralyse our facial muscles, every unnecessary expression will do us harm. The only safe option is to remain completely neutral.
Your partner says, “I love you”? Don’t risk the wrinkles. Stay neutral.
A robber breaks into your house? Don’t let them steal your beauty as well as your money! Stay neutral.
Your child hacks off their own hair while you’re activating your charcoal? Creasing your face won’t make the hair grow back. Stay neutral.
Now, clearly, there will be times when a facial expression is required. If, for example, a person coughs near you in the street, it is important to shame them with a full face of disdain.
For the most part, though, you should remain completely deadpan. And there will be no problem conveying your feelings to others. Pre-prepare a selection of flash cards to describe your emotions and hold them up beneath your face when you are in conversation.
I suggest a starter pack covering the most common pandemic feelings, including “Bored”, “Fearful”, “Drunk” and “Feverish”, but feel free to add your own.
With a bit of restraint, and a lack of stimulation, we can all get through this Botox-free crisis without wrinkles.
Not that it’s an issue for me. I get my good skin from clean living and a positive attitude.
What can I say? I’m blessed.
Kerri Sackville is a freelance writer and author of Out There: A Survival Guide for Dating in Midlife | @KerriSackville