Bizarre new ‘butt-lifting’ trend doing the rounds on the internet
Women are taking extreme measures to get the butt of their Instagram dreams, but the latest trick to boost booties is utterly terrifying.
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Ladies. Is your butt too small? Is there insufficient junk in your trunk? Is your jelly not ready? Are you not bootylicious enough?
It is a modern problem. I mean, back in the ‘80s, small butts were aspirational. We all wanted one, and we feared the alternative. When we asked, “Does my butt look big in this?” we were hoping to elicit a vigorous denial, not a, “Hell yeah, baby! It’s huge!”
But fashions change and so do body types. These days, we want our butts big, globular and round, blown up taut like the pink balloons at one of those Instagram gender-reveal parties.
So what do you do if your butt is more Courteney Cox than Kim Kardashian? How can you get your butt large enough upon which to balance a champagne glass as you break the internet? (“It needs to be a shelf,” I hear you yell. “A SHELF!”)
There are exercises, of course, but they look tiring, and who has the time? There are butt implants and injections, but they are risky and expensive and involve needles and scalpels and pain.
But wait! There is now a third option, a treatment tool for the exercise averse, needle phobic among us whose butts need a little boost.
Fire.
Yes, fire — an ancient element that you may recognise from such roles as providing warmth, cooking food and lighting cigarettes — can now be employed to enlarge your derrière to a size Tammy Hembrow would probably (definitely) approve of.
You simply put it in a pot, stick the pot over your butt cheek and bam. Your big bum awaits.
The technique is called fire cupping (though “fire butting” seems more accurate), and a video of woman being fire butted (sorry, fire cupped) has been doing the rounds of the internet.
The flames create a vacuum of hot air around the woman’s butt cheek, sucking it into the pot and making it swell.
The results are impressive. The butt cheek in the video immediately inflates to twice its size, leading one to hope the practitioner offered the same treatment to the other cheek.
The problem is, of course, the butt will gradually deflate over the next couple of days. And this begs a few questions. For a start, how do you explain your sudden, massive a**e to your family and friends?
You turn up at a weekend away with a huge bum and leave on the Sunday night flat as a
pancake?
How often do you go back to the fire butter for a top-up? Do you take the fire butter with you on important occasions and fire up the kiln for a quick touch up in the loo?
Should you plump your butt before first dates and job interviews or would this set up unrealistic expectations? And if you meet someone for the first time with your butt enlarged, do you need to keep it enlarged for the duration of the relationship?
Do celebrities do their own fire butting? Do they keep pots and matches in the corner of their
bedroom, lighting up the fire as they sip their morning coffee and carefully inserting their butt cheeks into the opening?
Or is their butt technician permanently on call, ready to rush up with the pot to inflate the celebrity’s butt every time it gets a little low?
And, finally, does fire butting hurt? Does it singe? Does it take the hair off your a**e? Would it work for my boobs?
I thought about fire butting as I cooked some chicken fillets last night in a little round pan on my gas stove.
The flames looked enticing, and the pan looked just the right size to slip over my bum.
I could enhance my butt in the comfort of my own kitchen. I could put some more junk in my trunk!
Bruh that ass just went from 0-100 in a split of seconds. pic.twitter.com/FRLpRC2EW0
—  Duke Of Nyanzshire🇰🇪🇺🇸 (@HalfLuo) July 4, 2019
Alas, after some reflection (and an awareness I hadn’t yet bought a fire extinguisher), I decided against it. I may not be able to balance a champagne glass on my butt, but there is still a fourth option for me.
We’ve seen the return of leg warmers and the return of high-waisted jeans. Maybe, one day, if I hang in there with my bootylacking butt, ’80s bums will come back in style.
WHAT IS FIRE CUPPING?
According to a report in The Sun, fire cupping is an ancient alternative medicine where a therapist puts cups on the skin to create suction.
As the air inside the cup cools, this causes a vacuum that results in the skin rising and reddening while the blood vessels expand.
It is generally used in sports therapy, athletes use cupping to help with injuries, pain and increase blood flow and it can be used as an alternative to a deep tissue massage to increase circulation
Kerri Sackville is a freelance writer and author of Out There: A Survival Guide for Dating in Midlife. Continue the conversation @KerriSackville