What the hell, Gisele? If you’ve had a boob job just own it

BRAZILIAN supermodel Gisele Bündchen has outraged her fans for going under the knife. But comedian Em Rusciano says she shouldn’t hide her plastic surgery.

I WISH to categorically state that at some point in my life, I intend to get a touch of plastic surgery.

I don’t know when or what or where, but as soon as I get to the point where gravity has well and truly made my body its bitch, I’m going to show up at a plastic surgeon’s office and ask for the lot.

What has prompted my statement of intent to enhance? International business woman/super model/Victoria’s Secret goddess and mother of two Gisele Bündchen has. You see, Gisele has OUTRAGED every single person in her home country of Brasil (and probably other countries as well) by allegedly showing up to get a boob job in France, twist: wearing a Burqa.

http://t.co/BmZZrk2Qh9 Gisele Bundchen slammed by French people, Muslims for wearing a burqa #Fanuendo pic.twitter.com/M9SSJexWDJ

— Fanuendo (@Fanuendo) July 30, 2015

Initially I thought it may’ve been her choice of disguise that upset some people, she’s not exactly being sensitive in a religious context here. But no, it turns out that it’s the fact she bothered to cover up at all that’s caused the controversy. It’s been reported that those most upset with Gisele are her own country men and women. Her Brazilian fans are all like: what the hell Gisele?! Don’t bother mate, we get it! You’ve fed two kids with your chest, your breasts probably look like two sports socks with golf balls hanging down the bottom of them, you want to get them fixed. Don’t hide it! Embrace it!

She’s breastfed two kids, so there’s no point pretending everything’s pristine.

Apparently getting a lift, tuck and inflation isn’t really a big deal in Brazil, in fact, they don’t even consider it plastic surgery there, it’s just like going to the dentist! And we don’t wear a disguise to go to the dentist do we?

Gisele also made the mistake of very publicly announcing that she would NEVER get herself surgically enhanced. That she prefers to keep her situation natural, using a combination of yoga and ancient grains to maintain her high, tight, billion-dollar-earning a***.

I guess that’s plausible, I mean if you take a look at her Instagram account she REALLY loves yoga. Gisele can’t get enough of the stuff.

Gisele: Loves yoga.

Note: If yoga promised to make me look like Gisele Bündchen I would be in and around that situation faster than you could say, “Namaste b******”. I would align all my chakras, I would sleep in the down face dog position, I would wear those $150 drop crotch yoga pants that make you look like you’ve shat yourself, all day, every day.

It should be pointed out that we don’t know 100 per cent for sure that she got herself some bolt ons.

Two women entered the French plastic surgeons’ office, both wearing Burqas, and only their feet could be seen. There is no way of knowing if it actually was Gisele and her sister as is being reported, but you know, since when has that ever stopped anybody from being outraged?

I think it’s time that celebrities stop trying to pretend that plastic surgery isn’t happening, we’re not stupid you guys. We can easily put together a before and after montage of your self improvement journey using a picture collage app and Google image, should we be sad enough to do so.

So why do some celebs go to such lengths to try and trick us into thinking their looks are just naturally improving due to a diet of kale, quinoa and a thrice weekly albino baby seal placenta facial?

Attention celebs: We know the truth, just know that we know. If we’re not sure, then there is always some traitorous plastic surgeon willing to rat you out to Woman’s Day to confirm it for us.

Boob job or no boob job, we’d kill to look like this in lingerie.

Hey famous people, deep down we know it’s none of our business if you shoot your face full of Botox and fillers but you make it our business when you SAY you haven’t got it done and your forehead looks like a flatscreen TV. Just don’t say anything at all, or if you’re feeling brave, own that s**t.

Back to out besieged Brazilian babe. I get why people were almost insulted by her efforts, she made the mistake of saying she’d never get it done, allegedly got it done and then apparently went to ridiculous lengths to try and hide it.

Up until yesterday Gisele had stayed silent on the controversy surrounding her norgs but then she put this up on her Instagram.

Yoga will solve everything.

Yep, of course, yoga. Yoga will SOLVE EVERYTHING! There is clearly a hidden meaning in her pose. To me it says: “see the low hanging sides of this black singlet? See what is missing? The support bra recommended by surgeons post surgery. You’re all totally wrong about my reported enhancements. See how fiercely I am holding my hands in the prayer position, there is NO WAY I could do that if I had just undergone major boob operation, that muscle group would be too weak to do so. Peace be with you and p*** directly off.”

Yah, yoga can be real deep like that.

By the way, the day I can fit in and finance the restoring of my breasts to their former glory you can all expect a parade. There will also be a marching band, tiny elephants and acrobats as I enter the building, cartwheeling.

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.