What NOT to do when you start a new job

THE first day is always the hardest, but don't relax there. Here's a guide on how not to be completely awkward or overplay your hand in the first weeks at the office.

Unfortunately, David Brent never had a shell to hide in.

THE first day on a new job is always the hardest.

It's likely to be a sea of faces and a long babble of names you think you'll never remember. Most of your day will be spent cleaning the empty wrappers and chewed-up pens out of your desk drawers - a friendly gift bestowed on you from the person who sat at your desk before you.

But if you've survived your first day on the job, the battle isn't over. There are a myriad of unspoken rules around how to navigate the first few weeks in a new office or work environment. Here are 10 things you must avoid.

10. DON'T TAKE LONG LUNCH BREAKS

Yes, there may be an amazing four-hatted restaurant just blocks from your office building serving $25 two-course lunches, but under no circumstances should you take a 90-minute lunch break to dine there. Lunch breaks are usually 30 minutes unless specified otherwise.

Long lunch breaks are never okay, no matter how good the food is.

9. DON'T MENTION CAREER ASPIRATIONS

Don't tell your boss that all you want to do is be a [insert six-figure dream job here]. It's expected that you'll want to progress into more senior roles during the course of your career.

Also, keep in mind that you could be stepping on the toes of employees that have served for longer, and are up for a promotion soon.

8. DON'T SHOOT OFF WITH YOUR OPINIONS

Be careful when sharing your opinions. Saying "I hate tattoos" or "who would actually buy crocs?" is risky, as you don't know your colleagues very well yet. Most likely you're speaking to the only tattoo-boasting, croc-wearing person in the office, and you've just offended them on two counts.

Keep your opinions to yourself, or ask questions before you give them to see what others' views are first.

Denny Crane from Boston Legal will give his opinion to you straight.

7. DON'T GIVE PEOPLE NICKNAMES OR MAKE UP YOUR OWN

For some reason this rule is unequivocally agreed upon in most offices. Nicknames are a sacred right. People have earned those nicknames through sweat and tears, or more likely through in-jokes (covered later).

Once a nickname is bestowed from a colleague, it will stick. So try not to eat tuna in your first week or, like Jim Halpert, you may be called Tuna ... for life.

There is also a general consensus that you can't choose your own nickname. The US television show The Office is full of such offences. Andy Bernard dubs himself 'The Nard-Dog', and later attempts to rename himself 'Drew'; nicknames which no one else in the office adopts.

Andy Bernard dubs Jim Halpert "Tuna".

6. DON'T USE OTHER PEOPLE'S COFFEE CUPS

The first time you open the kitchen cupboard to look for a mug, you will be faced with an army of company-branded coffee cups (always with dark coffee rings inside) and colourful travel mugs all begging to be chosen. Don't be fooled. There is a strict rule in any office - don't use someone else's mug.

Simple solution: buy your own mug and keep it on your desk.

5. DON'T TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S CAR SPOTS

There is a hidden hierarchy in a company carpark. The CEO's spot is obvious - it usually has a plaque. But while the other spots may look free for all, there is generally an unspoken rule.

In some cases, the longest-serving employee parks closest to the door, and so on. Since you're new, you can guarantee you'll be out near the boom gate. Just view the extra walk as exercise.

Don't doze off in meetings, or ignore the IT support person.

4. DON'T IGNORE THE IT SUPPORT PERSON

You may think the main people on your list to impress are your bosses and immediate colleagues, but it's worth adding the IT support person to that list. They will be your best friend when your computer freezes or your desk phone stops working. Be genuinely nice to them too. They have a radar for superficial, I'm-just-trying-to-get-what-I-want niceties, and won't be fooled.

3. DON'T COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL TOO SOON

This is a tricky one. It's hard to pinpoint when exactly is 'too soon' to come out of your shell. Basically you should behave in a more reserved manner for the first few weeks, and refrain from launching into off-key renditions of Madonna hits or doing a spontaneous drum solo on your desk. Whistling, laughing like a hyena, humming and headbanging with your earphones in are not recommended either, at least for the first few months. After you've settled in though, let loose!

Unfortunately, David Brent never had a shell to hide in.

2. DON'T LAUGH AT IN-JOKES

In-jokes are exclusive. It's nothing personal. Your colleagues have likely shared many humorous moments during their working lives before you arrived. They don't expect you to get their in-jokes, so don't make ridiculous attempts to laugh along, otherwise you may become the butt of their next joke.

Acknowledge that you'll be a part of many more in-joke moments in future, and just get on with your work.

Don't do this with colleagues if you want to keep your job.

1. DON'T GET DRUNK WITH COLLEAGUES AND OVERSHARE

This is the mother of all new job offences. While the others listed above are merely social sins, this could get you fired. Many work environments see work drinks or office parties as 'work'. Therefore your conduct should be appropriate and based on how others behave.

A good rule is to look around the room for the crazy office drunk at parties. If you can't see them and you've had a couple of schooners, you're it.

Also beware that alcohol comes with a hefty neighbour - oversharing. As your tongue loosens, the stories of your past will flow, and suddenly you'll find yourself telling your boss that you were arrested in a pub brawl last month. Uh oh. Stay off the champers until you're seasoned in the 'office game'.

TIP: Tomorrow's Melbourne Cup festivities are exactly the kind of situation we're talking about. Don't get drunk and overshare, whatever you do.

Have we missed anything? Got any stories from your first day on the job? Comment below or join the conversation on Twitter @newscomauHQ

###