Well this is it, the final day of parliament in 2019. It has been quite a ride.
We are still dealing with the fallout of the medevac repeal. We don't know what the government did to win Jacqui Lambie's vote - it's insisting there was no "deal" - but speculation is certainly rife.
Elsewhere, Angus Taylor will face renewed pressure today after some new details emerged in the so-called "doctored" documents saga.
Read on for all the latest news from Canberra, one last time.
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Updates
End of the parliamentary year
Scott Morrison and Anthony Albanese just said some vaguely nice things to each other for a change as parliament adjourned for the year.
"It is fitting of this time of the year to extend to the Leader of the Opposition and his family my very best wishes for Christmas and the holiday season," Mr Morrison said.
"I do hope he has a wonderful Christmas and New Year period with his family."
"I do thank the Prime Minister for his speech, and I wish him and his family all the best for Christmas," said Mr Albanese.
Lovely.
The exodus is starting, and we will join it. Though I gather everyone is going to have to make their way through a throng of Extinction Rebellion protesters to escape.
For the last time this year then, here is a quick summary of the day's events:
+ Scott Morrison announced a massive re-organisation of the public service, bringing the number of departments down from 18 to 14 and removing five departmental secretaries. Those changes take effect from February 1 next year;
+ Question Time was particularly acrimonious and juvenile. Not the most edifying of conclusions to the parliamentary year. Read on below for more details;
+ Angus Taylor and author Naomi Wolf are each demanding an apology from the other. They're arguing about Mr Taylor's maiden speech to parliament in 2013;
+ The government moved to rush the Ensuring Integrity bill back through the House after its defeat in the Senate last week. You can expect it to come back before the Senate early next year;
+ And New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said an asylum seeker resettlement deal with Australia was still on the table, but stressed that no talks on the matter have been held recently.
Thank you so much for reading. It has certainly been a wild year in Australian politics.
Let's hope our politicians, not to mention our political correspondents, manage to rediscover some sanity over the Christmas break.
Wolf responds: 'Can't believe it'
Author Naomi Wolf has responded to Angus Taylor's demand she apologise to him.
"I cannot believe that Angus Taylor is calling on me in parliament to apologise for falsehoods he reiterated about me. I stand by every word I spoke and wrote. I am truly shocked. Sorry for Australia," she tweeted a short time ago.
She added to that in an interview with the ABC.
"I really object to my name and reputation being misused by an elected official to tell a false story," Dr Wolf said.
"I wasn't there in 1991, I was in New York. I had written what many people think is a very important feminist text. I was touring all over the world with it.
"I didn't pick this fight. He decided to say things about me that are simply and categorically not true. It's up to him as an elected official to correct the record."
She also said she had "never campaigned" against Christmas.
I'm obviously in an opinionated mood today, so screw it, let's cut through the crap.
It seems pretty clear to me that Mr Taylor is wrong about Dr Wolf being at Oxford with him in 1991. It would be easy for him to acknowledge that and move on with his life instead of digging in.
However, at no point in his maiden speech did he actually suggest Dr Wolf was involved in campaigning to take down a Christmas tree. He mentioned her in an adjacent sentence, sure, but that's not the same thing.
And the accusations of anti-semitism – which are flying in both directions – are laughable and bizarre.
I also want to bring up one last detail from Dr Wolf's call to a staffer in Mr Taylor's office late last night. She waited until the final minute of that half-hour call to tell the staffer she'd been recording the conversation. Ethically, that's extremely dubious.
On the ABC this afternoon, she suggested otherwise.
"I did tell him I was recording. He kept talking," Dr Wolf claimed.
Honestly. She told him the call was on tape after 29 minutes on the phone. He hung up 20 seconds later.
In conclusion, the argument these two are having is deeply weird and frustrating, much like this final day of parliament in general.
Monumental Question Time blow-up
There was another extremely cranky exchange during Question Time, as pretty much everyone took offence at once.
I didn't catch the exact wording at the time, so I've gone back and checked the tape before bringing it into your life. Hence the delay.
It all kicked off when Labor's deputy leader Richard Marles asked a particularly aggressive question.
"Why does the Prime Minister believe that he shouldn't be subject to the normal rules of integrity and accountability?" Mr Marles asked.
"Demonstrated by his failure to answer questions about why he prevented any member speaking on his union bashing bill today, why he has repeatedly misled the parliament, why he interfered in a NSW Police investigation into one of his own ministers, why he was sacked as CEO of Tourism Australia, and why he invited his mentor Brian Houston to the White House?"
There were many shouts of "smear", "grubby" and "no policy" from the government benches as Scott Morrison got up to answer.
"If all the Leader of the Opposition has is grubby smears, and if that's how he wishes to define himself, then I think the Australian public will see him for what he is," Mr Morrison said.
"All this Leader of the Opposition is demonstrating to the Australian people is he's like those who would seek to glue themselves to buses and trucks and various things.
"If you want to know what those people who just seek disrupt the ordinary, everyday activities of Australians look like when they grow a little older, you only need to look at this Leader of the Opposition.
"The protest shirt may be a little tighter than it was a few years ago, but this is just a very angry man. A very angry man."
Mr Albanese leapt to his feat to protest.
"There he goes! Come on Captain Angry," Mr Morrison taunted.
"The Prime Minister is making a number of personal accusations against me. He's the one that shut down parliament," Mr Albanese said.
Speaker Tony Smith promptly shut down the Labor leader, allowing Mr Morrison to continue.
"I understand the Leader of the Opposition is very angry. And he's very angry because the government is standing up for those who do not want to see thuggery and bullying as part of their workplace. Particularly against women," he said.
"The Labor Party likes to talk big about these issues, but when it comes to calling them to account and asking them to outlaw thuggish and bullying behaviour, this is their reaction.
"Smears and accusations. Even attacking people's faith. Well I'm not intimidated by the Leader of the Opposition or any of the Labor Party members."
This time Manager of Opposition Business Tony Burke got up.
"The Prime Minister just made a jibe against the opposition, and against individual members of the opposition, that is deeply personal, that he should be above that one, and it should be withdrawn," Mr Burke said.
In response, Leader of the House Christian Porter claimed the question from Mr Marles went "directly to the Prime Minister's faith".
Mr Smith said the Prime Minister had used "very strong language", but it was not bad enough to compel him to withdraw.
"The reason I won't withdraw this is because those opposite have been engaged in that tactic against me as Prime Minister for some time now. I will stand up for what I believe in," Mr Morrison said.
I cannot emphasise enough how childish this exchange was from everyone involved.
The accusation that Labor attacked Mr Morrison's faith, for example, is nonsensical. He has repeatedly refused to answer questions about whether he tried to get Hillsong boss Brian Houston an invite to the White House. It's a simple yes or no question. Asking it is not the same as having a go at the Prime Minister's religion.
On the other hand, it is absurdly rich for Labor to object to Mr Morrison's language, saying it's too personal, when they have spent so much of their time recently impugning the integrity of multiple government MPs.
These people desperately need to find a way to calm down over the Christmas break.
Picture: Kym Smith
Angus Taylor demands apology
The back end of Question Time got even worse as Labor asked Angus Taylor about American author Naomi Wolf, and Speaker Tony Smith all but gave up on controlling the interjections from both sides.
Dr Wolf has demanded a public retraction from Mr Taylor over his maiden speech, delivered back in 2013.
"It was 1991, and a young Naomi Wolf lived a couple of doors down the corridor," Mr Taylor told parliament in that speech.
"Several graduate students, mostly from the northeast of the US, decided we should abandon the Christmas tree in the common room because some people might be offended."
Dr Wolf has three complaints.
First, she says she was not even at Oxford in 1991.
Second, she believes Mr Taylor unfairly and falsely linked her to the attempt to get the Christmas tree taken down.
Third, she interpreted the anti-elitist tone of his speech as being anti-semitic.
Far from backing down, when he was asked about Dr Wolf, Mr Taylor demanded an apology from her instead.
"Of course I recall seeing and meeting Ms Wolf at New College in Oxford during my time there. She began her studies there in the mid-80s and she finished at Oxford only a couple of years ago," he said.
"Now, my speech to the parliament six years ago did not say she was involved in the war on Christmas.
"I want to say this. Her accusation of anti-semitism is wrong and deeply offensive to me and my family. My grandmother was Jewish and my belief in Judeo-Christian values is deeply held.
"I call for her to apologise for these unsubstantiated and outrageous accusations. The fact that the Labor Party has attached itself to anti-semitic accusations show just how low they're prepared to go."
So now Dr Wolf is being anti-semitic, apparently? I have no idea how that logic is meant to work.
Labor objected to that last part, and the Speaker forced Mr Taylor to withdraw it. The Minister obliged.
"Withdraw yourself!" one Labor MP shouted.
I am now enthusiastically withdrawing myself from the chamber, with a strong urge never to return.
Picture: Kym Smith
Anarchy in final Question Time
You know muck-up day at school, when you go around filling each other's backpacks with glitter and bubble-wrapping teachers' cars?
I'm actually not sure kids are allowed to do that anymore, being an out-of-touch old man, but anyway muck-up day is the rough equivalent of what is happening in Question Time today.
It is rowdy, there are loud guffaws echoing across the chamber quite frequently, multiple MPs have been booted, and even some of the people still here have very noticeably checked out.
Am I one of them? Hard to say. This last sitting fortnight has felt like one huge fever dream and I suspect I lost touch with reality long ago.
Labor used one question to continue its attack on the government for quashing debate on the union bill.
"Why does this Prime Minister not respect the democratic process?" Anthony Albanese asked.
"This issue, this matter of dealing with thuggish, militant unionism, is something the Australian people wanted us to address," Scott Morrison said.
"This matter has been through this place before. It's been up in the Senate before. It went through some 15 or 16 hours of debate in the other place."
He later went on to label Mr Albanese a "very angry man".
I have to say, as everyone has gradually lost the will to be here in recent days, the quality of the sledging has also declined.
At one point today a Labor MP just shouted the word "shame" at the top of her voice six times. Not at all creative.
Liberal frontbencher Karen Andrews wasn't much better when she said something about Labor not being able to grow weeds in a greenhouse.
Michael McCormack, of all people, probably had the best contribution. When his nemesis Joel Fitzgibbon was kicked out, Mr McCormack remarked the average IQ in the House had just gone up and wished him a merry Christmas.
"The level of interjections is ridiculously high," Speaker Tony Smith eventually said, sounding like a tired and defeated parent. It's been a long year for him.
The other thing I should mention is that every government MP who speaks – either to ask a question or give an answer – is saying how confident they are about Australia's future.
Having watched our leaders behave like this all year, you have to admire their optimism.
PM labelled a 'schoolyard bully'
Labor's Tony Burke responded to the last 90 minutes or so of shenanigans in the House by moving a delightfully facetious motion.
"This is a prime ministerial tantrum, with the Prime Minister of Australia behaving like a juvenile, schoolyard bully just because he didn't get his way last week," the most obnoxious part of it reads.
These motions from the opposition are always doomed, but at least they had a bit of fun with this one.
I moved this motion after Scott Morrison broke with all precedent and allowed absolutely no debate at all on the so called Ensuring Integrity Bill. #auspolpic.twitter.com/IPpC10FhRX
OK, business has resumed in the House after that brief recess, which Speaker Tony Smith used to determine what the hell was going on.
"I've been able to ascertain some facts. I know emotions have been running high," Mr Smith said after all the MPs had filtered back into the chamber.
It turns out Labor's complaint that no copies of the union bill had been presented to the chamber was incorrect. For good measure, more are being printed now.
"I have checked. There were bills present. I'm not going to have an argument about this. I'm just going to work on the basis that was a genuine belief (from Labor)."
As you were.
'What is going on in parliament?'
My main takeaway from Anthony Albanese's press conference is that he's wearing an ugly tie bearing the colours of his substandard footy team the South Sydney Rabbitohs.
Why yes, I am a Roosters fan, how did you guess?
Anyway he spoke about the government not wanting "scrutiny" in parliament, in reaction to its move to gag debate on the union bill a few minutes ago.
"What is going on on the floor of this parliament?" he asked.
"We have now had the parliament shut down because this government is incapable of running a democratic process.
"They refuse to allow anyone to speak, to push through legislation, to what end? So they can make a point that while they lost last week in the Senate, they won on the floor of the House? We know they have a majority on the floor of the House, but this should not be a totalitarian state.
"Dissent, and the right of people to represent their electorates, has been shut down."
Totalitarian is a pretty striking word to use, but I'm still hung up on the tie.
Picture: Albo briefly remembers he supports a bad team with gross colours
Fresh farce halts parliament
I am happy to report we have at least one more parliamentary farce to tell you about before closing out the year.
The government has moved to gag debate on the Ensuring Integrity bill – the union-busting legislation that was defeated in the Senate a week ago, then reintroduced to the House.
Essentially, the Coalition is pushing to have a vote on this as quickly as possible. It suspended usual parliamentary business to bring on the second reading debate, and then moved to gag that debate.
Labor is furious.
"We are being asked now to vote on legislation which I don't have. There are no copies anywhere," Anthony Albanese said.
"How can we possibly do that? Is it within standing orders for us to be voting on legislation? I don't know what it is. Is it appropriate for us to be voting on this without having copies of it?"
"What is happening right now is a change in the role of this House," said Manage of Opposition Business Tony Burke.
He said the key question was whether it is "a parliamentary debating chamber" or whether it's "only here for the voice of the Prime Minister and his chosen ministers".
The government reckons copies of the bill were distributed in the chamber yesterday.
Amid the confusion, Speaker Tony Smith called a suspension to sort things out. It looks like Mr Albanese will use that intermission to dash out of the chamber and hold a cranky press conference.
Stand by for that in a few minutes.
Speaker @TonySmithMP is considering the issue. He notes that he doesn’t believe it’s satisfactory for the House to consider a bill when copies are not present. The division on the closure motion has been called off, and the sitting is suspended until the ringing of the bells.
— Australian House of Representatives (@AboutTheHouse) December 5, 2019
Author's wild call to Taylor
Earlier, we mentioned American author Naomi Wolf was pursuing Angus Taylor's office for a correction to his maiden speech, which he delivered back in 2013.
In case you missed it, here are the relevant lines from that speech.
"It was 1991, and a young Naomi Wolf lived a couple of doors down the corridor," Mr Taylor told parliament.
"Several graduate students, mostly from the northeast of the US, decided we should abandon the Christmas tree in the common room because some people might be offended."
Dr Wolf reckons Mr Taylor linked her to the Christmas tree campaign, which he cited unfavourably as his first encounter with "political correctness".
He says he did no such thing, and Dr Wolf was only mentioned to provide context.
The other, less subjective problem here is basic accuracy. Dr Wolf was at Oxford from 1985-88. She wasn't there in 1991.
Anyway, Dr Wolf called Mr Taylor's office late last night (our time), recorded the conversation with his (clearly quite confused) staffer, and has now posted the whole thing online.
Essentially, it's half an hour of Dr Wolf and the anonymous staffer going round and round in increasingly exasperated circles.
He repeatedly tried to get her to email the minister's office, and she repeatedly refused to be fobbed off.
"Ms Wolf, can I just assure you, it is an accident this phone call was even picked up. It is after midnight in Australia, as in it is approaching 1am," the staffer said about 17 minutes into the call.
"I don't wish to communicate about this by email, I'm asking for a public correction," she told him.
The staffer, his pleas growing increasingly desperate, also offered to give Dr Wolf a more convenient time to call back. He said he was "not equipped to respond" to her demand.
"Ma'am I'm really sorry, but it's 1am and frankly I need to leave the office," he eventually protested, all but begging her to send an email.
Eventually she accepted the email address of Mr Taylor's press secretary.
Dr Wolf repeatedly asked for the staffer's name throughout the call. He refused to give it.
Now, I've had enough frustratingly circular conversations with parliamentary staffers to sympathise with Dr Wolf.
Far too often, they ask you to send an email with no intention of ever replying. That probably wasn't the case here, given Dr Wolf's profile.
But I must say I have some sympathy for the staffer, who genuinely could not resolve the issue in the middle of the night, but stayed on the phone for half an hour anyway.
And I've got a big problem with Dr Wolf telling him, literally seconds before hanging up, that the call had been recorded. If you're going to record someone, you get their consent at the start, not when they've been unknowingly speaking on tape for half an hour.
The minor party leader used a statement acknowledging the first anniversary of the October 7 attacks to accuse Israel of genocide, and said Australia was complicit.
