What to do if you’re being loved-bombed by your boss

It’s the manipulation tool bosses use to lavish attention on a new employee, but this toxic behaviour can negatively affect workers and the company. Here’s how.

It’s the manipulation tool bosses use to lavish attention on a new employee, but this toxic behaviour can negatively affect workers and the company. Here’s how. Picture: iStock

You may never have heard of love bombing, but it’s possible you’ve been a victim of it in the workplace.

According to LinkedIn, “love bombing” is a toxic behaviour where excessive praise, flattery, and attention are lavished upon an individual to gain their trust and loyalty.

Career expert and global CEO and founder of Ignite Purpose, Christina Foxwell told news.com.au that the ploy happens “a lot” in the workplace.

“HR teams do this because they are measured on engagement and employee happiness, and often leaders do it because they want people to love what they love, but it’s too much,” she said.

Ms Foxwell said that in the early days, love-bombing can take the form of a “massive welcome” which can be “a little bit uncomfortable”, both for the new employee and their workmates.

“It creates a lot of disharmony in the culture and often leaders that are doing it don’t really realise they’re doing it.

“Some might want to manipulate but I think organisational love-bombing is a cultural behaviour. It comes across as favouritism and cliqueness,” she said.

Love-bombing happens “a lot” in the workplace, according to one expert. Picture: iStock

THE RISKS OF LOVE-BOMBING

“Culturally, it’s bad for the organisation,” Ms Foxwell explained.

“They are just giving you so much praise. Some people, they want that praise. They will just lap it up.”

But the bigger problem lays when that praise is withdrawn, she said.

“When they take it away, that person feels devastated so it becomes a form of control and manipulation.

“You’ve done well and then you’ve done bad and what that drives is dependency so creates a co-dependency between that person and their manager.”

Another risk of love-bombing is that it can set high expectations as the norm.

According to Ms Foxwell, high expectations can lead to frustration and disappointment for the employee, which can result in high turnover for the organisation.

Other risks can include stress, pressure to conform, burnout, anxiety and a negative impact on the love-bombed employee’s relationship with their colleagues.

THE POSITIVES OF LOVE-BOMBING

But it’s not all negative, all the time.

Ms Foxwell said the positives of being love-bombed include increasing the self-esteem of the recipient and it serving as a great motivator to continue to perform well in their job.

Love-bombing can cause stress. Picture: iStock

HOW TO DEAL WITH LOVE BOMBING

If you’re struggling with love bombing, Ms Foxwell’s advice is to set boundaries and be honest with your boss.

“Go to your manager and say ‘Look, I love being here. Here’s what I can bring and actually I’m a little bit uncomfortable by the over attention you’re giving me’,” she said.

“’The over attention is making me feel a little bit uncomfortable. Please can we not have that?’”

But she warns that hearing that could be hard for the love-bomber, who may be used to controlling others using love bombing.

Hearing your truth, she said, could lead to “gaslighting and other behaviours”.

“You have to be careful but setting the boundary with grace and honesty, without being mean spirited, is important.”

SHOULD YOU ESCALATE YOUR CONCERNS?

Ms Foxwell added that if the conversation with your boss doesn’t go well, you could elevate the issue to HR, but “if they’re the love bombers that could be a challenge”.

She said love-bombing victims could also consider seeking legal advice “if you just want to back yourself up and make sure that you’re not being set up to fail”.

But ultimately, it might come down to choosing whether that is the best work environment for you, especially if you feel you’ve become dependent on the positive reinforcement.

Set boundaries and be honest with your boss. Picture: iStock

HOW TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU LEFT YOUR JOB

If you leave a job because of love-bombing and interview at another organisation, you might be asked why you left the previous company.

Ms Foxwell recommends not to say you were loved-bombed, instead, she said, you could say that the “cultural fit” wasn’t great.

She suggests saying: “I want to be in a place where I feel that I can bring what I have and in that organisation, I didn’t feel that it was the right place for me to use my talents and gifts.

“There isn’t anything wrong with them or me, it was just a really strategic decision for me to move to a place where I feel that I want to bring what I have.”

If you’ve chosen to step away from the organisation she added it’s important to “be brave and remember, it’s your choice”.

Don’t tell your potential boss you were loved bombed at your last job. Picture: iStock

HOW TO ASSESS IF ANOTHER ORGANISATION MAY ALSO LOVE BOMBS

Ms Foxwell suggests when you go for an interview, ensure you also interview your potential new boss.

She recommends questions such as: “What does welcoming a new person look like here? How would you describe the culture of the organisation from an acceptance perspective or a celebration perspective?”

She said asking good questions will “help you get a feeling of ‘Is this a place that’s gonna be all about the smoke and mirrors and not about the real authentic person?’”