‘It still feels like yesterday’: Ben Catanzariti’s mother Kay releases victim impact statement

IN 2012, tradie Ben Catanzariti was killed in a work accident. Here, his mother Kay reveals the depth of her suffering in her victim impact statement.

Kay Catanzariti with her son Ben, who was killed in 2012.

IN 2012, tradie Ben Catanzariti was killed in a work accident at a Canberra construction site.

This week, almost six years since the tragedy, the coronial inquest into the 21-year-old’s death refused to let his grieving mother Kay read her victim impact statement — a decision she said had denied her chance to achieve some closure.

This is what she would have said:

VICTIM IMPACT STATEMENT

Name of Victim: Kay Ellen Catanzariti — mother of Ben Catanzariti

To the Coroner, I am here today to honour my beautiful, caring son, Ben Catanzariti, who was killed at work on a construction site in Kingston ACT, on Saturday 21st July 2012.

This is for you my son, its Ben’s life and our journey now five years, seven months, 13 days since Ben was tragically taken from us. It still feels like yesterday.

I ask you all, have any of you had a loved one die from cancer? My dad did, watching him, trying to find a cure, doing whatever you could to ease his suffering, watching his tears roll down his face.

It eats away at you inside — bit by bit, nothing I could do to help. Now mum has early onset Alzheimer’s. Well neither come close to how I feel by someone/thing taking my son Ben from me by a preventable incident, then to be thrown into a legal minefield.

Life Before: I’ve been married 33 years, we had our ups and downs as every couple do. We’re a working-class family.

I had seven failed pregnancies and to say Ben was the “centre of my world” would be an understatement.

I fought long and hard through pain and disappointment until Ben was born and then again for almost five years until Jack entered the world so that Ben would not be an only child like I was — so that he would never be alone. Now Jack is.

The umbilical cord that once bound Ben and me, the connection between mother and child is like no other, it is for life, my Ben and me.

Then it changes to an invisible cord not seen by the eye. It binds us together, attached to my heart, it can’t be destroyed, and it can’t be denied.

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised and sore this cord is my lifeline as never before. I didn’t bury my son Ben and said good bye.

How happy and content Barney and I were, two healthy boys, we had our family.

We brought our boys up to have morals, show respect, be honest and to take responsibility for their mistakes to learn from them, to be a kind, have fun, laugh, learn and love.

Always pay your bills and to remember that you can do 100 good things but one bad and that is what people always remember.

I worked at night, so Barney looked after the boys. When they started school I worked school hours, we didn’t want other people looking after our children, as they are so precious, they are our life, our future.

We protect and teach them to be ready for the adult world and to start their family.

Ben always said he will care for Barney and I in our old age. No nursing home for you mum and dad. Even grandma.

Ben was an active child with the need to be always doing something, he liked being with people, helping dad in the shed, playing sport, camping and wrestling with Jack making memories and talking about what they will be doing when they grow up.

Ben was extremely family orientated and would spent a lot of time with his grandparents and Nonna, visiting them each day to eat Nonna’s pasta and cotoletta’s then onto grandmas for sweets asking each time was there anything they wanted done or needed.

Ben loved spending time with adults, watching, listening to their stories and he learnt from them.

Ben would help around the house when he would see things needed doing. His intuition, initiative and the bond we shared continued until he was killed.

He would share everything; he would communicate even the things I really didn’t need to know as a mother of a young, healthy active adult male, but our emotional bond was unbreakable.

Ben doted over Jack, he was his protector; they were inseparable.

When Jack was selected by ITF to go to Fiji in 2012 for tennis, then a hurricane hit, Ben texted Jack and said they won’t let me come and get you, go buy a life jacket, cans a spaghetti and a bottle of rum (Jack was only 15). Love you stay safe.

Ben would ring us all every day, it could be three times a day sometimes.

Even when he was in Griffith and Canberra. Ben: “Hey, what ya doin’?” What’s for dinner? Then tell us every detail about his day. Night, love you.

Now every time my mobile rings, I pray it’s Ben and I’ll wake from this nightmare.

Every mother will always boast and say how proud they are of their children; here is a note we received with flowers after Ben was killed.

Dear Mr. & Mrs Catanzariti,

I don’t know your son Ben, however when I relayed to my daughter (whom no longer lives here in Griffith) that a young man had passed away and told her his name, she told me a story about Ben that I wanted to pass onto you.

My daughter told me that when she attended Wade High School, she missed the bus one afternoon, and as a year 7 she was quite upset, your son Ben, whom she didn’t know at the time, he was a couple of years above her. Came up to her and consoled her and waited with her, for over an hour, until I was able to come and pick her up. She said Ben was a nice boy. I have also heard a story from my niece, about Ben’s kindness to her as well, when she was being bullied by some people and Ben stepped in. I am deeply saddened by your loss and my thoughts are with you and your family.

Jackie

Ben was a good worker with a caring heart for most, he had his first girlfriend Leah at 17 for 10 months, Chloe at 18 they moved into a house together in Griffith.

I remember it was mum’s birthday, we all went out to dinner, Ben announces that they were engaged.

We all looked at each other and said “what,” finding out later that they had a fight, so Ben says, “let’s get engaged,” it lasted 12 months.

Barney and I would say you need to let your children grow and they learn from their mistakes, we as parents are there to pick up the pieces. Ben moved back home, then Ben at 19/20 became involved with a married woman with three children, for a few months.

How unusual it was for us at Christmas and she said “I need to go home to put the kids to bed” I’ll be back later. Oh Ben!

One Friday afternoon Ben and I went to buy groceries, Ben received a phone call just as we got out of the car from his boss saying sorry we haven’t enough work you were the last on……..first off.

I told Ben, well you’ll have to find another job as we can’t afford to keep you, and I regret saying that still to this day.

Ben rang a person he met while he was working away and said plenty of concreting work in Canberra. Off he went at the age of 20. An exciting new adventure.

It was 2011, Ben left Griffith in search of work the chance to start his own business in concreting, however with the limited opportunities for someone new to the area and single, he took on numerous jobs then obtaining his security licence some places where he worked let’s say were quite colourful, along with working for a couple of small concreting companies on a casual basis through the day.

Ben lived with relatives to start with and then had numerous moves sharing accommodation. He met Stephanie (who he proudly brought home to introduce to the family) they lived together for months, sadly the strain of his work commitments and hers saw this relationship end after eight months.

I remember the phone call when Ben rang in tears; he was heartbroken.

Then moved into a new place on his own in Queanbeyan.

Ben was always thoughtful — one time Barney, Jack and I stayed with Ben he brought a packet of “Special K” having it sitting on the bench, and said mum look at the hospital corners on his and our beds, look at the bathroom mum.

Ben knew I liked a clean bathroom, I said I’m pleased Ben you remembered and listened a good job well done.

Late 2011, he met someone (I’ll call her M). M told Ben she was pregnant after they had broken up, Ben wanted to come home.

Still to this day I regret with all my heart saying, “Ben don’t think we can support you, regardless if you’re with M or not you are bringing a child into this world and your responsible for it for the rest of your life”, he wrote M a card. M wasn’t pregnant — this happened twice during the on/off relationship of seven months.

These insignificant events would soon turn our life around in ways we could never imagine. We were still grieving the loss of my mother-in-law, Ben and Jack’s Nonna, yes, we were mourning, but how do you then describe or even try to compare the death of your child. YOU CAN’T.

The last time we saw Ben alive was 19 days before his death when he came home to be pallbearer at his Nonna’s funeral. Ben had just started his full-time job at Belconnen Concrete and was on a three-month trial, he loved his job.

In an attempt to describe the immense impacts, I’ve separated them into the categories of Incident, Health, Financial, Social, Psychological, Legal and Family impacts.

The incident: Ben told us the night before he was killed he was having an early night and not going out as he was working only for a few hours in the morning Saturday 21st July 2012.

Then that knock at the door came. Jack and I were home doing housework, Barney was at the hardware store.

Jack saw a police car pull into the driveway and said mum, there’s a police car here, then we answered the door to a policewoman it changed our lives forever as apart of us too died.

Does Ben Catanzariti live here? My heart leapt. The policewoman put her hand on my arm and said can we sit down? I knew.

That day I received a death sentence.

I screamed and screamed call your father, mum is going to die, poor Jack……… Barney came home he could see the look on Jack and my faces, Barney went white, I wanted/needed to go to see Ben NOW.

The policewoman told Barney it was suggested that I don’t view Ben due to his injuries.

That concrete boom collapsed and hit Ben in the head. She said I could call the coroner if I wanted too, I called asking are you sure does he have a tattoo on his chest saying “Catanzariti Respect, Honour, Loyalty”?

Ben had this tattoo done before Nonna died, it was his way to show Nonna how proud he was to be her grandson and his love for her.

The coroner said yes it was on his chest. I said I’m coming down now, BUT everyone stopped me and said no Kay.

I pleaded with the coroner, after many phone calls she said give her till tomorrow, so she could prepare Ben for me.

I thank her from the bottom of my heart for her genuine compassion in allowing me to see my Ben.

Your mind is a powerful organ what and how I thought I would see Ben … was sending me crazy.

A sight and feel I’ll never forget was seeing my son laying on a steel table with a white sheet and bandages over his head and cold. He wouldn’t answer me, he didn’t move.

I do thank all the support people there to meet us, I appreciated your compassion.

The AFP took us to the site where Ben was killed, they had to wash away all the blood as authorities didn’t want me to see it.

I met many people there and was told that every piece of Schwing equipment was put on hold worldwide.

I’m of the understanding that this has never happened in the world before. Why now? Why Ben? We will never know or have closure.

To be told I couldn’t travel with Ben home, I wouldn’t accept this, I found an undertaker that permitted me to travel in the hearse.

I zipped up the black body bag, pushed Ben into the hearse for our trip home the next day. First, we had to pack up Ben’s belongings, we were fortunate family and friends came to help. I looked for Ben’s gold chain and cross that Nonna gave him, but someone took it on Saturday.

When we arrived home in Griffith I unzipped the black bag, hoping praying it was all a dream, I pushed Ben into the fridge at the morgue, I stayed with him, I cleaned him, I lifted the bandages on his head I needed to see what was underneath, I kissed Ben for the last time, put the lid on his coffin, screwed the lid down, pushed the coffin into the hearse and was the last person to see Ben, my son my beautiful boy.

The Impacts: Firstly, don’t tell me it’s time to get back to life, that’s it’s been long enough, or that time heals all wounds. You have a husband and son. My sense of brokenness isn’t going to go away. Which one of your kids would you choose to be killed?

Believing and trusting I would be reading this in the Industrial Court as criminal charges were laid, then Mr Jon White Director of DPP dropped the final charge in May 2016.

It’s impossible to effectively convey in words the impact of my son’s needless death, it’s indescribable.

Words will never fully explain my depths of despair. I am broken, lost, forgetful and emotional.

I feel I’m going crazy, insane and often contemplate suicide. I don’t like the person that I have become.

I failed to protect my son, feelings and emotions that it has had on my life, my family as a result of Ben’s “preventable” workplace death.

I know they won’t even come close to the devastation that I live with every breath I take, until my last. You feel like you’re living in purgatory.

I need to, have to, want to prevent others in becoming a part of a group no one wishes to belong to.

Ben had everything to live for and had just set out on his own path to make his mark in the world.

We know Ben was killed by a concrete boom crushing his skull. I will never have closure not knowing WHY and HOW this happened in today’s modern society with so much technology available!

Any knock at the door triggers an involuntary cringe, shock and trauma for me.

That inevitable knock at the door is something I will never forget for the rest of my life and I will relive this trauma until I take my last breath.

Health Wise: I suffer unimaginable grief. I do not have normal sleep patterns anymore, nor a normal diet or bodily functions; I have little interest in socialising, cooking and housework.

I have been prescribed heavy medications — which I take daily.

Alcohol helps at times, I never drank before Ben was killed.

I had redeveloped a hernia which the doctor suggests may have been aggravated by my bouts of uncontrollable crying and screaming. I’ve had to be cut open has it was in a complicated position behind my broken heart.

What I don’t understand is at times I just want to die but then I was scared I’d die on the operating table with my ribs spread apart.

I have to live and keep trying to get justice for Ben.

I’d developed extremely high blood pressure after the criminal charges were dropped.

Psychological: I barely function and run on autopilot more than what it’s safe to do.

I feel so guilty and responsible for not being there to protect my son, it tears me apart.

There are days where I cannot physically get out of bed. I don’t have the strength to get through the day, not even one step at a time.

Most weekends I just escape the reality of the world going on around me by staying in bed, crying and trying to make sense of the responsibilities and choices that I was expected to make; sign here have someone to go over it with you …. your mind is just blank.

Barney wasn’t in any state to help me. The waves of total debilitating grief happens regularly and can be triggered by any number of things or simply by nothing specific at all.

I dream of Ben, call out his name saying run Ben run. Barney calls out to Ben in the few hours he ever sleeps.

I’d hear Jack crying in his room I can’t help them. I sewed up the jumper that Ben was wearing the day he was killed, I sleep with it, I still have his phone connected, I ring it just to hear his voice on his voice message, I leave messages for Ben, he won’t reply.

Saturdays and the 21st of each month still cause anxiety all these years on.

I needed to see the photos of Ben at the site, everyone tried to convince me I shouldn’t from family, friends, AFP, solicitors, ambulance officers that worked on Ben, counsellors the list goes on, I was finally allowed too. I needed to because I’m his mum.

I proceeded to view Ben’s photos, they showed me some then I said now show me all of them.

With hesitation they decided I could view them all. I had to piece every detail from the time Ben went to work, his last words, did he see the boom falling, did he cry, did he have pain, how long was it till he took his last breath, was it instant?

My mind still goes over and over this every day. I get physically sick and anxious to see a concrete truck or boom.

Even when I see Hi-Viz workers I feel sick; I become emotional and cry.

I have been through seven different psychologists and psychiatrists with increasing resistance to things that I’m being told — I question what right they have to tell me that the only way I find some solace is wrong.

There is no peace. I have enormous anxiety, mood swings, sadness, guilt, fear, anger depression, PTS and feel so abandoned at times.

I’m indecisive, unsure and feel totally out of control. I have told Jack and others that I feel so bad and all consumed by Ben’s death.

I can’t be reasoned with, people say move on, but I can’t, and I just want it to end.

I want to die to make MY pain go away but in the same breath I don’t want to inflict even more pain on Barney, Jack and my Mum.

The torture is never-ending — there will never be inner peace.

After the final criminal charge was dropped in May 2016, driving back to Griffith by myself I didn’t want to take that turn, I wanted to die, I failed, useless, worthless, nothing.

I’m told these things just happen. Well Ben is my son a human life not a number NOT COLLATERAL DAMAGE.

I told Jack how I felt and why I developed extremely high blood pressure and wanted it to end.

Jack said “Thank you mum” ... not “what about Dad and Me?” When you’re in that state of mind you just believe you are helping them as they don’t need to see me in this way and you can’t see any other way out.

This is why I talk, it helps me to continue. Like they said at RU OK speak up and talk.

Yes, I started Will It Your Way after Ben was killed, this has helped me at times to find strength to continue. Bringing awareness to young and mature people.

Social — I don’t socialise, avoid outings even with very close friends — I just can’t find the strength or desire to be with people.

I feel guilty because it should be Ben out enjoying things and I feel uncomfortable because others are enjoying life and that should be Ben.

People don’t know what to say. I need to talk about Ben. We don’t celebrate Christmas anymore; Ben’s birthday is on 29th December.

No matter how many years go by, the anniversary date of Ben’s death brings back deeply emotional memories and painful feelings.

The days leading up to that day feels like impending doom or it’s like hard to breathe.

I’ve lost friends, people who I thought were close but since Ben’s death they no longer know what to say and they can’t handle when I become emotional or agitated.

People simply saying hello can cause a flood of tears. I see Ben’s friends buying investment properties with their brothers/sisters, building their homes, making a future for themselves, visiting relatives, getting married, having children, travelling the world living life.

Someone has taken this away from Ben, myself, Barney and Jack.

I’m very selective with who I spend time with because now I don’t trust many people.

Simple tasks that need to be carried out like shopping are almost impossible or simply don’t get done, putting more strain on Barney.

I find myself being intolerable of people who lie, of individual’s flaws and people who don’t follow through with things they promise or say they will do.

I tell people what I think now regardless of how it will come across or how it will affect them.

I’m impatient and direct — often offending people without really meaning to.

I say things that I regret when my head is spinning, my mind is confused, and this is often. This is not how I was before Ben’s death. I swear now and never did before; this shocks people.

I don’t pretend that I’m fine — I tell it like it is and leave people standing there speechless.

I don’t like the person I’ve become.

Family — We sit in silence; it’s deafening most times. We don’t eat or have meals together at the table anymore; we just get something from the fridge.

I’ve lost the desire to cook — we fend for ourselves.

Barney does the washing, groceries and toasted sandwiches or Weetbix is a normal evening meal.

We don’t care. We breathe and that’s about it.

Barney and I have not had intimate relations since Ben’s death, not even hugs; the lack of intimacy and the feeling of failure hurts — things get to a point where there is no going back. It’s easier to look after yourself for self-preservation — we are too scared to love again.

Barney is withdrawn; he doesn’t talk to family and friends, can’t see how talking to professionals will change the way things are and how it could help him.

As he says counsellors can’t fix his broken heart or know his pain, the day he takes his last breath, he will be free and united with Ben.

He’s changed his physical appearance because he can’t be bothered shaving or cutting his hair — there is no point anymore.

He was always a quiet family man but now he has become a recluse. Hearing him say “it would be so much easier not to wake up in the morning” is heartbreaking.

I don’t know what to do.

I’ve failed again. I can’t fix it, I’m his wife and that’s what we should do help our husband and children.

I was told by a counsellor that ‘Jack is a walking time bomb’ — he is filled with a void — he feels at a loss for all the things he will not experience now that Ben is gone.

Jack said he’ll never be an uncle. The experiences and memories he and Ben would make are gone.

The pressure Jack feels now is immense. Jack lost interest and the desire to strive for his educational goals, he gave up his hopes to go to America and live out his tennis dreams with the scholarship that he was on track to receive, of becoming a physiotherapist or occupational therapist. He lost his desire to play tennis.

He lives a more daring lifestyle with the attitude that he will try anything because he could be dead tomorrow. He wants to live with no regrets regardless of outcomes.

Jack was devastated when it was said by a legal professional during the preparation as a witness for the Worker’s Compensation claim and Civil that “in the eyes of the law a brother is nothing.”

I don’t have the ANSWERS or the WORDS to restore his faith in the future. I don’t know how to make Jack feel better.

The relationship between my Mum and Ben was an important part of both of their lives.

They had daily contact; Ben would visit her daily until he moved to Canberra and then he would telephone to check on her.

She is lost now, and her health has deteriorated considerably since Ben’s passing. She wouldn’t tell me anything as she sees and thinks I have too much to worry about.

This concerns me as she collapsed in town and was airlifted to Sydney for heart surgery. I had to take two weeks off work to be with mum and then on her return home she had to stay at our home for recovery but felt she was a burden on me as I have too much going on with Ben’s legal cases and emotionally wasn’t handling things well.

Barney and Jack have lost Ben but at the same time they’ve lost a mother and a wife.

We have all had different ways of grieving and come to terms with Ben’s death.

This has not brought us stronger together as a family — it’s like we are all on the same journey but different pathways.

We exist in the same house but that’s it. There is an unspoken frustration between us because we don’t understand each other’s way of coping.

We need more from each other but each of us is empty. It’s an ongoing battle to balance the pain and guilt of outliving your child.

Financial — court hearings, meetings with solicitors, doctor’s appointments, accommodation, food, transport all adds up.

It’s resulted in using my entitlements of leave.

Work has been modified to suit my emotional state. I lost one job because I couldn’t go back and face people.

The threat of financial bankruptcy was real — the cost of legal representation that has changed several times as Ben’s case is complicated.

We didn’t buy things that we need because we worried about unknown costs and every cent is going towards fighting for Ben’s case.

I failed as I didn’t have the finances for personal representation from the start, I didn’t know what was ahead of us. Ben was dead that’s all I knew.

Legal — We were witnesses in Worker’s Comp. Apart of Inquest, Criminal, Civil. This was the most confusing.

I am an average person; yet I picked up on a time frame issue that professionals missed. I trusted that there are legal professionals for a reason … Things are so complex and beyond the understanding of the average person.

The loopholes and muddying of waters, time frames and legal jargon; common sense does not seem to prevail. I too am in my 50s, have/had children, on medication, not coping and has a clean record!

But I can’t ever see my dead son Ben or enjoy watching his achievements in life. As some can.

Who would he marry? How many children would he have? The joys of seeing your child become an adult, a parent, this is when you become their best friend too.

Sight and touch will never be ours again. Most legal professionals forget I’m grieving the loss of Ben, I was told by a “Thanatologist” after sudden trauma the mind goes into shut down it’s a protection mode this on average last for five years and over.

Thank you for all your support ACT Victim Crimes Support. You trust people you think have your best interest, then I had to find the strength to sack them as they wouldn’t work with someone we wanted them too and said we as parents had no legal right as Ben was over the age of 18, I felt intimidated by them.

No one would help me in suggesting another solicitor as it’s against the law. I found one while waiting to hear back from another and he swore at me.

I put in an official complaint to the ACT Law Society without success. This was in the early days, I’ve learnt so much unfortunately I realise they have a job to do and there’re some good solicitors.

Solicitors want papers signed now, they repeat themselves as I can’t recall what they say, then they become annoyed/frustrated with me. Costing me tens of thousands.

I feel that I have been used, dismissed, ill-informed and expected to know things that are well beyond my knowledge and/or experience.

I haven’t started to grieve yet; my son has been killed. The fact that the laws are different for the same things in different states and how they impact on things is ridiculous!

We live in the same country — how can things be different? This chain of events has changed my life, fills me with hate (Hate is a very strong word I know) and puts you in a place of no return.

Multiple decisions have had to be made when I really don’t understand what they are — then to have legal professionals question why the decision was made that way only fills me with fear.

I was second guessing myself if I have made the right the choice? What would have happened if I made a different choice? What if someone had given me more information or explained it in a different way — I just don’t know. The anxiety all of this has created is all consuming. How am I supposed to know what to do? I am consumed with what ifs. I feel let down; one minute I’m told it’s not my place to do and say things then I’m being asked to make decisions that could affect the rest of my life.

You don’t know who to trust — everyone has an agenda. So much goes on behind closed doors, which I’m not informed of and decisions are then made and the powers to be won’t speak to me.

Would the outcome be different if I’d known to engage a solicitor from the beginning?

If witnesses were called years ago the courts would of came to a verdict, saving the tax payers lots of money and court time, that statement ‘Beyond reasonable doubt’. I believe hearing first hand it’s much clearer on making a decision.

My agenda is first to fight for Ben, for accountability! Have the answers that I need so that I know that I have done everything that I could do to protect other families from having to go through needless deaths.

You think you are doing the right thing, that legal representation would be in your best interest, but at the end of the day they don’t have to live with the results.

I’m a case file number. But for me this is real — this is me.

Ben shouldn’t be collateral damage.

At the end of the day I now know that I will not get the end result that I want — accountability for Ben’s death.

Nothing will ever bring Ben back. He shouldn’t be dead.

People are working to have recommendations put into place to change the way companies do things.

The laws are outdated; that’s agreed upon, but who is responsible for making changes to ensure that everyone’s life is worth protecting when they leave to go to work?

Be accountable for your own actions, not taking short cuts and not being pressured by money, power and deadlines needs to come first for taking someone’s life.

The AFP and the courts can only do what is law. Using the Work Cover powers has been a double-edged sword.

I called Ministers, Senators, Attorneys-General, asking for help but was palmed off or they past the buck saying they can’t help on individual cases or I’ll call you back. It’s not their son!

All the legal rights are for the offender when it’s an industrial fatality.

I could be the one going to jail for speaking out about how Ben was killed, and what I’ve read in the volumes.

Reports look like sheets of music to read, but I don’t have letters behind my name, so I know nothing.

This has been a relentless, exhausting and painful journey.

I don’t function, I exist. I go to work as the bills keep coming.

I just want to pull the sheets over my head and disappear. I watch the sun go down but never rise. I need answers.

This victim’s impact statement has been my chance to say some of the things I needed express.

I had hoped that throughout these proceedings some of the questions surrounding the details leading up to and contributing to Ben’s death would have been answered and policies be put in place for other workers safety.

Thank you again for giving me this opportunity, and may some of you sleep well tonight, I know I won’t.

To the best of my ability the content of this statement is true and correct.

I am aware that the defendant may be shown a copy of this statement. I consent to the tender of this statement in court proceedings.