How to call in sick with conviction

ADMIT it, you’re thinking about chucking a sickie today aren’t you? Here’s how you can do it convincingly, and you wouldn’t even be lying.

Influenza, flu, cold - generic image of a brunette woman sneezing and blowing her nose.

IT’S still early in the week and Saturday is so far away so we won’t blame you if you’re tempted to call in sick.

If you use these fancy medical terms for commonplace problems, you may not be learning what the teacher intended, but at least you’ll be enhancing your vocabulary. And it’ll make your not-so-valid excuse sound very worthy of a sickie.

LIMB FALLING ASLEEP

That numb feeling that you wake to when you’ve slept on your arm wrong is obdormition. It is followed by a pricking, tingling sensation called paraesthesia.

ICE CREAM HEADACHE

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia. Say it five times fast to warm up your mouth and relieve the brain freeze.

Who knew brain freeze could have such a serious sounding name?

MUSCLE TWITCH

If you ever feel the sudden flutter under your skin from a small bundle of muscle fibres spontaneously contracting, you can say you’re experiencing fasciculation (from fasciculus, “little bundle”).

CORN

That callus on your foot may be soft, in which case it’s a heloma molle. If it’s hard, it’s a helomadurum.

TONGUE BUMP

One tiny, swollen tastebud looks like no big deal in the mirror, but feels distractingly humungous in your mouth. It has a big name to match that big feeling: transient lingual papillitis.

INGROWN TOENAIL

If you want to go Greek, it’s onychocryptosis (“hidden nail”), but if you prefer Latin, stick withunguis incarnatus (“nail in flesh”).

MOUTH ULCERS

Aphthous stomatitis. Hard to say even without ulcers.

CHEEK BITING

You know how sometimes you bite the inside of your cheek by accident, and then you get that little ridge of tissue that sticks out so that you end up biting it again and again? That’s morsicatiobuccarum, baby.

GETTING THE WIND KNOCKED OUT OF YOU

This feels bad, but doesn’t last very long. Just a transient diaphragmatic spasm.

HICCUP

The more rhythmic diaphragm action of the hiccup is a synchronous diaphragmatic flutter.

SNEEZE

Why sneeze when you can sternutate?

Sternunating.

EYE FLOATERS

What are those little transparent threads you can see floating across your eyeball when you pay close attention? Just muscae volitantes (“flying flies”) the name for the little bits of protein or other material in the jelly inside your eye.

BED WETTING

If you wet the bed at night it’s nocturnal enuresis. If you have accidents during the day it’s diurnal enuresis.

FAINTING

If you faint at the sight of blood or upon hearing some shocking news, it’s probably vasovagal syncope, an automatic response mediated by the vagus nerve. Tightly laced corsets only make it worse.

DIZZY FROM STANDING UP FAST

If a dizzy, head rush feeling is brought on by standing up too fast, it’s orthostatic hypotension.

GROWLING STOMACH

All that rumbling and gurgling in the stomach and guts goes by the name borborygmi.

GOOSE BUMPS

The Latin horrere originally referred to bristling, or hair standing on end, a sense captured by the word for goose bumps, horripilation.

NOSE RUNNING FROM EATING SPICY FOOD

Load up on some Jambalaya before making that call about gustatory rhinitis,

When you’re sniffling while you’re spooning in that spicy soup, you’ve got gustatory rhinitis.

JOINTS MAKING NOISE

All that popping, creaking, and cracking of joints when you get out of bed in the morning goes by the name of crepitus, from the Latin for “rattle, crack.” The word decrepit goes back to the same root.

SHIN SPLINTS

People aren’t very impressed by shin splints, but they might be impressed by medial tibial stress syndrome.

HANGOVER

Overdid it last night? Just explain to your boss that you’ve got a bit of veisalgia. This fancy word for hangover was coined in a 2000 paper in a medical journal. It combines the Norwegian word kveis (”uneasiness following debauchery”) with the Greek word for pain.

A version of this article appeared on The Week.

This article was written by Arika Okrent from Slate and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network.