Em Rusciano: The housing games

FORGET the dream of a claw foot tub, Em Rusciano would be happy if she could find a house with an internal bathroom in this ridiculous market.

Pics of Em Cabaret performer and comedian Em Rusciano talks motherhood with SA Weekend

YOU’VE probably heard by now what Treasurer Joe Hockey said at a press conference earlier this week.

In case you missed it: “The starting point for a first homebuyer is to get a good job that pays good money”.

Yep. I know. Because it is definitely that easy.

NOT. (To be said in the voice of Borat and only Borat)

Oh Joe.

Not surprisingly the general reaction to this inexplicably ridiculous comment has not been a “good” one.

Well I wish to add my voice to the long list of people saying WTF J HOCK?!

You see I am currently on the property front line Mr Hockey. I’m a working Mother of 2, I’m a performer and my husband works with the police force, so neither of us have a “good” job by your standards, but none the less we are trying to find a family home to buy in Melbourne.

I am riddled with angst, fear and stress over the whole situation but you have now given me the perfect funnel to expel it through. Let me shoot this thimble full of gin Joe, and we are away!

Let’s talk about having to apply for the finance shall we? Trying to scrape together a 10% deposit AND show a savings history all the while paying rent, bills and generally living?

HA!

It’s all right for you Joe. Pictures: Jack Tran / The Courier Mail

Then you have to bend over while every bank you apply to gives you the financial equivalent of a rectal examination with all the delicacy of Edward Scissor Hands.

Hint: It’s PAINFUL JOE.

If you’ve missed ONE credit card repayment, had an overdrawn account or defaulted on a loan YOU’RE F**KED JOE. Oh did I mention I’m self employed, that’s fun and by that I mean SH*TFUL. No-one wants to lend sweet, sweet, cash to a person who works for themselves.

So while you’re waiting for pre-approval you start looking. Are you with me buddy? You have to go out into the field and dance.

It ain’t all sunshine and light either mate, you’ve got to have a game plan.

Every Saturday I have to prepare for battle. I must pack food and water so that the troops don’t fall during the open for inspections. I then print out the list of houses and arrange them in chronological and geographical order.

I have email alerts set up for Christ’s sake, sometimes they come in at 3am Joe! Before I’ve even get near some REM stage 3 sleep! I’m effectively in a real estate driven, sleep depravation, torture situation.

So you pile the soldiers into the car and set out for the day. When you arrive, there will be 40 other couples there, aka the enemy. There will also be a slick, real estate agent, in a nice suit of either gender, aka the enemy. You can’t show either of them fear Joe.

You can’t show them ANYTHING.

I AM SARAH CONNOR from Terminator 2 Judgement Day Joe!

Em’s expression when she is house hunting. Cool as a cucumber.

I AM FURIOSA from the latest and most excellent instalment of Mad Max.

Zero fear.

I may not have Linda Hamilton’s ability to do single arm push ups or Charlize’s kick arse mechanic arm but by God I have both their ability to shut my emotions down. Because NO GOOD CAN COME FROM FEELING Joe. In the wasteland that is the current housing market you must deprive your heart from all that is good in the world.

I’m not sure I am even human any more.

When I was a kid, growing up in the late 80s I dreamt I would live in Castle Grayskull meets Barbie’s Malibu Mansion with working lift and spa. We would definitely have an indoor slide and sleep on trampolines. Flash forward to 2015 and the places I can afford are lucky to have indoor toilets, and even then, I would do it.

Forget about a bathroom with a claw foot tub. Just forget you ever had that dream.

That’s what happens Joe, your standards drop the more desperate you get.

“Yes, it’s next to a nuclear waste plant but it has a walk in robe!”

My behaviour has dropped to new lows as well. I have taken to loudly mentioning termites and “stumping issues” in houses I’m keen on. Twist: I’m lying! They don’t have either! I have taken to sabotaging unknown vendors. What have I become Joe?!

For realz: If someone said to me “if you push this button 5 people will die but you will be able to buy a lovely house with a claw foot bath,” I WOULD THINK VERY HARD ABOUT PUSHING THAT BUTTON JOE.

It’s like the hunger games. Kill or be killed. Find the best location and try to hold it. Be ever vigilant. The housing games!

You don’t get it Joe, you’re a man who owns a multi-million dollar Sydney home, has all first class travel paid for by the government and has a history of being a massive snob. FLASH BACK >>> Remember the time you said poor people don’t drive their cars very far, how we laughed Joe, how we laughed! END FLASH BACK>>> I’d maybe refrain from giving financial advice to people you are clearly out of touch with, you know, pretty much everyone in Australia who doesn’t earn over $250K a year.

To my fellow Tributes fighting it out in the arena, stay strong, fight the good fight and may the odds be ever in MY favour.

President Joe. (How good are my photoshop skills?!)

P. S: Joe Hockey is SO President Snow right? President Joe! See it even rhymes. If you haven’t seen or read The Hunger Games, not a lot of the last paragraph will make sense. If you HAVE, then we are totally one with each other right now.

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.