What's on TV with Dianne Butler

DIANNE Butler reviews your evening television for Wednesday and Thursday.

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DIANNE Butler reviews your evening television for Wednesday and Thursday.

Wednesday

One Born Every Minute

SBS ONE, 8.30pm

Rating: 4 Stars

THE three things about having a baby are location, location, location. No, wait ... that's selling your house.

These three things are patience, patience, patience. The girl in the bed didn't care, she just wanted it to end so she could put her pants back on. Possibly for ever. "I don't want him over there looking at my place. We don't need anyone to see that." Or maybe the woman standing next to her bed was talking about real estate after all.

Apparently there are 40 cameras here at this hospital, the Princess Anne at Southampton. Not counting the ones wielded by inadequate-feeling, or just inadequate, fathers.

That's a lot of cameras for a maternity ward, but there are a lot of angles to cover. Especially when you're having a water birth, like Lydia. This is Lydia's first baby. She took a pregnancy test, it came back positive, she was "surprised".

"In terms of contraception, I wasn't the most cautious of people," says her boyfriend Phil. "I think I underestimated the importance of it.

"I think that's all I can really say. I didn't take it seriously enough ... That's part of the reason we're in the situation we're in."

Part of the reason? Phil. Rhymes with dill.

Lydia's mother - a concerned Christian - is being much more supportive than Lydia expected. She told her sister Anna - who's poolside for the birth, everyone is - she was pregnant first.

"She got excited, didn't she," Phil says to Lydia.

"No. She told me to have an abortion."

Whereas tonight's other couples could hardly be more prepared. They just need the actual baby now.

The concern Tendayi and Max have is the unidentified sounds coming from adjoining rooms. "Jesus Christ Max, what are we going to do when our time comes?" Tendayi says, buzzing for an epidural.

Thursday

Four Weddings

Channel 7, 7.30pm

Rating: 3 Stars

MICHELLE'S dress cost eight grand. Wendy's was $20.

"Twenty dollars can just get you a pizza," says Fiona, a plainly ridiculous statement. You can get two with three bucks change at the place around the corner from my house. As long as it's a Monday or a Wednesday. So clearly a $20 wedding dress is absolutely do-able.

I think this episode of Four Weddings is the first I've seen where they don't all hug at the honeymoon envelope opening at the end.

Yes, it's ugly. And not good ugly. It had a Lord of the Flies undertow to it, and I think I can speak for everyone when I say if there's any Lord of the anything tone we're after here, it's Rings.

I felt as if we were in our usual safe territory for a while there when Fiona announced she and Scott her "boys' boy" boyfriend planned to include his favourite toy in the ceremony.

It's the short robot from Star Wars. Scott wanted it going down the aisle.

And Fiona wanted her poodle, with fairy wings somehow attached to its body. Not glued obviously. Elastic?

I don't know, there were still some details to be ironed out, they were yet to have the dog versus robot debate when we moved on to Michelle, who, unlike Scott, is a Girlie Girl.

This is Michelle of the eight grand dress. It's a Steven Khalil dress, which will mean something to you or it won't.

She's 18, and she's been with Andrew since she was 16. They're having a traditional wedding, which is code for Kardashian.

She's worried about her big day, naturally, but more worried about Emma, who's also having a big-budget reception with ostrich feather decorations. But Emma has problems of her own. She's doing a Samoan dance instead of a bridal waltz: "I'm crapping myself because I haven't learnt it yet."