Unhinged sister derails wedding | James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 1

The atrocious behaviour of a bride’s sister up-ends a MAFS wedding. And instead of a speech, there’s a shocking spray of words. James Weir recaps.

An unhinged sister completely derails a Married At First Sight wedding by heckling her “frigid” sibling before poetically dubbing the reception an “abortion” – but it’s all for an understandable reason: she didn’t receive a pescetarian meal.

Producers are clearly working overtime to breathe new life into Monday night’s premiere of the controversial Channel 9 reality show.

How do they top cheating scandals and gaslighting? Aggressive dietary requirements.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here

“Singles of Australia are facing a dating crisis,” warns the voiceover lady, who recites these words in a forced sympathetic tone while trying not to cackle at the hellfire she’s about to guide the contestants through.

But don’t fear! The Married At First Sight experts are here. They’ve used their knowledge of psychology to hand-pick a new troupe of freaks whose emotions are as stable as this bride’s triangle shoes:

Absolutely practical. Picture: Channel 10

These producers are true auteurs. Tonight’s episode opens with a montage of news footage that shows the global disgust associated with this esteemed series. There’s even a clip of Chris Hemsworth being asked about Married At First Sight. Wow! He’ll no doubt be thrilled to have this appearance added to his IMDb page!

… And the Logie for Best Guest Appearance goes to …

Tonight, we get a glimpse of the 20 contestants who are hoping to leave this show with hearts as full as their lips.

The thing we love the most about Married At First Sight contestants? They never see themselves as the problem in their failed dating lives.

“Men these days are basically women but men that are pussies will not agree with me,” Lauren tells us. “I wish I was born in the 1920s where gender roles were more prominent.”

We’re actually kind of excited for Lauren. Given the social outlooks of most men who’ve appeared on this show, it seems, for the first time ever, a contestant may actually have come to the right place to find a relationship.

Cue the bad boy music! We watch slow-mo footage of a Gold Coast rebel named Eliot, who shrugs on a leather jacket and runs a hand through his gelled hair.

“I know I’m a catch and I have very high standards,” he sniffs.

He pledges to quit the experiment and walk out of the ceremony if he doesn’t like his bride.

“If I feel nothing on my wedding day, I’ll leave the experiment.”

We have no doubt he’s using this series as a launching pad for a podcast that involves a bunch of his bros sitting on a couch talking really loudly about how to be successful.

Cool guy alert! Cool guy alert!

“I wouldn’t even entertain a relationship with someone I saw as low-class or trashy. That just disgusts me,” Eliot continues to muse. “If my wife was judgmental, obnoxious, loud … I wouldn’t finish the ceremony. I want that whole 1950s (marriage). Wife’s in an apron in charge of the household. My wife will be feminine, classy and wholesome.”

Naturally, we cut to footage of Lauren whipping up dinner in her kitchen before dusting her houseplants.

Nothin’s sexier than a gal who knows how to scrub her fiddle leaf fig.

Lauren and Eliot are obviously a match made in heaven. And, at first, we’re a little disappointed in the producers for pairing them together. Producers would usually match opinionated Eliot with a wife who’s the complete opposite of everything he has requested.

But here’s the twist: They’re lulling Eliot into a false sense of security by matching him with the woman of his dreams … and then blime-fibe-ing him with his wife’s obnoxiously loud sister who will terrorise him for eternity at family functions.

“I’m not wearing any undies, so don’t get any box shots!” Lauren’s sister Tamara screeches at the cameraman as she helps the bride get ready for the wedding.

Even the producers are terrified.

Tamara is a producer’s dream – serving up sound bite after sound bite.

“I hope he has got the hottest friends!” she says of her future brother-in-law.

At the reception, Tamara takes it upon herself to describe the bride to fellow guests.

“She’s a psycho. She’s a f**king b**ch,” she says.

Tamara has an eloquent way with words. She really should’ve been tapped to be the official celebrant for the day.

Tamara has no doubt secured herself future cameos.

When Lauren walks down the aisle, we wait to see if Eliot pulls a runner. His feet stay planted firmly on the ground.

“She looks breathtaking,” he gushes.

Eliot’s brother sums it up beautifully: “I think he likes her. I can see it in his eyebrows.”

Ah, yes. The eyebrows are truly the window to the soul.

These furry little caterpillars don’t lie.

Meanwhile, across town, we meet our next singles who are about to get married: Carina and Paul.

We arrive at the wedding and everything goes to plan. They meet, they swoon. We begin to zone out and mindlessly scroll through Instagram, assuming this is going to be the undramatic storyline for the episode.

Then, as the ceremony wraps up, we watch as Carina disappears off camera to talk to a producer.

“What the f**k? Am I gonna get a different guy or what?” she furiously whispers. “Is there a different option? I KNOW HIM. For f**k’s sake!”

Sorry, hon, but you get what ya given.

Turns out, Carina and Paul matched on Tinder eight months ago. After their first date, he ghosted her.

Now, Paul’s back from the dead. And he’s pretending like he has never met her.

“I’m hoping she’s not too salty with me,” he tells us.

Not too salty? Paul, right now, she’s thinking of changing her name to Saxa.

He pulls her away and explains why he went full-blown Casper.

“I wasn’t in a good headspace,” he begs. “It’s totally my fault it didn’t lead to a second date. I kept cancelling. It feels like the universe is giving me another chance again.”

It works. She forgives him. And we return to mindlessly scrolling Instagram until Tamara returns to our screen with other urgent and necessary outbursts.

“It looks like a cemetery!” she scoffs about the wedding venue, as she walks around Sydney’s heritage-listed State Theatre.

She then turns her attention to one of the groomsmen and begins serving up some A-grade flirting.

“What’s your star sign? Did you get vaccinated?” she purrs.

Tamara’s personality swings like a pendulum between horn-dog and anarchist.

When the waiters bring out the meals, it sets Tamara over the edge.

She storms through the State Theatre to find a producer.

“This is an absolute abortion,” she declares.

The problem? She has not been served a pescetarian meal. But her aversion to beef doesn’t stop her from biting off the heads of every single person in her path.

She lashes out at Lauren.

“You’re being an absolute c**t,” she spits. “You haven’t listened to my dietary requirements!”

An appropriate reaction. Picture: Channel 10.

But she soon gets payback.

As the bride and groom share their first dance, Tamara begins to heckle from the sidelines.

“She’s so frigid!”

Remember when being called frigid was the worst insult that could be hurled in primary school? We need to bring it back.

Tamara is fed up.

“I’m so done with this. I’m gonna go. I’m the bride’s sister and everyone else got food except for me,” she scolds a producer. “You’ve ruined my f**king mood! I’ve got PTSD over weddings now!”

She exits stage left at the State Theatre before making one final criticism.

“ … And my drink wasn’t filled up for an hour!”

Tamara, something tells us that’s not true.