REVIEW: Game of Thrones, season four, episode ten

SPOILER ALERT. It has been a season full of unprecedented shocks, but Game of Thrones somehow managed to save the best for last.

SPOILER ALERT. This article discusses major plot points from Game of Thrones episode 10. If you haven’t caught up yet, stop reading now.

Traditionally, Game of Thrones finales have been considered dull affairs, much like Dothraki weddings with less than three deaths.

MORE: Why is Pod such a mysterious sex god?

In previous seasons, the last episode has tied up a loose end or two, calmed everything down after the excitement of episode nine, and showed Daenerys celebrating some sort of ridiculous triumph.

Dany’s customary end-of-season win fest didn’t happen this time.

This finale was different, because this one passed the Dothraki wedding test. Tywin Lannister, Sandor Clegane (probably), Jojen Reed and Shae Something-or-other are all dead. Of course, as the most powerful man in Westeros, Tywin is the biggest name on that list.

I’m going to miss the guy. Yes, Tywin was an arrogant, heartless, bigoted, ruthless old man with a murderous grudge against his own son, but he was also the show’s most formidable character. Ironically, he died in the least formidable way imaginable - Tyrion shot his father with a crossbow while he was sitting on the loo.

“... Not funny.”

This was probably the most plot-heavy episode in Game of Thrones history. If you’d rather avoid trudging through the minute details, here’s a quick summary of the important events:

• Stannis suddenly showed up at the Wall with a huge army in tow. He defeated the wildlings and took Mance Rayder prisoner;

• One of Daenerys’ dragons killed a three-year-old girl and disappeared, so she locked the other two in the catacombs beneath Meereen;

• Bran reached the tree from his visions, where he finally found the “three-eyed raven”, but Jojen was killed on the way;

• Podrick and Brienne ran into Sandor and Arya. In a clash of the odd couples, Brienne mortally wounded the Hound, and Arya escaped to the coast, where she boarded a ship heading to Braavos.

• Jaime and Varys helped Tyrion escape from King’s Landing the night before his scheduled execution. Before he left, Tyrion killed both Shae and Tywin.

Varys is easily the most useful person in this picture.

Game of Thrones geeks, you’ll find a more detailed recap of the season four finale below.

REMINDER: We’re discussing the TV show here. If you’ve read the books, that’s fantastic, but keep any earth-shattering spoilers to yourself or I’ll unleash an army of undead skeletons on you. Because I definitely have that sort of power.

AT THE WALL

• Jon Kissinger and Mance Rayder convened a high powered diplomatic meeting in the wildling leader’s tent, although it felt more like a confessional. Jon told Mance about his plan to infiltrate the wildling army all that time ago, back when he really did know nothing. Mance told Jon he’d sent 400 men to climb the Wall beyond Castle Black’s defences. Then he promised there would be no more killing if the Night’s Watch allowed the wildlings to pass through the Wall. “My people have bled enough,” Mance said. “We’re not here to conquer, we’re here to hide behind your wall, just like you.”

• The meeting was derailed by Jon’s obvious intention to kill Mance - the kid has no subtlety - but an army of horsemen with Stannis at its head appeared out of absolutely nowhere and swept into the wildlings’ camp. How very fortuitous. After identifying himself as Ned Stark’s son, Jon convinced Stannis to spare Mance’s life. “I was this man’s prisoner once,” Jon said. “He could have tortured me, he could have killed me. He spared my life.”

Old Jon Kissinger enjoys another diplomatic dinner.

• Later, at Castle Black, Stannis watched a massive pile of corpses burn. Looking through the flames, Jon saw Melisandre staring back at him intensely from across the courtyard. She’s either really, really into him, or she wants to bathe him in leeches. Speaking of which, where the hell did Gendry go? He can’t have been rowing this whole time, surely.

• Jon also visited Tormund, who is being held prisoner by the Night’s Watch. The wildest of wildlings, whose ginger beard gets more glorious with every passing episode, told Jon that Ygritte loved him. “All she ever told me about was killing you. That’s how I know,” Tormund said. “She belongs in the north. The real north. You understand me?” Jon clearly did understand. He carried Ygritte’s body north of the Wall and burned it.

Jon and Stannis in the same place. That should be interesting.

IN KING’S LANDING

• Cersei, Qyburn and Grand Dodderer Pycelle examined Gregor Clegane’s not-quite-dead body. Apparently, Oberyn poisoned his backup spear for the trial by combat. I guess that’s why he was called the Red “Viper”. Cersei gave Qyburn permission to keep Gregor alive in his own, typically disturbing way. “Will it weaken him?” she asked. “Oh no,” Qyburn replied, with far too much relish.

• As Qyburn started his work on the Mountain, Cersei confronted her father, finally confessing to her incestuous relationship with Jaime. “You never believed it. How is that possible?” she asked. “How can someone so consumed by the idea of his family have any conception of what his family was actually doing? Everything they say is true, about Jaime and me.” She then decided to prove her point by seeking out Jaime and screwing him on a table.

Jerry Springer would be proud of Cersei’s confession.

IN MEEREEN

• Daenerys was confronted by an elderly man called Fennesz, who begged her to let him sell himself back into slavery. “With my master, I was a teacher. I had respect and love from his children,” Fennesz said. “For those of us too old to change, there is only fear and squalor. I am not alone.” Dany decided she would allow him to sign a new contract with his old master, covering a maximum period of one year. She seems to be missing Ser Friend Zone’s advice already.

• The next man to approach Dany’s throne was carrying the charred bones of his three-year-old daughter. No prizes for guessing which breed of fire-breathing monster made that mess. Finally recognising her lack of control over the beasts, Dany led her two remaining dragons (the culprit, Drogon, had disappeared) into the catacombs beneath Meereen and locked them away. She’d better hope they never escape.

Dany’s been dragon her chain in the parenting stakes.

JOJEN’S DEATH

• Bran finally reached the tree from his visions, although as he, Hodor, Jojen and Meera approached it, a bunch of undead, child-sized skeletons popped out of the ground and started attacking them. Yeah, it was a weird scene. Bran’s bland band was saved by a mysterious girl (who is actually a “child of the forest”), but one of the skeletons stabbed Jojen, and Meera was forced to cut her brother’s throat to end his life quickly.

• Underneath the tree, they discovered an elderly man encased in roots - the three-eyed raven in his real form. “I’ve been watching you. All of you. All of your lives, with a thousand eyes,” the man said, because that’s not at all creepy. “(Jojen) died so you could find what you have lost,” he said. “You will never walk again. But you will fly.” According to tree man, Jojen foresaw his own death, but tagged along with Bran anyway. He definitely had a happier ending in Love Actually.

Remember grass, Bran? No, of course you don’t.

SANDOR’S DEATH

• Pod and Brienne, on their way to the Eyrie, stumbled across Arya practicing her swordplay. “You can s**t later, there’s people coming,” Arya told Sandor, who was hidden behind a rock. Pod recognised the Hound, Brienne recognised Arya, and Sandor realised a Lannister had given Brienne her sword. “I’ve been looking at Lannister gold all my life,” he growled. Eventually, Brienne and Sandor faced off in a heavyweight title bout, which left the Hound mortally wounded. Arya hid during the battle, and only reappeared when Brienne and Pod had left.

• “Killed by a woman. I bet you like that,” Sandor said, before begging Arya to end his life. “You remember where the heart is? F**k it, I’m ready. Go on girl. Another name off your list ... Do it. Do it! Do it!!” Arya just stared at him, then walked off, leaving Sandor to die slowly.

• Later, Arya reached the coast, where she found a Braavosi ship about to return home. “Valar Morghulis,” she told the ship’s captain, showing him Jaqen H’ghar’s old iron coin. The captain welcomed her aboard his ship, and they set off for Braavos.

The show’s best odd couple has broken up.

TYWIN’S DEATH

• Finally, back in King’s Landing, Jaime broke Tyrion out of his prison cell the night before his scheduled execution and told him to head for the docks, where Varys was waiting with a ship. “You have more friends than you thought,” Jaime said. “Farewell, little brother.” The Kingslayer Brothers hugged each other, perhaps for the last time. “Jaime. Thank you. For my life,” Tyrion said.

• But Tyrion didn’t head to the ship immediately. Instead, he slipped into his father’s chambers, where he found Shae. She called Tyrion by his old nickname, “my lion” ... but she was mistaking him for Tywin. Distraught, Tyrion strangled her to death. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he said. Then he grabbed a crossbow from Tywin’s wall, and set off in search of his father.

Remember the good times, Tyrion.

• You might recall a throwaway line from Littlefinger’s conversation with Robin last week: “Some men die sitting on their chamber pots.” Well, Tyrion just happened to find Tywin in his bathroom. “Tyrion. Put down the crossbow. Who released you? Ah, your brother I expect, he always had a soft spot for you,” he said. With Tyrion aiming the weapon at him, Tywin tried to smooth talk his way out of the situation. “I’d never let them execute you. Is that what you fear? You’re a Lannister. You’re my son,” he said. Tyrion wasn’t buying it. “I am your son and you sentenced me to die. You knew I didn’t poison Joffrey.”

• Tywin suggested that they talk in his chambers. “I can’t go back there. She’s in there,” Tyrion said. “What, you’re afraid of a dead whore?” Tywin asked. That last word set Tyrion off. At last, he pulled the trigger. “You shot me! You’re no son of mine,” Tywin growled. “I am your son,” Tyrion replied. “I have always been your son.” He shot his father again, then fled onto a ship.

No more epic Tywin glares.

Best one-liner

We’ll never get to enjoy the dark banter between Arya and Sandor again, but at least they gave us one final taste. Arya watched as the Hound leaned against a rock after his battle with Brienne, slowly dying.

SANDOR: “Big b***h saved you.”

ARYA: “I don’t need saving.”

SANDOR: “No, not you. You’re a real killer. With your water dancing. And your needle.”

Call me sentimental.

A sharp tongue to match his sharp sword.

Best Tywannical glare

After strangling Shae, Tyrion slumped against his father’s bed, clearly distraught. Then he spotted a crossbow on the wall. As Tyrion stared at the weapon, his gaze hardened into one of palpable rage.

We’d all been waiting a long time to witness Tyrion’s vengeance. In this moment, we knew it was coming.

His glares have been getting better all season.

Nipple count

I didn’t spot any nipples this week. My commiserations to avowed nipple enthusiast Grey Worm.

“Hodor” count

Two panicked Hodors were uttered during that weird fight against the undead skeletons. There were also some assorted whimpers and moans, but none of them became fully formed, disyllabic Hodors, so they don’t count.

Least appropriate sexual tension

After telling Tywin she’d been enjoying a raunchy sex life with her own brother for years, Cersei found Jamie in a secluded room and seduced him. Old habits and all that.

“I don’t choose Tywin Lannister, I don’t love Tywin Lannister,” she said. “I love my brother. I love my lover.” Cersei, those last two sentences would be absolutely fine if they were referring to different people. And if you didn’t kiss Jaime immediately afterwards. And if you hadn’t spawned three children with him.

At least they weren’t committing twincest next to their son’s corpse this time.

Jaime still doesn’t see the problem.

Most disgusting moment

Sandor’s face looked even worse than usual when Brienne was through with him. I never really wanted to see Tywin on the toilet either.

Most Sansastically irritating character

Shae, who really shouldn’t have been calling Tywin “my lion”. I mean, bad breakups happen. But if you’re going to spite your old boyfriend by sleeping with his father, at least have the decency to come up with a new cutesy nickname.

She could have called Tywin “Mufasa”, for instance, because he was the lions’ leader. See? And come to think of it, after Tyrion was disfigured during the Battle of the Blackwater, she could have nicknamed him “Scar”. That just works on so many levels.

See the scar? Yeah. You get it.

Burning questions

•On a scale of 1-10, with one being the Red Wedding and 10 being Bran’s entire storyline, how boring will King’s Landing be without Tywin Lannister?

•One of Daenerys’ dragons is still out there, somewhere in Essos. How much more damage will it do? And will she be able to keep the other two in chains forever?

•Mance Rayder is now Stannis’ prisoner. I doubt he’ll sit around doing nothing. What is Mance’s next move?

•What will Arya do when she reaches Braavos? Perhaps she really could become an assassin.

•What is Tyrion’s purpose in life now? The whole “Lannister legacy” thing has probably become irrelevant.

P.S. Thanks for reading over the last three months or so. Hopefully we’ll be back with more shamelessly convoluted recaps next year. In the meantime ... Valar Morghulis.

What did you think of the season finale? Comment below (no book spoilers please), or talk to us on Twitter: @SamClench | @newscomauHQ