REVIEW: Game of Thrones, season four, episode six

SPOILER ALERT. That, lords and ladies, was the most dramatic conclusion to any Game of Thrones episode we’ve seen yet. Which is certainly saying something.

SPOILER ALERT. This article discusses major plot points from Game of Thrones episode six. If you haven’t caught up yet, stop reading now. NOW, I say!

Forget Ned Stark’s beheading. Forget the Red Wedding. Forget Joffrey giving his own neck a shredding. That, lords and ladies, was the most dramatic conclusion to any Game of Thrones episode we’ve seen yet.

I know, I know. There were no unexpected slaughters. But the foundations of this week’s climactic scene were laid before the start of the series, back when Tyrion was born, and the results could not have been more spectacular.

This was THE confrontation between Tywin and Tyrion. Deep resentment on both sides of the relationship, which has been simmering for years, flared up in the throne room, and Tyrion finally lost every last shred of self-control.

There’s that Tywannical glare I love so much.

It was easily the best father-son get-together since Luke faced off against Darth Vader.

The episode ended with Tyrion demanding to stand trial by combat, like he did at the Eyrie. If Tywin grants his wish, you have to presume he would name Jaime as his champion ... which puts Jaime in a very awkward spot indeed.

I’m going to be buzzing about the final scene right up until next week’s episode. In the meantime, let’s recap the hell out of this one.

I’ll start with the trial of the century, because everything else was as boring as the inside of Loras’s head by comparison. But if you’d rather skip the imp-ortant details and read about the other stuff, feel free to scroll down.

REMINDER: We’re discussing the TV show here. If you’ve read the books, that’s fantastic, but keep any earth-shattering spoilers to yourself or I’ll get Ramsay Snow to run you a bath.

The Titan of Baavos was almost as impressive as Tyrion’s super-rant.

Tyrion’s trial

• Jaime marched Tyrion into the hall and led him to the dock, which was facing the Iron Throne. Along the way, someone in the crowd yelled out “Kingslayer!” They could have been referring to Jaime or Tyrion ... either way, that “Kingslayer Brothers” label is definitely catching on.

• As the trial started, Tyrion pleaded not guilty, and said Joffrey could have choked to death on his pigeon pie (not sure how that accounts for the blood pouring from his eyes, but I shan’t nitpick). “So you would blame the bakers?” Tywin asked sarcastically. “Or the pigeons,” Tyrion responded. “Just leave me out of it.” Ahhh. After all that time in prison, he’s still a funny lad.

• Cersei called a series of witnesses, including Ser Meryn Trant, Grand Dodderer Pycelle, Varys and herself. They all had rather incriminating things to say, and for the most part, Tyrion was not allowed to cross-examine them. When the witnesses had finished their testimony, Tywin called for a short recess.

That is the face of a man with too many problems and not enough Hawaiian holidays.

• Jaime used the break to confront his father. “This isn’t a trial, it’s a farce,” he said. “You’ve always hated Tyrion ... I saved your life (from the Mad King) so you could murder my brother?” YOU TELL HIM JAIME! The elder Lannister son offered to resign from the Kingsguard, return to Casterly Rock and continue the family line in return for a guarantee that Tyrion would not be executed. Tywin didn’t even hesitate before agreeing to the deal. “I’ll allow him to join the Night’s Watch,” he said.

• The bargain was conditional, however. Tyrion would have to plead for mercy. When Jaime told him this, he was sceptical of his father’s motives. “Ned Stark was promised the same thing, and we know how that turned out,” he said. Then Cersei called her next witness ... Tyrion’s lover, Shae. Wait, what!? Back at Joffrey’s wedding feast, before the game of Cluedo started, Bronn said she had left the city. Was he paid off by Cersei?

Meanwhile, back in the Small Council chamber, Oberyn surreptitiously checks out the queen regent.

• Shae’s betrayal was utterly damning for Tyrion. She didn’t hold back. “I know that he’s guilty,” she said. “He and Sansa planned it together. She wanted revenge for her father, her mother, her brother ... Tyrion was happy to help. He hated Joffrey. He hated the Queen. He hated you (Tywin), my Lord. He stole poison from the Grand Maester’s chamber to put in Joffrey’s wine.”

• The whole “pleading for mercy” thing became a bit fanciful at that point. Fuming, Tyrion growled that he “wanted to confess”, before rounding on the spectators behind him. “I saved you,” he spat. “I saved this city and all your worthless lives. I should have let Stannis kill you all.” He was still denying any involvement in Joffrey’s murder. “Of that I’m innocent. I’m guilty of a far more monstrous crime. I’m guilty of being a dwarf ... I’ve been on trial for that my entire life.”

Can you blame the guy for lashing out? Of course not. He’s Tyrion. Nobody blames Tyrion. Wait ... actually, everyone blames Tyrion.

• Even at that stage, Tyrion was only building towards the good stuff. Note the following, less-than-subtle stabs at Cersei and Shae. “I did not do it. I did not kill Joffrey, but I wish that I had,” he said. “Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores. I wish I was the monster you think I am. I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you. I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it.”

• Having destroyed any chance of avoiding execution, Tyrion demanded a trial by combat. He presumably wants Jaime to, err, lend him a hand. That should be fun, if Tywin lets it happen.

Remember this guy? Yeah. He still exists.

Other key points

• Stannis and Davos visited the Iron Bank in Braavos, where they encountered some stuffy agents. The bankers were extremely reluctant to fund Stannis’s faltering war effort ... or even show up to the meeting on time, for that matter. But that was just the cue for Ser Onion’s finest hour. “There’s only one reliable leader left in Westeros,” Davos said. “He doesn’t just talk about paying people back. He does it.” That speech swayed the uppity rich guys, and now Stannis seems to be rolling in gold.

• Yara Greyjoy finally showed up at the Dreadfort, angry sea bogans in tow, to rescue Theon. She found her brother caged in a dungeon, and tried to free him, but he refused to go. Ramsay really does control him now. Caught between love for her sibling and Ramsay’s morbid sense of humour - “You’ve got bigger balls than he ever did!” - Yara chose to flee. “My brother’s dead,” she told a sailor as they escaped towards their ship.

Put a shirt on you slob.

• Over in Meereen, Daenerys was forced to confront the consequences of her decision to crucify the city’s old masters. A man called Hizdahr zo Loraq, whose father was one of the crucified men, tearfully asked her to let him bury the body.

• Dany resisted at first, saying the slaveowners of Meereen had tortured and murdered innocent children. Then the conversation got awkward. “(My father) spoke out against crucifying them,” Loraq said. “He decried it as a criminal act.” Obviously, while the old masters were collectively quite evil, some of the individuals Dany crucified were half-decent men. “Bury your father,” she said, her belligerence wilting. Should have listened to Barristan.

Is that not the biggest “I told you so” face you’ve ever seen?

• For the first time since King Robert’s spit-ridden tirade in season one, the Small Council in King’s Landing is taking Daenerys and her dragons seriously. With Oberyn in attendance - “So, does this mean I am a master of something now?” - the council discussed the situation in Essos at some length. “She must be dealt with,” Tywin concluded.

• Varys and Oberyn had a lovely chat in the throne room after the meeting. The Dornish prince was mystified by Varys’s asexuality. “When I see what desire does to people, what it’s done to this country, I am very glad to have no part in it,” Varys told him. “Besides, the absence of desire leaves one free to pursue other things.” As one might, Oberyn asked Varys what those things could be. The Spider didn’t say a word in response. Instead, he just looked over at the Iron Throne.

Wait, now Varys is after the pointy chair as well?

Best one-liner

“They are very impressive on the battlefield. Less so in the bedroom.”

Oberyn spent five years in Essos, and that was his lasting impression of the Unsullied who now fight for Daenerys. It’s funny, because Grey Worm has been struggling with this issue ever since he met Dany’s pretty translator, Missandei.

There were actually a bunch of great one-liners this week, most of which came from Tyrion. He had plenty of time to dream them up in that prison cell.

Best Tywannical glare

Tywin and Tyrion tried to burn holes through each other’s eye sockets just before the credits rolled. I couldn’t pick a winner, so they’ll have to share the kudos here. At least they have something other than a surname in common now.

Don’t know how he found out that Unsullied soldiers are bad in bed. Don’t really want to know, either.

Nipple count (UPDATED)

Fourteen nipples, eight of which were female and six of which were male. Many of said nipples were exposed in a Braavosi bath house as Ser Onion’s best buddy, Captain Jack Sparrow, relaxed alongside some lady friends.

NOTE: I was clearly slacking off in my duty to spot semi-nudity this week. At first, I missed Theon’s nipples in the bath scene, Ramsay’s proud pair in the dungeon scene, and the rather obvious ones adorning his girlfriend a few moments earlier. Thanks to all the keen nipple watchers out there for bringing these outrageous oversights to my attention.

“Hodor” count

Given last week’s tsunami of Hodors, we were probably due a dry spell. Accordingly, there were no Hodors at all in this episode. Better luck next Hodor.

Instead of seeing Hodor, we got to listen to the Grand Dodderer’s dodderings.

Least appropriate sexual tension

Oberyn has a talent for asking awkward, sex-related questions. He took aim at Varys’s sexuality in this episode, and later, in the very same room, the prince interrupted Shae’s testimony.

Shae had just told the court about her first meeting with Tyrion, when he told her to “f**k him like it was his last night on Earth”. Flagrantly ignoring the serious, ultra-tense atmosphere of the throne room, Oberyn asked this follow-up question.

“... Did you?”

Most disgusting moment

While Yara crept into the Dreadfort, Ramsay indulged in some casual sex. Urgh. His indecently loud female companion may or may not have taken lovemaking lessons from Lysa Arryn.

Add old crazy eyes to the list of characters who should be required to wear chastity belts.

Most Sansastically irritating character

Shae. Having screwed Tyrion over in a good way hundreds of times, she only had to do it in a bad way once to sign his death warrant. Sure, he said some cruel stuff to her in a futile attempt to chase her out of the city, but that doesn’t mean she has the right to aid and abet his execution.

It all ground to a total Stannis still for a moment there. It’s OK now though, because he’s suddenly rich.

Burning questions

•Now Varys and Littlefinger have both implied they’re after the Iron Throne. Do their ambitions really stretch that far? And what is the Spider’s core motive?

•What is Stannis’s next move? Old grumpy pants still wants to rule the Seven Kingdoms, and he has lots of gold to back his claim now, but his focus appears to be on the north.

•Is Bronn still loyal to Tyrion? He said Shae had left King’s Landing ... so much for that. And he was conspicuously absent at the trial.

•Will Tywin grant Tyrion a trial by combat? If so, will Jaime volunteer to fight (left-handed) on his brother’s behalf?

What did you think of episode six? Comment below (no spoilers please), or talk to us on Twitter: @SamClench | @newscomauHQ