REVIEW: Game of Thrones, season four, episode eight

SPOILER ALERT. Many people thought Game of Thrones had gone too far several weeks ago. Well, now it has gone even further.

SPOILER ALERT. This article discusses major plot points from Game of Thrones episode eight. If you haven’t caught up yet, stop reading now.

Yikes.

Game of Thrones has always been gory. We’ve seen beheadings, crucifixion, torture and throat cutting on a semi-regular basis. This season alone, a child spluttered to death with blood running from his eyes, and Jon pushed his sword through the back of a man’s head.

But Gregor Clegane with his fingers in Oberyn’s eye sockets, crushing the guy’s skull like a watermelon ... that might have crossed a line. Maybe. Perhaps. Sort of. Definitely.

Oh, Oberyn, you held such promise.

It didn’t need to happen at all! Oberyn won the duel, even though his fighting style resembled the mating dance of a hyper-aggressive leprechaun. He had the Mountain on his back, impaled at the end of his spear and at his mercy. If he’d just finished the job instead of yelling at Gregor to confess like a psycho, none of us would have witnessed that sickening moment, and Oberyn would still have a freaking FACE. What a stupid way for such a fascinating character to die.

Even worse, Tyrion has been sentenced to death as a result. He pretty much needs one of Daenerys’ dragons to swoop in and carry him to safety, because I can’t see any other way out of this. Unless Jaime finally grows a pair. A pair of hands, that is.

Let’s get to the other stuff. It was much more tolerable.

REMINDER: We’re discussing the TV show here. If you’ve read the books, that’s fantastic, but keep any earth-shattering spoilers to yourself or I’ll get Gregor to ... well, you know.

Key points

•The wildlings attacked Mole’s Town, where Sam had left Gilly and her son. Ygritte discovered them after hearing the baby crying, but instead of murdering the pair like any normal wildling would, she stumbled upon something resembling a conscience and left, motioning at Gilly to stay quiet. No wonder Jon fell in love with the woman. Maybe he did know something after all.

Oops. Suuuuure she jumped, Littlefinger. Suuuuuure.

•Littlefinger tried, rather unsuccessfully, to convince the Lords of the Vale that Lysa had jumped through the moon door on purpose to commit suicide. Sansa came to his rescue by lying through her teeth. “My aunt was a jealous lady. She was terrified that Lord Baelish didn’t love her anymore, that he would abandon her for another woman,” Sansa said. “She stepped through those doors.” So, Littlefinger gets to rule the Vale now. His first act was to send Lysa’s nutty son, Robin, away from the Eyrie.

•Later, Littlefinger asked Sansa why she had lied on his behalf. “They would have thrown you through the Moon Door if they found you guilty. If they’d executed you, what would they have done with me?” she said. “Better to gamble on the man you know than the strangers you don’t.” he replied. The problem, of course, is that nobody really knows Littlefinger.

Ser Friend Zone has been sent to the loading dock and shipped out.

•Ser Friend Zone isn’t even lucky enough to be in the friend zone anymore. One of Varys’s “birds” slipped Barristan the royal pardon Friend Zone was once offered in return for spying on Daenerys. As you may recall, Friend Zone rejected the pardon when he saved Dany from an assassination attempt. Naturally, Barristan delivered the note to his boss, who was understandably displeased.

•“You betrayed me, from the first,” Dany said, standing over Friend Zone in her throne room. “You sold my secrets to the man who killed my father and stole my brother’s throne ... If you’re found in Meereen past break of day, I’ll have your head thrown into Slaver’s Bay.” That sounded pretty emphatic, so Friend Zone left the city, but not before spouting one final piece of wisdom. “This is the work of Tywin Lannister. He wants to divide us. If we’re fighting each other, we’re not fighting him.” Very true.

Ramsay gets a name. Beats being a snow.

•Ramsay used Theon/Reek to convince the Greyjoy soldiers occupying Moat Cailin to surrender. The successful ploy led to a heart-chilling father-son moment between Roose and Ramsay, in which the latter was officially unbastardised. “From this day until your last day, you are Ramsay Bolton, son of Roose Bolton, Warden of the North,” Roose said. “I will be worthy of you father, I promise,” Ramsay replied. He has daddy issues. Although to be fair, they are far less concerning than his many other issues. As the scene ended, we saw the Bolton army marching towards Winterfell.

•Sandor and Arya approached the Vale’s Bloody Gate, trading their customarily affectionate barbs, only to be told by one of the guards that Lysa had died three days earlier. Arya started laughing uncontrollably at the news, because what’s funnier than a gruesome death that robs your “travelling companion” of his ransom and probably forces him to keep hold of you for even longer?

How imp-udent of this author to underestimate Tyrion.

•“The Red Viper of Dorne. You don’t get a name like that unless you’re deadly, right?” Tyrion was clutching at straws ahead of his trial by combat, as he shared his cell with Jaime again. For about five minutes, the pair discussed one of their dead cousins, a “moron” who used to amuse himself by crushing beetles for no particular reason. At the time, this conversation seemed pointless and irrelevant. I should have known better than that. I’m sure Oberyn would agree.

•So. Oberyn. As his duel against Gregor began, the Dornish prince was characteristically cocky. “I’m going to hear you confess before you die,” he told the Mountain, referring to the brutal murder of his sister and her children decades earlier. “You raped her, you murdered her, you killed her children!”

•After much twirling from Oberyn and just as much frustrated grunting from Gregor, the fight appeared to be over. The Mountain was on his back, mortally wounded. But Oberyn refused to end the life of his opponent until he had extracted a confession. “No, no, you can’t die yet, you haven’t confessed!” he yelled. Gregor used the reprieve to full effect, knocking Oberyn to the ground, then crushing his skull. Ouch. While everyone else in Westeros remained motionless, Tywin rose to his feet and casually sentenced Tyrion to death, as though he were ordering a ham sandwich for lunch.

Not averse to a ham sandwich or two is Tywin, we hazard to guess.

Best one-liner

Appropriately, Oberyn went out with a bang, although not the kind he would have preferred. At least he managed to slip some sexual innuendo into his final scene. When Ellaria pointed out the sheer enormity of her lover’s opponent, his response was silky smooth.

“Size does not matter when you’re flat on your back,” Oberyn said. Of course, Tyrion’s reaction was even better.

“Thank God for that.”

Best Tywannical glare

I glared at the television non-stop for about two minutes after the credits rolled. That counts, right?

Nipple count

There were quite a few, but only two mattered. Just ask Grey Worm. He spent more than enough time staring at Missandei’s breasts.

“Hodor” count

Zero. Another overgrown man starred in this episode, and he seemed to lack Hodor’s sweet disposition.

Least appropriate sexual tension

I already mentioned Grey Worm’s epic perv. Dude, whether you’re Unsullied or sullied like the rest of us, it is not OK to stare at your naked English teacher while she washes herself in a river. Every school kid knows that.

A brief, dishonourable mention must go to Sansa and Littlefinger, whose eyes met while they exchanged some creepy dialogue.

“I know what you want,” Sansa said. “Doooo you?” Littlefinger replied, as though he were acting in a bad porn movie. Urgh.

Most disgusting moment

Duh. Oberyn. Although it must be said, the poor Greyjoy soldier who got skinned was a distant second.

Most Sansastically irritating character

I hate to keep picking on the same guy, particularly when he’s having such a bad day. But Oberyn must bear sole responsibility for robbing us all of our second favourite character ... Oberyn. Why did he have to be so stupid?

Burning questions

•WHAT THE HELL, Oberyn?

•Is there any hope for Tyrion now? Surely George R.R. Martin wouldn’t kill him off. Surely.

What’s the plan, Roose Bolton?

•Will Roose Bolton redecorate Winterfell? Some new drapes, perhaps, or a fresh paint job?

- Where will Ser Friend Zone go, and will he ever be able to creep on Daenerys again?

What did you think of episode eight? Comment below (no book spoilers please), or talk to us on Twitter: @SamClench | @newscomauHQ