‘We haven’t had sex in 11 months’: No sex and no weddings on Seven Year Switch

AUSTRALIA watched on with heavy hearts and clenched butt cheeks as the awkward revelations flowed on Seven Year Switch.

SEVEN Year Switch continued to do three things on Tuesday night:

1. Baffle Australia

2. Pull at the heart strings of Australia

3. Cause Australia to clench their collective butt cheeks at the tension that comes from not knowing whether a moving train is about to roll at a high speed off its tracks, crushing an entire village.

Unlike other dating shows, like First Dates and The Bachelor, it’s still not quite clear what this program is. With The Bachelor, the intention from the outset seems to be to make the people a joke before attempting to find them love. And while we all usually feel no guilt in pointing and laughing at the desperate singles who are more than willing to jump through hoops to find love, it’s not the same with this show. There’s something about the breakdown of their relationships and marriages that’s slanting towards sad rather than funny.

Revelations of no sex and the desire to delay a wedding were laid on the table on Tuesday night.

Bonding over seafood, something their partners both hate, Brad let his relationship problems spill to new partner Jackie.

“I’d like Tallena to be just a little more open,” he began. “I want her to be more open to me. I want her to be more sexually active. That’s another big one. We haven’t had sex in 11 months.”

Jackie almost spat out her soft-shell crab. “That’s a worry,” she managed.

“11 ... MONTHS?”

“But what guy would you know that would stick around for that long?” Brad continued. “We don’t kiss passionately. It’s like she’s my best friend. That’s how I see it, it’s just like she’s my best friend.”

Brad and his fiancee Tallena delayed their wedding recently and their new wedding date is just months away. A quick Google search will bring up lots of articles quoting relationship counsellors who say it’s normal for the sex to decline in any relationship. And it’s totally true. In my experience, the sex will always decline once someone has seen you eat a whole pizza off your chest while watching Suddenly 30. But the fact this young couple’s sex life is non-existent before they’ve even married is a pretty obvious heads-up that they’re not compatible.

The following day, psychologists Jo Lamble and Peter Charleston sit each person down and make them watch a video of their partner answering questions about the struggles in their relationship.

It’s like when the mean girl at school asks you what you really think of that bitch Hannah and then she immediately goes and tells Hannah that you think her fringe is weird.

The feelings Tallena revealed about her relationship with Brad in the video were a lot more serious than a weird fringe.

“The fact that we’re getting married in a couple of months, it puts a time limit on it,” she said in the video. “It doesn’t let us sort out our own sh*t in our own time. We’ve got a couple of months.”

Probed by the psychologists to reveal something she’s too afraid to tell her fiance, she continued.

“ ... There is a lot of contributing factors as to why we pushed back the wedding. But, a big part of it was that I had the money to afford the repayments and I had the money to put down as a deposit. And he didn’t,” she said.

She said the fact Brad then finds the cash to buy a big television makes her think their relationship “isn’t his first priority”.

Watching the video and hearing his fiancee talk about her doubts over their wedding made Brad finally admit his own doubts.

“I’ve never talked to Tallena about these feelings of having doubts,” he told Jackie. “I don’t know how she’ll take it. I’m not completely honest with her. I’m not ready to marry her. I’m not ready. We’re not ready. We’re not ready to be married. We’re not ready to be husband and wife.”

“We’re not ready to be married” ... Jackie and Brad watch their partners’ videos.

Brad and Tallena aren’t the only couple whose problems are caused by a lack of intimacy.

Last week, Jason said he and his partner Michelle hadn’t had sex in 17 months. They’ve been together for seven years and share a four-year-old son and an eight-month-old baby girl. Basic maths suggests the last time they had sex was probably the conception of the bub.

The biggest problem in their relationship is that both feel like Michelle has “lost” herself. She’s not relaxed. She’s not fun anymore.

Going out to dinner with her temporary partner Ryan, Michelle seems like a new person.

“My first evening with Ryan, the food was great,” she said. “(I) Had a wine and I just don’t do that anymore. So it made me feel like a bit more of a normal person and not just a mum.”

It seems odd that Michelle doesn’t see the fun she’s having with a glass of wine on a night out away from the kids, and then think about incorporating that into her regular life. If she did the same thing with her partner Jason, or even just with a girlfriend, her relationship would almost certainly improve.

A glass of wine away from the kids has turned Michelle into a different person.

Compared to all this, everything else that came out of the episode seemed trivial.

All the new couples are getting along and seem to be, somewhat, enjoying themselves.

Tim and Tallena played Twister before moving onto hide and seek (yep).

Tallena having a ball during Twister.

The only other major moment came when the new couples realised there was only one bed in the apartment.

They were shocked. Maybe it’s because they’re struggling with the moral dilemma of sharing a bed with someone that’s not their partner. Maybe it’s because of the foul bed spreads. No one really can say.

This bed spreads was probably stolen from a Rydges Resort.

If you’ve also eaten a whole pizza off your chest while watching Suddenly 30, tell me about it: @hellojamesweir

Seven Year Switch continues Tuesday night at 9pm on Seven.