James Weir recaps The Bachelor Australia 2021 episode 4

The Bachelor has copped a humiliating blow while trying to grab headlines with an explicit scandal. James Weir recaps.

Not even a C-word scandal can resurrect Channel 10’s once thriving franchise of The Bachelor, with the series now resembling the lukewarm microwave meals the contestants are forced to eat during the show’s integrated advertorials.

Only 360,000 metro viewers tuned in to watch Wednesday’s episode where tonight’s C-word scandal was teased. It’s a humiliating blow that probably resulted in network executives using a similar expletive. Over on Nine, a repeat of Travel Guides — a show where weird families catch Jetstar flights to affordable destinations — pulled in 454,000 viewers. It’s a network boss’s worst nightmare when the country would rather hang out on a Jetstar flight than watch their station’s tent-pole show.

As the old saying goes: If one girl calls another girl the C-word in a tacky mansion and no one’s around to hear it, did it even happen?

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

So, why is no one watching this freak show? It’s really hard to say. These episodes are so compelling! Like, who doesn’t wanna watch sad single people completing a hedge maze?

Producers should commission a spin-off where Osher hangs out in medical waiting rooms and watches old people completing crosswords in crumpled magazines.

Ratings gold.

The whole purpose of this show is to sell audiences a sparkly romantic fantasy but the best that producers can give us is a midweek date at a dirty beach while a thunderstorm rolls over and knocks everyone off their rental stand-up paddle boards.

Can we go back to the boring hedge maze?

A girl called Holly scores the single date and, while she’s getting swept away in the beach cyclone, the other girls are at the mansion complaining about her.

“I’m really p*ssed off Holly’s having a single date before me,” Stephanie fumes. “Holly sucks, man. You know what, (she’s) a b*tch. I just have no time for her.”

Sounds reasonable.

But Stephanie still has more to say. She’s sitting in the living room with a couple of the other gals and enjoying a relaxing herbal tea as the morning sunlight dapples through the French doors.

“So Holly’s a c**t,” she observes. “I mean, I can barely tolerate 10 minutes with her, so having to spend an entire day with her would be like eating nails. I actually think she’ll be the first one to come back from a single date without a rose and without a kiss. (That’s a) Bucket of cold water over her stupid head.”

The other girls shift in their seats and avoid eye contact, hoping the uncomfortable moment will just pass. Stephanie isn’t completely unaware. She recognises the awkwardness and makes one final declaration. “Sorry Jimmy, this is the real me,” she shrugs at the camera.

She’s a real peach.

Stephanie’s predictions are totally incorrect. Not only does Holly get a kiss and a rose — but she also gets taken to Jimmy’s house where she’s forced to indulge in sponsorship microwave meals. Suddenly, a bucket of cold water over her stupid head sounds more appealing.

Tastes like melted plastic with onion.

Despite the earlier trash talking, we arrive at the cocktail party and everyone seems to be in good spirits. It’s a good sign. Let’s leave the crass language in the past. It’s a new dawn and a new da-

“What a c**t,” Stephanie spits.

She watches as Jimmy pulls Holly away for more private time. It seems we need to keep a running tally of how many times the C-word is said in this episode. Right now, we’re up to three mentions. Stephanie doesn’t even care who hears her — she’s just blurting it out, right in front of Holly’s friend Brooke.

“Honestly, I can’t believe that Stephanie just called Holly the C-word,” Brooke says. “Look, it’s not in my nature to be a gossip, but I just don’t think that calling girls the C-word in the mansion is appropriate. I think I need to call Steph out.”

Brooke wastes no time in alerting Holly to her new nickname before an impromptu group confrontation breaks out.

“A horrific word was said,” Holly addresses the girls.

Steph plays dumb. “What was said?”

Holly continues. “We’re not in high school anymore …”

Steph interjects. “That’s funny, you say we’re not in high school but you’re the one starting unnecessary drama …”

“Because it was inappropriate.”

The group chat descends into a sparring match between Holly and Stephanie.

Steph squints. “But don’t you think your behaviour is more inappropriate than-”

“Than calling someone a C You Next Tuesday? Probably not.”

“When did someone call you a c**t? I didn’t call you a c**t.”

We admire her committment to the lie.

Brooke confirms she heard it.

“When did I call her a c**t?” Steph asks. “I don’t think I said that. Are you sure you didn’t mishear me? Because I would not have called her that. I wouldn’t have said that. I mean, I’ve got a microphone on, so I’d love to hear the playback.”

Well, thanks for the cue, Stephanie. Here’s an instant replay we prepared earlier:

*Rewind SFX*

The interrogation peters out and no conclusion is reached. Holly doesn’t even care anymore and neither do we.

Stephanie clomps out to the backyard with one of her minions and sighs. “Isn’t she kind of one, though?” she asks.

The C-word tally for the evening? Six. Also the number of people who tuned in.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir