James Weir recaps The Bachelor Australia 2021 episode 11

It’s never a good idea to Google the person you’ve just started dating. This girl found out the hard way.

A sneaky Google search dredges up sexy photos on The Bachelor in a moment that’s nowhere near as shocking as tonight’s declaration that Melbourne’s coffee scene is on par with the Starbucks at-home range of sachets.

You should never Google anyone you’ve just started dating. Yes, it’s excruciatingly tempting — but you’re just playing with fire. Googling a new partner will simply expose things you should never know or see. In Brooke’s case, this means sexy photos. From my own personal experience, a quick Google search ended with me finding the guy’s YouTube account featuring his really bad a cappella covers of Top 40 hits. Still, I’m not one to talk. If a new boyfriend ever Googles my name, they’ll uncover pages and pages of The Bachelor recaps. What a catch.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

The only good thing about this show right now is the sponsorship Maltesers that all the girls are contractually obligated to eat for breakfast:

I’d kill to be a Maltesers ambassador.

It’s been a few days since Brooke re-entered the competition and Jimmy decides to gift her a date where he goes and says the magic phrase all women and gay men want to hear from their boyfriends: “Let’s do pilates!”

Jimmy’s feeling a lot of urgency on this date. The countdown to the finale is on and he’s desperate to really sell the idea of living in Sydney to Melbourne-based Brooke. What’s so good about Melbourne anyway? Everyone just looks like they work in one of those art gallery gift shops.

He wants to show her that she won’t be missing anything if she moves to Sydney. For the next part of the date, he flashes an excited smile.

“This one’s very Melbourne,” he hints as he reaches into a kitchen cabinet.

What could it be? What’s the one thing that’s synonymous with Melbourne? They’re very proud of their coffee scene. Well, Brooke, if you want good coffee, you’ve come to the right place.

Jimmy beams as he presents to Brooke a selection of coffee from the at-home Starbucks range of sachets and pods. Available in all good supermarkets, next to the Moccona and the Nescafe Blend 43. Good luck competing with this, Melbourne!

Find a new personality trait, Melburnians!

Mmmm. Delicious. Smells like the staffroom at my primary school. Waddaya say, Brooke?

“I can’t move from Melbourne,” she blurts out to us.

Well, well, well. Look who’s too good for supermarket coffee.

But bad coffee isn’t the only problem. While she was in Melbourne on her temporary hiatus from the show, she made good use of her internet privileges and fell down a click-hole. “Being able to Google certain things … There were a few red flags for me,” she tells Jimmy. “Obviously I did a little cheeky stalk of you but I wasn’t expecting to see some of the paparazzi shots of some of the girls like Holly and Lily and Ash. And that does pose a lot of insecurity for me. It was really hard to see that — especially because Lily and your date looked quite sexual in the paparazzi shot. They made me feel a bit nervous because they did appear to be somewhat kind of sexual. It was just a lot to see.”

Sorry, Brooke — but screenshots or it didn’t happen. Reveal the photos!

Kablamo!

Kapow!

Brooke is feeling upset and insecure. We totally get it. How dare Jimmy cheat on her with all 20 of the other girls that he has been obligated to date throughout this series. It’s just not something you’d expect to happen when entering into a reality TV dating show.

She sits with Jimmy in silence and they sip their supermarket coffee. With each gulp, she winces. “Maybe my palate will acclimate to the bitterness,” she thinks to herself. It doesn’t.

So, she’s a coffee snob who refuses to move to Sydney. But she’s not giving up that easy and she insists on pursuing Jimmy. Maybe for the thrill of the chase. There’s still one big thing she wants to see if Jimmy is willing to do for her.

At the cocktail party, she pulls him aside and lays down the simple request: that Jimmy, a pilot, reschedule global flight itineraries so they only fall within the hours of nine-to-five, Monday to Friday.

“He works till 11 o’clock and I’d be spending a lot of nights on my own,” she says, detailing my dream relationship.

“You work nights, I work in the morning — from eight till four-thirty. I wanna spend nights with my partner … and I need you to know that.”

Please note, this season, it seems they’ve tried to put a positive spin on the “clinger” tag by rebranding it as “dependent”. Brooke isn’t clingy. She’s just dependent. Much more sexy.

Two random girls get sent home at the rose ceremony and Brooke makes it through. Will she end up with Jimmy? Nah. In a week, she’ll be sitting alone at the Sydney airport Starbucks, sipping a venti mocha latte with sprinkles.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Starbucks, Sydney, work ethic. So many red flags when it comes to Jimmy.