James Weir recaps The Bachelor Australia 2020 episode 9

A Bachelor contestant has pulled a passive aggressive move and exposed her nemesis in a Zoom chat. James Weir recaps.

A contestant on The Bachelor crashes a private Zoom chat and throws her nemesis under the bus in a passive aggressive move that’s more blatant and obvious than the garish indoor Christmas lights all the girls have hoisted around their living rooms as a way of jazzing up the backgrounds of their video calls.

Some viewers have been upset about the amount of “mean girl” activity happening on this series. If you’re triggered by this kind of content, it’s safe to continue reading because the mean girl who exposes the other chick over Zoom accidentally gets a plastic house plant caught in her hair extensions.

Wednesday night’s episode starts with good news and bad news.

Bad news: This is another entire episode of Zoom dates. Boo!

Good news: As of tomorrow evening, everyone will be breaking out of lockdown and returning to Casa del Tacky Red Champagne Flutes!

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

LISTEN TO THE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS PODCAST BELOW

Because of isolation, it doesn’t look like there’ll be home visits. So producers do their best by organising some of the girls’ family members to meet Locky over Zoom.

It looks like the opening for a very modern Brady Bunch.

Here’s the storyyy … of a man named Lockyyy. He was busy dating 19 separate girls!

They were whack jobs … living all together.

Roxi’s mum has a one-on-one Zoom call with Locky where she reveals her daughter’s alter ego: Ronda. Ronda is exactly like Beyonce’s alter ego Sasha Fierce – but instead of releasing up-tempo hit singles, she just starts fights in regional RSL bars.

“You just gotta make sure you say the right thing otherwise Ronda might come out,” her mum advises. “That’s her alter ego we’ve given her. You know Ronda Rousey? Ronda comes out when she’s annoyed.”

Roxi finds out about this and she’s positively annoyed. She denies having a split personality – and she gets so angry that Ronda comes out.

“All mum has done is talk sh*t about me, basically,” she grunts.

We’re sure Sasha Fierce has similar gripes with Tina Knowles.

Hey Ronda!

Meanwhile, Steph’s dad is livid with Locky for not asking his beautiful daughter out on a date. So he gets into full-on dad mode and demands Locky spend time with her. I use this same method to secure all my dates.

“Regarding Steph, why haven’t you taken her on a date yet?” he bellows.

Locky blames isolation but dad’s not accepting weak excuses. “Nah, you’ve had plenty of opportunities. A bitta action would be nice.”

Locky is stunned at the request for “a bitta action”. He remains silent and wide-eyed.

“Well, when?” dad pipes up. “When are you taking her on a date?”

The Zoom call conveniently “freezes” and Locky sits very still until dad hangs up.

It’s settled: I’m giving Steph’s dad access to all my online dating profiles. Watch out, gentlemen.

Because there’s only so much time we can fill with Zoom calls, producers decide to introduce a brand new girl.

We watch a video of Bec walking along the beach with her dog and she rattles off everything Locky wants to hear. What kind of girl is she? One who loves “catching unreal sunrises” and “doing crazy things”. She wants a guy who “makes the most of their days and never wastes a single one”.

“I love being outside,” she says while diving into a lake before emerging from the crystal clear water and whipping her blonde air to the side. “I’m a rule breaker. I hate rules and people telling me what to do.” It’s basically the “Cool Girl” monologue from Gone Girl.

Ughhh. What a nightmare. Just once I wish someone on this show was honest and said, “I love hot summer days so I can go to an airconditioned movie theatre and eat overpriced candy in the dark”.

Speaking of honesty, Bec says she’s 25 but then producers stitch her up and reveal her real age on screen.

Stop lying, Rebecca!

Locky takes one look at her The North Face jacket and falls head over heels. The other girls have no idea about the new addition and start setting up their mud huts for the Zoom cocktail party.

Bella pulls out the old Christmas lights from the back shed and attempts to burn down her house again.

She’s honestly playing with fire.

And then Osher crashes the call to tell the ladies about Cool Girl Bec. Word of an intruder sets Roxi off and Ronda immediately pulls up to the party.

“There’s a part of me that thinks Bec is here for fame. Like, do you really have a hard time finding a partner when you look like that? You’ve gotta be suss on her,” she says to the other girls.

When Cool Girl Bec joins the call, Ronda starts a private Zoom call with Maddy.

“I’ll tell ya this right now, I’ve seen her before. I swear to god, dude. I think she’s one of those ... Instagram influencer model people,” she says, but we don’t pay attention because we’re worried her indoor Christmas lights are about to burn the joint to the ground.

You’re excused, Ronda. We know these lights were absolutely Roxi’s doing.

Ronda is on a roll tonight. Earlier, she helped destroy Irena’s friendship with Bella. It was already in the bin because Bella is apparently the secret mean girl of the house but Ronda definitely helped rot that apple.

Maddy doesn’t say much because she’s too busy sneezing from all the dust that has accumulated in her many faux-fur accessories.

When you go to Adairs and buy three of everything.

But then “that Instagram influencer model person” crashes the bi**h sesh. At least her Christmas lights are outside, where they belong.

Finally, someone who hasn’t stuck Christmas lights to their refrigerator.

Then Juliette joins the chat. We all know Juliette hates Roxi and the only reason she has graced this call is to cause trouble.

“So, Roxi, now that you’ve spoken to Bec do you feel like you wanna backtrack on saying that her connection with Locky is just purely physical, because she’s beautiful,” she throws her nemesis under the bus.

Ronda cuts sick.

“What! Typical Juliette!” she almost snaps the stem of the wine glass in her fist. “Juliette, thanks for trying to cause a fight with me, like you do every week.”

Juliette then starts making up her own street slang comebacks.

“That’s not my lyric, man. That’s not my lyric,” she waves her hand. “I’m just calling out people for what they are.”

We zone out a little bit because we’re distracted by more indoor Christmas lights.

Who is responsible for this?

Juliette is pushing Ronda to the limit and she doesn’t realise she’s about to be KO’ed.

“Don’t pull that card with me, mate! That is a load of shit. Go stir up shit for someone else, Juliette, because I don’t want a bar of it,” Ronda spits down her webcam as Juliette gracefully sips her box wine.

‘I’m tasting citrus, florals and a hint of foil sack.’

They continue to garble at each other over the glitchy internet connection and Cool Girl Bec is just sitting there, dreaming about the next time she’ll be able to catch an unreal sunrise.

‘I just came here for the unreal sunrises.’

Juliette is one of those reality contestants who insists she’s not a trouble maker – she’s just a “truth teller”. People who call themselves “truth tellers” are insufferable. They’re also usually the same people who call themselves a “boss” or a “power woman”. Don’t argue with me, guys, I’m just being a truth teller.

The glitchy internet connection doesn’t stop Ronda.

“F**king hell, mate! All you do is run my name through the mud, dude! Pick someone else to have a go at!” she screams.

Juliette slams shut the lid of her laptop and storms off in a huff but accidentally gets a nearby plastic house plant caught in her hair extensions.

I mean, we’ve all been there.

Osher’s trying to start the rose ceremony but can’t get a hold of these girls because they’ve been screaming at each other in private Zoom chats. Once Juliette untangles the plastic fern from her hair extensions, we’re ready to roll.

Nicole is axed everyone holds their roses while staring pitifully down their webcams at her.

And then Osher kicks her out of the Zoom call. She wipes a tear from her cheek as she realises she’ll never return to Casa del Tacky Red Champagne Flutes.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

See ya!