James Weir recaps The Bachelor Australia 2020 episode 12

Rules were broken at a cocktail party when The Bachelor’s Locky used a prop to hide a secret romp. James Weir recaps.

Unofficial cocktail party rules have been broken with Locky using a prop to hide a steamy romp on The Bachelor in an episode that features more highbrow symbolism than that scrappy old Great Gatsby book.

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Everyone’s speculating about why Locky pulled Bella out of last night’s commitment ceremony. She plays it cool and deflects.

“Ummm … we just had a little chat about … Some stuff that went down during the night,” she meanders. “Ummm, just, like, to clarify a few things.”

Hmmm. Sounds like a lie, which is ironic because labelling Irena a liar last night is exactly why Locky roused on her in the first place.

Anyway, it’s the last group date of the series. There are no more Red Balloon vouchers left and Kerri-Anne stole all the cheese out of the Channel 10 fridge when she ditched Studio Ten. So the girls are tasked with writing speeches for Locky.

It’s basically 15 minutes of everyone calling him “my rock” while we cringe. We leave and go hang out with the alpacas.

Moo.

Locky hasn’t forgotten about Bella’s catty Irena meltdown.

“Even though I’ve always seen a future with Bella, last night I saw a side of her I didn’t like. She’s really getting caught up in all the drama,” he says.

“Confront her,” we reply.

He takes our advice and invites her on a date where he pledges to interrogate her about the unappealing moment.

“If we can’t move past it, it might be the end of the line,” he sighs.

“Just make sure you get it all on camera,” we raise our tacky red champagne flute.

At first we have faith that Locky can execute this mission. But then he goes weird.

“I can be pissed off with her and then I look into those big brown eyes and think, ‘OK, I’m happy’. She’s a little sh*t. But I can’t wait to see her.”

And we can’t wait until this crap-show ends.

You’re on your own, Locklan.

The producers book them a date to experience kintsugi – the ancient Japanese art of repairing a broken plate to make it stronger and more beautiful than before.

Wow! Symbolism! This show is just getting highbrow. Locky and Bella repairing a broken Royal Doulton dinner plate represents so much – it’s like the green light in The Great Gatsby. This will be studied in film and literature classes for years to come.

They smash the plate and glue it back together with PVA and gush about how their relationship is now stronger than ever. We spend the whole time wishing they smashed the tacky red champagne flutes instead.

“Did you know I journal?” she turns to him

Oh cripes. She’s gonna read aloud a diary entry.

“When I do love someone I am all in. I’m 100 per cent headfirst all in. And I’m all in with you. And I just want you to know that I’m falling in love with you,” she tells him.

Then it just gets awkward. He starts throwing pet names out there like “bub” and “babe” and then we listen to the sound of them very delicately kissing.

Schlurp.

Obviously we ditch them and go hang out with the alpacas again.

Moo.

Back at the mansion, everyone’s gearing up for one of the final cocktail parties.

“It’s high stakes tonight,” Kaitlyn says.

We just want to clasp her cheek with our palm and say: “It’s really not”.

Oh hon.

Irena’s paranoid about what Bella has been telling Locky on the date.

“I’m avoiding the drama and not getting emotional,” she declares.

But then Bella comes in and brags about her date and Irena immediately gets dramatic and emotional.

“It’s triggering me,” she sobs, running out of the patio.

We give Irena the benefit of the doubt because, until now, she has been the only person on this show with any sense.

She copes the only way she knows how. “I need a bloody drink.”

Get it, you thirsty dame.

Bella’s holding court and bragging to the girls when Locky pokes his head through the door.

“B,” he grunts.

“Me?” Bella looks around, clasping her chest and revelling in the glory of yet another delightful new pet name.

He nods. “Yeah.”

She follows him out to the backyard. He’s holding an umbrella because a heavy rain is falling. At least we think it’s raining. It could just be manufactured by producers as an attempt to crowbar in more symbolism. Perhaps it represents the storm in Irena’s heart. I don’t know, I didn’t study a Bachelor of Arts.

“Hold the umbrella behind us,” she whispers.

None of us know what she means so she grabs it herself and uses it as a shield to block the girls’ vision of them.

And then, Locky lunges in and pashes her. It gets steamy. Partly because of the kiss but mostly because of the humidity brought in from the storm. Either way, it’s a secret moment of steaminess that would make the other girls flip out. They’ve all agreed that no kisses are to happen at a cocktail party. A few weeks ago, some other chick did it and they all cut sick.

We feel sorry for that umbrella.

By the time everyone’s herded into the rose ceremony room, we’ve checked out because it’s no surprise who’s going home.

Kaitlyn get’s Jetstarred back to the Gold Coast. After she leaves, we pick up her tacky red champagne flute and smash it on the hardwood floor.

Osher glares at us.

“Kintsugi,” we shrug.

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