James Weir recaps The Bachelor 2019 episode 9

The Bachelor has caught out a contestant on camera. It was a secret plan that led to her downfall, James Weir recaps.

One of The Bachelor’s controversial contestants has been busted trying to hook-up with a crew member — and an elaborate plan to expose her leads to Matt catching her on camera before she brags about all the people who want to have sex with her.

The candid moment is almost as embarrassing as the pearl necklace that’s tangled in her hair extensions.

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Yes, I’m talking about Rachael — a lady whose confidence is more inflated than her lips.

Producers reel us in on Wednesday night with an in-house cheating scandal but then make us sit around for 35 minutes watching a lame date where Matt and Elly light a bunch of cane citronella lanterns.

Speaking of things that need to be set on fire, we check back in on the mansion, where Nikki has tea. I mean that figuratively but she also literally has tea.

Spill it bish.

“So, I have heard some things going around the mansion that Rachael might have feelings for someone that isn’t Matt,” she shares. We roll our eyes and inform Nikki her tea is stone cold as we found this out in the TV promos that have been airing all week.

“It’s common knowledge she has a crush on someone else,” Mary adds which is accurate because we just established we all know. Ladies, if you want to gossip with us you have to come with the details — bring names and photographic proof and maybe even some hand-drawn sketches illustrating how we can take the enemy down.

We give Nikki and Mary a deadline of COB to attain better information. Tick tock, dames.

But as if we’re going to wait around for these two bozos to uncover the juicy details. We go straight to the source.

“Obviously I’ve got a plan B,” Rachael smiles at us. “I’ve got a bit of a schoolgirl crush on a crew member. I’ve been giving him some winks here and there. I think my plan B is more my cup of tea.”

Rachael wisely advises us that you should approach cheating the same way you approach your bikini body goals: “It’s a smart goal — it’s specific, measurable, attainable, realistic.”

Wise words. She should start a lifestyle app.

“He’s good looking. Nice. Funny. He lives near me. So I’m definitely gonna hook myself up with him. Hopefully he doesn’t lose his job,” she adds about the crew member.

Oh Rachael, you big-lipped fool. He’s not going to lose his job. This is all a set-up. He’ll probably get a pay rise because he successfully snagged you in the honey trap to cause drama. You got played, lady.

Still, Rachael doesn’t realise this. She’s the kind of person with a strange amount of confidence — the sort of confidence exhibited by people who drive straight over roundabouts instead of around them.

“There are boys outside that wanna f**k me. So many. So many,” she sighs.

We stride back over to Nikki and Mary and tell them we just did their job for them. We now task them with executing a take-down.

“Matt would be so pissed off if he found out. He’d probably get rid of her and she’d look stupid,” Mary smiles.

“Well don’t just sit there, Mary. Tell him!” we yell.

Stop sipping tea and go spill tea bish.

“I don’t really care too much about speaking to Matt because I’m pretty keen to see plan B,” Rachael laughs to us.

We don’t really care too much about speaking any further to Rachael because we’re pretty keen to point and laugh at the weird pearl detritus that’s snagged in her extensions. What … is it? This idea obviously came from a Kmart Mum Hack Facebook Group. That’s the only explanation.

‘Hi ladies, I hacked this kids necklace into a statement hair clip — no negative comments ploise.’

By the time we finish howling at Rachael’s Kmart hack hair clip, Mary’s finally found out some decent new intel.

“So, before the cocktail party started, Rachael wrote her name and phone number on a little piece of paper. And I’m 100 per cent sure that she’s trying to find (the random crew member) to give it to him,” she informs us.

In a moment of perfect timing, we quickly look around the garden and see Rachael running off to find the crew member but then we start screaming again because we get a really terrific glimpse of her weird Kmart hack hair clip from behind and it’s even more funny than the first time.

I want you all to attach this to my fringe at my funeral.

We’re out of control tonight so we go swipe someone’s tacky red champagne glass and skol the mystery beverage in an attempt to settle down. The composure comes just in time because we manage to catch a beautiful interaction between Matt and that liar Abbie.

He compliments her dress and she informs him it’s “very Catholic chic” which is totally true because, traditionally, English nuns also had bedazzled boob slits in their habits.

Me trying to convince the maître d′ in Heaven to let me in on a Saturday night.

We’ve had enough trolling for the evening and we’re ready for this backyard barbecue to reach a climax. We shove Mary into Matt’s general direction and make her reveal all.

“I don’t want to be seen as a gossip but there’s one girl in the house and she’s actually interested in someone in the crew. I’m talking about Rachael,” she reveals. “She’s actually interested in this other person. And she has asked for his surname and things like that — trying to get his phone number.”

Matt can’t believe it — another lying girl who isn’t truly here for love. It’s almost like this is all just a reality show. He runs into a room to gather himself. He obviously wants some privacy, which we respect — so we just lurk outside and stare through the sheer curtains.

It’s fine, I also do this to hot guys I meet on the internet.

As Matt holds back tears, the producer in the room pretends they had no idea this was going on. But then he pulls out the receipts and gives Matt the slip of paper Rachael gave the crew member with her phone number on it.

Totally shady. We’d do the exact same thing.

Exhibit A: The receipts.

Matt’s absolutely humiliated. He runs into the dark backyard behind the mansion to find Rachael. The camera goes handheld and we push Mary into a bush as we hastily skip after them.

As we zero in on the target, Rachael is proudly bragging on camera about her attempted hook-up.

“I don’t feel bad per se … And I don’t feel bad having a plan B,” she smiles.

The cameraman can see Matt coming up behind Rachael, so producers lay a trap and keep probing her about the guy she’s trying to cheat with. We’re going to get an on-camera confession but also candidly bust her in-person. What a bloody treat.

“The plan with plan B is to message him when I get out. He’s got my contact details,” she declares just as we all roll up next to her.

“Hello Rach,” Matt says.

“Oh f**k,” she spins to face him. Her hand clutches her mouth and she attempts to play it cool. “Hello. What’s up?”

“I think I just overheard then … plan B?” he asks her point blank. He’s not backing down.

“Oh yeah,” she laughs. “I don’t know how to say this … it’s a bit awkward. But … I’ve just been doing it for a laugh.”

He doesn’t buy it so she resorts to a classic method of defence, which, I believe legal text books call: “JK JK JK JK JK”.

“It’s a joke! One hundred per cent a joke,” she pleads.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelor episode 8

But he starts laying out the receipts, calls her a liar and then makes one of the producers order her an Uber because as if he’s going to do it on his own phone and pay for a cheater’s ride. It’s called pride and self worth. I suggest you all remember yours.

“You’re f**king dogs,” Rachael whispers as she fumbles into the Uber. “You mean ‘f**king dog cantaloupes’,” we scream as we thump the roof of the Uber and watch it roll away.

Rachael will be fine. Her weird confidence will see her through anything.

“If plan B doesn’t work out I’ve definitely got a few others — plan C, plan D, plan E, plan F. Yep. I’ve never had any troubles getting guys in the outside world. So I think I’ll be just fine,” she proudly brags.

That sounds like a lot of plans to get through and all I’ll suggest is sipping a Gatorade in between to keep your electrolytes up.

As we’ve seen in previous episodes, an impromptu banishing doesn’t mean we just cancel the rose ceremony. It still goes ahead and we cull one more unlucky dame.

Mary’s worried her plan to get rid of Rachael by snitching on her will result in her own elimination. But that’s not how the universe works. Instead, we scrap Mary’s right hand girl Nikki.

Bitches of snitches get stitches.

For more observations on Kmart hack hair clips and keeping your electrolytes up while executing plans, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir