James Weir recaps The Bachelor 2019 episode 7

A Bachelor witch hunt is underway with a “compulsive liar” publicly dragged through the mud. James Weir recaps all the drama.

An embarrassing public tantrum has set into motion the take-down of one controversial Bachelor contestant who is exposed as a “compulsive liar” on Wednesday night.

In what can only be described as accurate, the woman is then compared to the undesirable symptoms of chronic lactose intolerance.

Two things you absolutely need to know about tonight: Everyone’s annoyed with Abbie after last week’s dog cantaloupe incident and we all spend the entire episode freezing her out because that’s how adults deal with complicated relationships. The other thing you should know is Nikki has absolutely become a star. She delivers OTT facial expressions and is weird and, honestly, they’re the only two traits I respect in a human.

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Emma has been a clinger from day one and she has only strengthened her grip the longer Matt has kept her away. That’s how clingers work. And the fact producers make Matt give her a single date tonight only rewards this behaviour.

You know when you go on a date with someone and you really like them but you just play it cool because it would be weird to tell them how keen you are? Yeah, Emma does the complete opposite.

“I want you to know how I feel about you,” she confides in him, with her dramatic Emily Blunt accent. “And my feelings are just off the charts. My heart literally melts every minute. You do mean the world to me. You really, really do.”

Fek.

He’s freaked out but he kisses her anyway because he’s frightened and she comes in a little too strong and lifts her leg and slightly grinds on him.

The date ends the same way all mine do.

Been there.

The following day, we’re treated to one of Osher’s tedious and convoluted and demeaning games that basically involves all the girls placing themselves in order of Best Human to Worst Human.

When it comes time for them to order themselves from most fun to least fun, Abbie and Nichole are forced to the end of the line — and it results in one of the most embarrassing arguments ever broadcast on this series.

“Do you really think we’re the least fun?” she snaps at the other girls. “We have so much fun. Like, look at us.”

Yeah, nothing says ‘fun’ like weird sleeves.

“This makes no sense!” she blasts. “Can we, like, get a grip?”

Look, as a general rule of thumb, if you have to launch an argument in an attempt to prove how fun you are, you’re probably not very fun. But Abbie doesn’t stop. Determined to show just how much fun she is, she strops up to the front of the line, stomps her feet and whinges until everyone gets so embarrassed about being involved in this display that they just let her stand at the front.

Surprising us all, Nikki goes and cracks a classic gag that proves she truly belongs in first place.

“Who invited the FUN police?!” she asks and we all laffff. Well, we don’t but we’ve really developed a soft spot for Nikki.

A+ yet again, Nicola.

Anyway, Abbie wins and so does some chick named Brianna who we’ve never seen before. They both get some private time with Matt which, for some reason, is watched on CCTV by all the other girls back at the mansion. It’s all very confusing.

“I love honesty. I’m too honest. I think I get into trouble because I can’t lie,” Abbie lies.

The girls back in the mansion go wild as they watch this play out. They’re fed up with Abbie and want to bring her down.

“Abbie’s more full of shit than the lactose intolerant people in here,” Nikki says while eating ice-cream. In all sincerity, Nikki making a gag about people with lactose intolerance while eating a milk-based product is perhaps my favourite thing to happen on this series.

Unfortunately she didn’t reveal who has been experiencing embarrassing lactose issues.

When it comes time for Brianna’s turn, she really nails her first date conversation.

“I love fun — lounging around, playing I Spy. It’s all about fun. And that’s … pretty much it.”

Accurate facial expression again, Nikki.

That night, Osher crashes the cocktail party and gets all “I’m not a regular mum, I’m a cool mum” on us.

“It won’t be a regular rose ceremony, it’ll be a live rose ceremony,” he says with a wink and a shoulder roll.

Basically Matt will hand out roses throughout the cocktail party and the girl at the end without a rose is forced to trudge through the garden and out to the Uber while everyone points and laughs.

While Matt does this, Sogand takes it upon herself to confront Abbie and ringlead her demise.

“Abbie has lied to Matt many times. Abbie is either a compulsive liar or she lies so perfectly that she almost believes in her own lies,” she declares.

Sogand’s proof? Last week, Abbie told Matt she wants to get married and have kids in the next five years even though she had previously told the girls the complete opposite.

She presents her damning case to Abbie while Nikki shushes everyone so we don’t miss a single passive aggressive insult in the showdown. Shushing the pod is usually my job in the office when I hear an argument happening across the room.

Everyone shut up, I think Donna is about to call Wendy from accounts a bitch.

But Abbie presents a compelling rebuttal we just can’t argue with.

“I have truly been honest … I’m honestly known for being honest,” she says, and that’s a direct quote. She then runs away which is how I also like to end an argument that’s clearly not finished.

After trying to gaslight Sogand and the other girls to make them think they’re the crazy ones, she tries to do it to us.

“Sogand is losing her shit. She’s obviously doubting her connection with Matt and looking for something to be mad at me for. It’s actually f***ing inane,” she eyerolls.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelor episode 6

It’s around now Matt decides to give that snoozefest Brianna a second chance to see if she has come up with anything interesting to say.

“I’m not good with feelings in general,” she drawls. “I’m not someone with long term goals to marry right now. I don’t really think past a week ahead. I just do what I wanna do.”

Look, same. But wrong answer.

Brianna walks herself to the Uber and Matt begins to wonder if this show is just being used by producers as some kind of playground to create drama and entertainment instead of everlasting love.

And while Brianna is released back into the world to live her simple hour-to-hour existence, Nikki is handed the final rose.

She survives another week and is totally excited to deliver us more OTT facial expressions and gags about people with severe dairy allergies.

Just a bit psyched.

For more observations on being fun and the ongoing feud between Donna and Wendy from accounts, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir