Bachelor Felix Von Hofe outs himself as a chaotic love rat

Chaos erupted as one Bachelor accidentally outed himself as a frisky love rat in one very unpopular move.

The Bachelor’s episode 2 kicks off with Osher calling it a “brave new world!”

Honestly, he would be right if he’d kept his hair grey but he has gone back to blonde, so I beg to differ – things are still exactly the same, Osher.

Felix, Thomas and Jed stand in front of him like a male version of Charlie’s Angels and all do their best at looking earnest. Osher preaches to them about love like he is ScoMo doing a sermon at church.

Then we flash to the bachelorettes, I mean detectives working out that there’s more than one bachelor.

Many dramatic words are tossed around like, “Stop,” and “What just happened!”

It becomes clear that the ladies are tossing around three names. However, Leah speaks straight to camera and very cleverly decides that the three names must deduce to eight men, and someone give this woman a true crime podcast.

Sleuth Leah said: “So, there are three, four, five, six, even maybe eight bachelors!” Yes girl! I mean, absolutely not, but whatever.

Leah is on the case and I won’t hear otherwise.

Osher turns up and announces there are three bachelors! I’m immediately bitter there is no follow-up interview with Leah about the number of Bachelors.

Everyone woos like they haven’t just been complaining about it. You even hear a rogue, “Yeah, the girls!” A nice gesture of female friendship before they are all fight over three average white men.

Thomas, Jed and Felix march out to present themselves to the ladies – cue more wooing. Someone give these girls tiaras and sashes they are in full bachelorette party mode.

Krystal, aka the most exciting person on the show, calls Thomas “sensual,” I’d personally go with the word wholesome, but we are all different.

Tash, who looks like she should be a manager of a Kookai store, declares she wants to undress Jed. Meanwhile, Jed looks a bit stricken, clearly is looking out for the next snake that will dare reject him.

Jed looking ready for love but scared of rejection.

Immediately Osher attacks Thomas and calls him the most “seasoned” bachelor. Which Thomas directly knows is an age jab. In response Thomas compares himself to a bottle of wine – a very old lady on Facebook thing to do! So, he isn’t helping himself.

Jed gets called too young and said he isn’t looking to slow down but is looking to settle down. Which sounds exactly like something a man would say right before telling you he doesn’t do labels but you are very special too him.

Thomas is a rose between two thorns.

Osher realises all three bachelors are being boring and decides to get things moving and declares to the ladies, “If you are sick and tired of men stringing you along, I’m happy to say that all ends tonight!”

Osher that isn’t true, these men are dating multiple women, it is about to become a bloodbath! Nevertheless, the ladies lap it up; honestly, gals do better – this kind of trusting mindset will lead you to get catfished.

The men then unveil they have three Michael Hill style rings to give out, and everyone goes nuts. Wait until you have to send a photo of that ring into the group chat, girls – you are gong to get roasted!

Bella is the only one that is sceptical and smartly points out, “I’ve seen Frozen, you’re not meant to marry a man you just met!” Great point, Bella, remember when Khloe Kardashian married Lamar within months? Terrible idea.

Suddenly it becomes Jed’s time to shine and the other two bachelors disappear and Jed saunters around the room full of women.

Tash does a speech about how she shares toys not boys and clearly is going to be the villain of the season. Who is going to tell this gorgeous woman that she’s on a reality show where the whole premise is sharing a boy?

Tash. The face of a woman plotting.

Angela corners Jed and mentions marriage immediately, she then bangs on about her grandparents and Jed just inserts words like, “mmm” and “connection.” I’m desperate for him to try and connect by asking her what her favourite Paramore song is but he doesn’t live up to that stereotype.

While those two get cosy the girls discover Jed has been kissing other ladies, and Tash is not happy. “Finding out he kissed other girls doesn’t sit well with me,” she explains. Wait until they all realise his idea of flirting is discussing his tattoos.

Tash then gathers a gaggle of girls and declares when she kisses someone it means something. Everyone nods their heads in agreement and then Tash gets bored and saunters up to Jed and kisses him in front of everyone. It is a power move! Everyone is perplexed and stressed.

Tash is not here to make friends and I love it.

Next we get to see Thomas in his room full of women and I’d use the word overwhelmed. He is a Mum on Christmas Day trying to greet every guest and cook lunch. Thomas clearly wants to keep everyone happy, unlike Jed who has opened an unofficial kissing booth.

All the girls love him and one girl even says, “he remembers what we spoke about!” And the bar for men is on the ground.

But clear the floor because this whole situation is all about Leah. Leah decides that Thomas is the love of her life and starts waxing lyrical about him, she calls him her “superman” and “partner in crime,” babe you need to save these for the one year anniversary Instagram post.

Thomas is completely taken with Leah and keeps saying their 20 minute date changed his life, then Leah starts crying because she is so into him. She also makes a joke that her heart is on her sleeve even though she isn’t wearing sleeves – which, of course you aren’t, babe this is the bachelor, the men wear suits and the women wear almost dresses.

Finally, we get to Felix who is the tallest and least truth-worthy. Why do those two things always go hand-in-hand? Felix is heaven and declares he wants to find love but also have fun, so he is treating the show like real-life Tinder.

Tilly, who has half a boob out is here to win and immediately corners the giant man. Tilly tells Felix she can see their whole lives together, and he laughs but then realises she may kill him if he keeps laughing and then says he completely agrees!

Felix then kisses Tilly because, as he says, “I do what I want!” Well, so does Tilly, she has half a boob out.

Everyone is completely alarmed in response. Krystal storms out which is everything but considering he’s too busy kissing, he doesn’t notice. So, she stands outside and takes some deep breaths and waits for him to notice and then he doesn’t – so that was a complete bust.

Back in the house Ella starts crying and a producer pops up in a mask and she rambles about a cheating ex and she says she needs to go home because Felix making out with someone in front of her is too much.

Ella can’t handle the PDA and saunters off.

Suddenly, Jed appears and tries to have a chat with Felix about him being more sensitive to the other ladies but Felix is in f-boy mode and declares, “This is what we are here for! To get with people.” Sweetie did you miss Osher’s sermon? It is actually about love!

Felix goes back to Tilly and gives her his jacket. Tilly asks about his family, he replies by making out with her instead. Then they get a blanket and it is very year nine sleepover vibe and no one knows what to do!

What is more tasteful then a blanket.

After the very traumatic mingling, the bachelors reunite to debrief. Felix makes jokes about the hardships of being a hook-up king. Jed and Thomas laugh along but are clearly mortified – and can someone just call him a douche? Or would that shatter bro-code?

The boys having a completely boring debrief.

Osher heads in to check on the ladies and tries to act like this show is romantic and hasn’t turned into a year 10 after-party. He also drops the bomb that the group dates this season are different and only the ladies invited on group dates will be at risk of going home – aka there are too many women on this and they need to go!

Half the girls get invited along to a group date which is a pool party and Leah is worried that Thomas is using this as an excuse to get rid of her – her level of insecurity is very high.

Felix does weights in the pool, while Jed declares he isn’t taking his clothes off and it is all too much.

The pool party just consists of Felix getting his shirt off and Thomas wanting to get romantic with Leah. Bella, who is my new favourite person, says she loves the pool party because it includes her three favourite things, “Champagne, dick and oysters!”

And the best part is she doesn’t seem to put any effort into talking to the men, instead she dedicates her time to the booze and food.

Feflix using any excuse to get naked.

Bella ignoring men and living her best life.

Everything’s a bit dull for a while but then Tash and Jed disappear together and Tash talks about dating a previous famous bachelor and gives her best “I’m one of the boys speech!”

She explains how she hates jealously which is hilarious because she was just telling all the gals how she hates that Jed is kissing other girls. Still, Jed eats it up and I’m getting the feeling she could be the Kourtney Kardashian to his poor man’s Travis Barker.

Meanwhile, for absolutely no reason and after only speaking three words to each other, Naomi and Felix hook up by the pool.

Yuri gets mad and calls him “shallow!” And honestly, babe – yes.

Felix in full love-rat mode.

Finally we arrive at the Rose Ceremony.

Bye random women that never took any screen time.

Three women go home that I have never seen in my life, and then Jasmin is the last picked by Jed, and she’s not happy about it, and it seems like she’s about to have a fight with Tash.