Real Housewives of Sydney turn on Lisa Oldfield over ‘sick’ Instagram post

LISA calls herself the ‘Ozzy Osbourne’ of the Real Housewives — but her castmates are horrified by her ‘sick’ Instagram posts. Here’s our episode 2 recap.

LAST week’s debut episode of The Real Housewives of Sydney climaxed with the Housewife equivalent of a mic drop, as Bondi blonde Victoria hurled spiritual guru Athena’s cape over a bar balcony.

Athena’s under pressure again in episode two — and a few of the Housewives take serious issue with queen of controversy Lisa’s ‘sick’ online presence.

Last week’s episode 1 recap: Capes and catfights

We open this week at Victoria’s Bondi apartment, where she’s still bathed in a warm post-coital glow after that cape throw.

Krissy — who fled the party with her — visits with a celebratory bottle of wine and a special snack for the woman who last week labelled Athena “Jatz Crackers”. Yep, you guessed it:

“I thought it would remind you of Athena,” she smirks.

If Arnotts aren’t already courting Victoria and / or Athena to mount a Jatz cracker cannon on a float at next year’s Mardi Gras, there’s no justice in the world.

The pair reflect on the party, and agree on one thing: They really don’t like Athena, who spent the evening alternately lecturing the housewives about her spiritual superiority and calling them names like “fat little girl.”

“All you’re saying is nasty hateful things, then you’re Namaste-ing around the room? I don’t get it,” says Krissy.

Victoria announces that she’s planning to take the ladies out to lunch ... but doesn’t want to invite Athena. DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

Across town, Athena takes pal Melissa for an extreme makeover disguised as a casual shopping trip.

“Melissa’s very cute, but I think she needs a revamp. I feel she’s really stuck in her golden era, her TV days,” she says.

Melissa looks just THRILLED at the prospect of an uninvited image overhaul:

Do to her what her eyes say you wanna do.

The pair dissects the events of the party, with Melissa conceding that, no matter what was said, Victoria’s cape throw was a bit OTT.

“I could’ve gone to the police and put a report against her,” says Athena with typical understatement.

Athena was mere MINUTES away from reporting Victoria to the terrorist hotline

“I mean, that could’ve been a family heirloom,” agrees Melissa, which is a delightfully shady description of what was essentially a tattered piece of netting.

“A woman of HER AGE behaving the way she is? She must be in a lot of pain,” says Athena, making the episode’s first obligatory ‘Victoria is older than the sun’ reference.

Melissa offers her friend some advice: Simmer down with the ‘spiritual chatter’ otherwise you’ll probably end up over the balcony yourself next time.

Athena’s not sure she can do this, and she offers a completely reasonable analogy to explain why:

“It’s like when the Tibetans lost Tibet to the Chinese. If I just sat there and meditated and prayed, they would have trodden all over me.”

#FreeTibet #FreeAthenaX

Melissa fields a call from Victoria, inviting her to lunch with the ladies. Because this is Real Housewives, Melissa chucks Victoria on speakerphone while standing right next to Athena.

Melissa: “Have you invited Athena X? Because she’s actually-”

Victoria: “I’m not 100% on whether I’m going to invite Athena or not.”

Melissa: “Well I’m, um …. I’m actually here with Athena at the moment.”

Victoria: “She can hear the call? [sickening, deathly pause during which Victoria is surely soiling herself] Oh darling of COURSE I’m going to invite her!”

*bursts into flames*

Much like the guest list, the dress code for lunch is whites-only and so Athena decides to accept the half-arsed invite — mainly because she’s already got her eye on a flowing lace wedding dress she wants to wear. She knows that some of the ladies will think she’s Jatz Crackers for turning up to lunch dressed as a turn of the century poltergeist, but she doesn’t care.

“Being called crazy, that’s the biggest form of compliment for me. ALL geniuses of our times were called crazy,” she says. Lady knows her history: Albert Einstein was roundly mocked by his gal pals over his penchant for vintage bridal wear (ed’s note: can we fact check this please?).

Next up we’re at Lisa’s house, where she’s just arrived home from a long day of work with Daryl and Ozzie on Hey, Hey:

Jackie MacDonald.

Lisa Oldfield.

Lisa and husband David crack open a bottle of champagne and sit by the pool while their kids Henry and Bertie go for a swim. Things are genuinely TENSE between these two.

It's like the world’s worst episode of Man O Man.

Consider these exchanges:

Lisa: “Bertie called me an idiot.”

David: “Did he? Why Bertie, you haven’t known her long enough to make that estimation yet.”

Lisa: “Sorry I’ve been home late every night this week.”

David: “We haven’t missed you.”

Wait a minute. Is David Oldfield the biggest bitch on Real Housewives of Sydney?

Still, the pair can agree on one thing. Clinking their champagne glasses, they raise a toast “to evil. Long may it reign!” Even Cruella De Ville would dismiss this as “a little campy.”

We’re at Nicole’s house next, where she’s again wearing the apron it’s becoming increasingly clear she will one day be buried in:

ALDI Nigella vibes

Good values are important to Nicole, who lectures her children about the importance of charity work.

“There’s so many people who are less fortunate than us, which is why it’s so important to do charity work. It is SO IMPORTANT,” she bellows at them.

The kids are, like, SUPER into it:

Excellent eyeroll, Narwhal.

“To me, manners are everything, and they’re a reflection of your upbringing and your education. It’s VERY important that my girls are well mannered at all times,” says Nicole.

The girl have other ideas.

“Did you fart, Neve? It STINKS. You did, didn’t you? NEVE IT REALLY STINKS.”

“NAWAL DROP IT!” Nicole screams, mortified. No, more of this! Fart on, Neve, you crazy, flatulent diamond!

Krissy’s home life is a bit more relaxed — as relaxed as you can be with your own chef — and she’s hosting her first big family dinner since moving home from Shanghai. She describes her family as “like the Kardashians” — and she’s not wrong:

Niece Savannah is in Kendall Jenner cosplay

Mum Denise is VERY Kris Jenner.

As with any good intergenerational family dinner, talk soon moves to their respective Instagram accounts. The kids are mortified by the comments Denise left on a relative’s photo of her cat: “I love your pussy, it’s so soft and warm. I love the touch of your pussy,” she apparently wrote. Denise feigns innocence in true Mrs Slocome style. She know what she doin’.

Savannah tries to guide her aunty Krissy, who posts “up to six times a day” on Instagram (obviously this is insane behaviour), to tone it down. “It’s social suicide,” she warns.

Krissy’s not having it.

“I am the insta-whore. Cheers guys!”

‘To whores!’

LUNCH / FIGHT CLUB

The girls head to the north shore — “another country,” according to Victoria — for their White Power Lunch.

Krissy arrives and, as she did last week, immediately thirsts after the wait staff.

“I need a drink, is there a waiter? A CUTE waiter?” she asks, eyes widening when she realises the person taking her drink order is indeed MALE!!!!!! and LIVING!!!!!!!

That’s right missy, hands where we can see ‘em.

Krissy has one aim for lunch: to get to know the real-life Lisa Oldfield, away from her regularly shocking online presence.

“I don’t even know some of the stuff she types, it makes me feel sick. I don’t get where that brain is coming from.”

Before Lisa arrives, Krissy shows the others a since-deleted post from Oldfield’s Instagram, congratulating Amy Winehouse for being ‘five years sober’ on the fifth anniversary of her death, complete with a pap shot of a wasted, bruise-covered Winehouse.

“I think she tries to be funny … and it backfires,” offers Nicole.

Victoria’s not impressed: “She picks on women.”

Melissa and Athena arrive, and, as promised, Athena rolls up like she’s just come fresh from the set of the Picnic at Hanging Rock remake.

“That dress was quite hideous, but on Athena X it was stunning,” says Melissa — queen of both club bangers and backhanded compliments.

‘Off to a haunting later if ur free after this babes’

Athena comes bearing gifts. In an effort to mend relations with Krissy and Victoria and extend them a metaphorical olive branch, Athena … EXTENDS THEM A LITERAL OLIVE BRANCH.

Look at that face - Nicole JUST realised she forgot her Yummy Mummy apron

“I’m offering a branch of olive, which is a symbolic thing from Athens,” she announces.

Victoria seems just thrilled that she now has to carry a shrub around for the rest of the day:

“Waiter, does this restaurant have a compost bin?”

“I wanted them to see that I was coming from a place of peace and love — but I don’t know if they had the intelligence and the depth to understand it,” says Athena.

Again, Athena: Your metaphorical olive branch was a literal olive branch. Helen Keller woulda picked up the symbolism.

As drinks are poured, the others ask Athena why she goes by the name ‘Athena X’. She doesn’t take this line of questioning well.

“No one ever questioned Malcolm X’s name,” she tells them.

“Who’s Malcolm X?” whispers Krissy.

“Isn’t he a murderer?” asks Nicole.

Just when we thought this lunch couldn’t get any whiter. We are all Matty right now:

We feel u girl.

Before the table can further discuss Malcolm X and all of his terrible murders, Lisa rocks up — dressed head to toe in ‘yes I got the memo but I’ve told you I’m Not Like Other Girls’ black.

“When privileged white people get together dressed in white it’s a bit like the KKK,” she shrugs.

No sooner has Lisa sat down than Krissy’s on her about that Amy Winehouse post: “Talk me through it,” she asks.

“It’s what we call humour noir; it’s a subgenre of comedy,” Lisa tells her. This is a very sophisticated way of explaining that the joke, it was, how you say ... quite crap.

Lisa’s not too fussed if she caused offence, though, declaring herself “the Ozzy Osbourne of Sydney.”

This does at least offer the council a novel solution to the city’s spiralling bat population.

Lisa then helpfully explains to Krissy why she called her ‘Chewbacca’ at last week’s party:

“You are so f**king loud, and nothing comes out, it’s just ‘ARGHHHH!’” she bellows.

Lisa’s Krissy impersonation is very ‘Jackie MacDonald sneezing’

Krissy gives her a tight smile.

“Then I won’t speak for the rest of the lunch, darling, and you have the table.”

We’re only two episodes in, but we’re quickly learning ‘darling’ is Housewives-speak for ‘skankmolewenchbitch’.

At this point, Matty, several drinks in and clearly getting hangry, tries to wrangle the girls, suddenly announcing — and we quote:

“CAN EVERYONE REALLY SHUT UP AND WE ENJOY THIS LUNCH LIKE SERIOUSLY. ALL SHE [gesturing to Athena] TALKS ABOUT IS SPIRITUALITY WHICH I’VE HAD ENOUGH, AND ALL YOU TALK ABOUT IS HER INSTAGRAM, EVERYBODY STOP, LET’S EAT.”

Next time you’re experiencing poor service at a restaurant, we encourage you to scream this, verbatim.

Of course, mention of spirituality is like a red rag to a bull for Athena.

“Maybe YOU should become a bit more spiritual and less FAKE!” she yells across the table, like Einstein and Malcolm X before her.

Athena, vibrating so highly she’s part-Hummingbird

Fake? FAKE? Matty’s furious, which you could tell if her face was still capable of displaying human emotion:

This week, in a very special episode of Westworld

“You know what YOU do, Matty? You say ‘One for me, one for my client!’” Athena cackles, as she mimes self-administering Botox injections.

A hush falls across the table. Diss my house, trash my husband, slag off my privileged flatulent children — but NEVER attack my Botox.

Lisa pls people are fighting this is no time to raise the roof

“ARRRIGHT GUYS I DON’T NEED TO TAKE THIS, I’M GOING. F*K THIS S**T,” Matty yells, storming out — but turning back to hurl a few final insults Athena’s way.

This is A-grade Housewives behaviour, if she had an artificial leg you know she’d be throwing it

“MRS FAKE SPIRITUALITY! YOU’RE NO BUDDHA! YOU’RE NOT A BUDDHA!”

“I never pretended to be a Buddha,” Athena stammers. As Housewives arguments go, this is quite surreal.

Krissy establishes that she’s firmly Team Matty, telling Athena she’s a “nasty person.”

“Krissy,” Athena shoots back, “the kettle turned around and called the pot black.”

Why do all Athena’s pearls of wisdom come out like she’s taking the stage at a poetry slam after sniffing a highlighter?

At the other end of the table, Victoria orders herself another drink, quietly revelling in another Athena meltdown.

“Can we go to McDonalds on the way home?” she says to herself.

“I’m peckish.”

Victoria you absolute stirrer.

Watch the Real Housewives of Sydney every Sunday, 8:30pm on Foxtel’s Arena channel — and visit news.com.au right after each episode for our full recap. In the meantime, chat all things Housewives on Twitter with recapper and Jackie MacDonald impersonator Nick Bond at @bondnickbond.