Real Housewives of Melbourne, season two finale recap: ‘It’s been a nightmare’

EVERYBODY’S yelling! Pettifleur’s 50th birthday party is the setting for an epic showdown between the Housewives — and you won’t believe how Pettifleur upstages them all.

This week, our Housewives say goodbye in the only way they know how: An epic showdown.

EVERYBODY’S yelling! Pettifleur’s 50th birthday party is the setting for an epic showdown between the Housewives — and you won’t believe how Pettifleur upstages them all.

In our season two Real Housewives finale, Gamble battles against Janet, Gina battles against Jackie, and Pettifleur battles against dignity.

Before all that, though, Gamble’s organised a dog race in the park for her friends and their respective pets. Pettifleur doesn’t own a dog, so she’s apparently stolen one. Jackie doesn’t own a dog, so she just … doesn’t turn up. Look, it’s been a long season for all of us, let’s cut her some slack.

Pettifleur’s son and Gamble’s stepson are in attendance though, because what young man DOESN’T want to watch his mum’s middle-aged friends race their overfed pets in public?

“Nah, can’t come out today bro. Racing Shih-Tzu’s with mum again.”

So who wins the race? Surprisingly, it’s not Lydia’s long-suffering greyhound, who we suspected would’ve grabbed the opportunity and run to the nearest Safety House. No, it’s Gamble’s ball of fluff Cash who sprints to the finish line first — supporting this writer’s long-held opinion that Pomeranians are, quite simply, the greatest creatures on earth (for more of these radical fringe views, please subscribe to my newsletter).

Dog race over, Pettifleur’s ready to start organising her own party — she’s holding a grand 50th birthday soiree in her penthouse, and she’s enlisted Chyka to help organise it. Pettifleur has simple demands: firstly, she’d like a ‘winter wonderland’ installed in her foyer, complete with falling snow. Her cake needs to resemble “a stairway that goes up in spirals, but almost in the shape of the Sydney Opera House, with beautiful architecture.”

As Pettifleur drones on about her architectural cake and the need to have a full ecosystem installed in her front room, Chyka looks increasingly worried:

“I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Pettifleur’s concerned about how the other ladies will behave. She says she wants a “drama-free” party, but that she thinks old tensions will “probably explode.” It’s almost like she’s read the call sheet and knows her birthday serves as the climax to the whole season?

Next we’re at Lydia’s house, where she’s breaking in her new kitchen (not like that, filthbags. She did that yonks ago) by cooking a dinner for a few of the other girls — everyone but Gamble and Gina, to be precise.

As they all sit down for their meal, with Lydia’s elderly Italian mother at the table, Janet opts for this friendly ice breaker:

“I don’t know if this is dinner party conversation, but what state do you have to be in to have an erection?”

Generally the ‘male’ state is a good start, Janet.

With that, she’s away, regaling a table full of women who DIDN’T ASK about the wonders of viagra, Cialis and other medications, including a new gel that “only takes 10 minutes and then it’s rock n’ roll.”

“I have become very well-versed in various erection medications and the time that they take to work,” she shrugs, in a ‘What can I say, I’m a busy lady’ way.

Lydia’s happily married mother offers up a question about safe sex: “What is it like waiting for someone to put all the plastic in?” Yes, she means condoms — and apparently she thinks sex involves being stuffed full of them like a prophylactic piñata.

There’s a chef on hand to make the girls a dessert that’s meant to resemble a cigar, but looks a bit more like he’s ‘dropped the kids off at the pool’, if you get my drift:

How thoughtful, it’s been predigested.

Pettifleur starts ferociously fellating her chocolate cigar, while the others egg her on with catcalls about ‘sucking the cream out’. It’s lucky this is the finale, folks, because having taken this screen shot I’m about to go off on extended WorkCover leave:

*Sideshow Bob stepping on a rake noise*

It’s the afternoon of Pettifleur’s party, and she is freaking out. How do we know? Because she yells “I AM FREAKING OUT” at Chyka’s poor party planning assistant no less than six times.

Everything needs to go perfectly, because Pettifleur has a ‘little surprise’ planned for her guests: She’s going to do the Rumba (the dance, not the turn of the century pop musical festival widely considered to be Australia’s own Woodstock).

GUYS SHE IS FREAKING OUT.

It’s party time, and guests begin to stream in. One of the first to arrive, Jackie compliments Pettifleur on her dress — specifically, how great it makes her rack look.

“I was very flattered about the boob comment, because you know what? This girl wears very little underwear … all night, that is.” Pettifleur, you have had eleven episodes to refine your saucy Housewife banter and it still makes literally no sense. It sounds like you’re translating Fifty Shades of Grey from Simlish.

Gamble for one loves the snowfall Pettifleur’s had rigged up at the party entrance: she dubs it the ‘ejaculating forest’. “The forest came all over my face!” she squeals. Oh Gamble, never change.

Gina’s not as keen.

Among the guests at the party is Janet’s friend and occasional Real Housewives Special Guest Star, Manuela.

We love Manuela, but we’re not sure why. It may be due to her uncanny resemblance to Chantoozie and one time Sex/Life host Tottie Goldsmith.

Gamble’s less of a fan — she confesses that Manuela ‘terrifies’ her. “Why is she so aggressive?”

Manuela can obviously smell fear, so she strides over to Gamble, grin plastered on her face.

“How are you, Gamble?” she asks, theatrically over-polite.

Psycho killer, run run run run run run run away.

“I hear that you thought I was a bit aggressive. You find me scary?”

“Umm … No. Yes. You’re a LITTLE bit scary,” Gamble stammers, clearly petrified. We’re quite sure there’s a little bit of wee coming out of her by this point.

Not sure if eyes wide from terror or from new experimental eyelid shaving beauty procedure.

Manuela then starts to weigh in on her pal Janet’s previous feud with Gamble, because as she’s not a series regular she didn’t get the memo that we are ALL SICK OF TALKING ABOUT THAT. Gamble summons up all her courage to cut in:

“All you bitches can do is carry on with a bunch of sh*t about me. F*ck you, seriously f*ck you. Get laid, why don’t you just get laid!”

Is that an offer, Gamble?

She finishes by lobbing this heavily censored delight Manuela’s way: “You f*cking c**t.”

We thought we’d make it to the end of series two without any of the Housewives dropping the c-bomb — thank you, Gamble, for coming through at the 11th hour like this.

Thankfully, they’re interrupted by an even bigger train wreck — Pettifleur’s ready to perform her surprise rumba. As her friends and family look on, she and a male dance partner half her age perform a routine so intimate, it threatens to escalate into full-blown sex at any second. The whole affair finishes with Pettifleur lifting her leg so high up onto her dance partner’s shoulder, her guests all get a fairly thorough look at her Petti Fleur.

“My gyno did say I should have regular Pap smears once I turned 50.”

Pettifleur admits she had even bigger plans for her routine:

“I wanted to lift my dress at the end and say ‘Kiss my arse, bitches.’ I didn’t do it because I didn’t know if my knickers would be up one of my butt cracks.”

Wait. Eleven episodes we’ve waited for Pettifleur to say something interesting and she’s only now telling us she has MORE THAN ONE BUM CRACK?

The spectacle’s not over yet — next, Pettifleur’s son plays a slow, wordless ballad on the piano, while she stands by his side with her eyes closed, swaying, occasionally clicking out of time with the music. All guests are expected to give this bizarre scene their full, undivided attention. Chyka has the only appropriate reaction.

We feel u girl,

With the party back in full swing, (no doubt Pettifleur’s in the next room preparing to jump out of her own cake or shoot herself out of a cannon), Gamble takes Gina aside to ask about the comments she made last week. You’ll remember Gina chose Gamble’s hen’s night to rake over those old ‘stripper’ rumours yet again — an odd move. The pair talk it out, and Gamble decides she’s still Team Gina.

“Despite our recent differences, Gina has really been my only confident (WE THINK SHE MEANS CONFIDANTE) during this series.”

Primed for a fight, Jackie and Janet enter the conversation and get all up in everybody’s grill.

Soon, it’s Jackie and Janet against Gamble and Gina, all hysterically accusing one another of being hysterical. Gamble says Jackie’s psychic abilities are actually voices in her head, and Gina asks Janet if she’d prefer it if she and Gamble just never spoke again. “YES!” Janet screams.

Gina’s had enough. “You two have got your ‘dilated pupils’ look, I’m off, I’m going,” she says, sauntering away.

Jackie tries to alleviate the tension by showing Gamble her solid Robert De Niro impression.

We assume Gina means they’re looking a bit crazily wide-eyed — but it does kinda sound like she’s implying they’ve just dropped their third pinger in preparation for a big day at Stereo, brah.

“Gina’s such a dirty fighter. She throws the bomb that Jackie and I have dilated pupils, and then runs as far as that fat Spanx arse will let her,” fumes Janet.

Jackie tries to follow Gina out onto the balcony to continue the fight, but Gina — whose only other option for avoiding a confrontation at this point would be to swan dive off the balcony and hope her shellacked hair-helmet absorbs the fall — tries her best to hold the door closed.

“F*CK YOU BITCH! OPEN THE DOOR!” Jackie screams.

Imagine that iconic shot of Jack Nicholson breaking his way through the door with an axe in The Shining, only if Jack Nicholson was a professional psychic with his own line of pre-mixed cocktails and a fundamental misunderstanding of the word ‘couture’.

“Heeeeeeere’s Jackie”

“I don’t want to go to a party and have an argument with some random bogan woman,” Gina sighs.

With that, the girls start to file out of Pettifleur’s party, one by one. That’s right, it’s time to wrap up the season. These final scenes always feel a little anticlimactic, don’t they? Next season they should all go to laser tag or paintball or something; mix it up a bit.

“We’ve had a lot of fights, we’ve sorted a lot of them out — but time heals all wombs,” says Lydia, obviously eager to get one last mangling of the English language in before the credits roll.

Let’s give Gamble the final say on season two:

“I feel like the last few weeks have deeply affected me. It’s kind of been like a nightmare played out in real life. Kinda fun!”

Us too, Gamble. Us too.

That was the final proper episode of RHOM season two — but there are still two reunion episodes to go! They’re screening 8:30pm Sundays on Arena, so check back here for our roundup right after they screen.

In the meantime, check in with our recapper Nick Bond, who also has several butt cracks, on Twitter (@bondnickbond).