Real Housewives of Melbourne reunion recap: Gamble’s jaw-dropping insult

MORE explosions during the final Real Housewives episode of 2015. But what did Gamble say to her rival Manuela that made the other Housewives’ jaws drop?

This is how we feel now that RHOM has wrapped for another season. Sad face.

PART one of the reunion show ended with a cliffhanger last week, as Pettifleur stormed off set, accusing her castmates of lying about a fiery encounter she’d previously had with Gina.

And that’s exactly where she’s staying when this episode opens. Wrapped in a dressing gown, Pettifleur sulks at the side of the set, while Lydia tries to coax her back on to the couch.

In the background: two crew members, debating whether they should very slowly very slowly lay on the floor and roll away.

As Pettifleur would have us believe, she and Gina had a recent off-camera altercation that ended in physical and verbal abuse from Gina. Back on planet earth, Jackie fills Alex Perry in on the real story behind this little blow-up.

As Jackie tells it, the girls were chatting when Pettifleur accused Gina of faking her legal credentials, saying she couldn’t possibly be a real barrister because “none of MY friends have ever heard of you.” As you’d expect, Gina basically told her to get f*cked.

Over in sulk corner, Pettifleur angrily denies the allegation that she was tanked when it all went down. “They’re calling me a drunk? I’ve never drunk in my life!”

Jackie: “She was f*cking plastered!”

Gina: “She was walking down the street screaming like a gypsy, she was mad!”

THIS SOUNDS AMAZING. WHY WAS IT NOT FILMED?

Backstage, Lydia’s fast losing interest in trying to coax Pettifleur back on set. “Listen, just … be very strong, and use your … concept, your ‘inner bitch’ thing,” she sighs, as Alex Perry joins the fray, no doubt to offer Pettifleur a further 10% off Specsavers’ already low, low prices if she agrees to rejoin the others.

“Oh Lydia, Alex, this is all I ever asked for: attention”.

Taking her place back on the couch, Pettifleur calls the other women liars and insists she has NEVER EVER HAD A DROP OF ALCOHOL IN HER LIFE and besides she only had TWO DRINKS MAX, MAYBE THREE, COULDA BEEN EIGHT WHO KNOWS LOL YOLO on the night in question.

Next we’re on to the prickly topic of racism — an allegation Pettifleur hurled at Gina more than once this season, accusing her of making fun of her accent.

“30 years I’ve been here and these girls think I have an accent,” Pettifleur fumes.

Gina being Gina, she can’t let that comment slide without muttering a little something under her breath.

Here we go again …

Pettifleur says that sort of ribbing would’ve only acceptable had it OK come from a close friend, to which Gina counters, “We’re not friends because when I met you I actually didn’t like you very much.” #unapologeticbitch

To alleviate the tension, we’re next shown a highlights reel of Jackie’s psychic powers through the season. Jackie’s powers reach into every aspect of this show — so much so that not all of her predictions make it to air. We see that earlier in the season, while accompanying Janet on a speed dating evening, she ‘read the room’, picking out one gentleman in particular:

“This man here [points to man with face blurred so Foxtel don’t have a lawsuit on their hands], no offence to him, but he’s gay.”

“Him, that one there — Homo McBlurface”.

Back on the couch, Jackie gives us an update: “He WAS gay!” HOW DID YOU CONFIRM THIS, JACKIE?

Look, mere moments later, she effortlessly weaves the term ‘throwing shade’ into the conversation, so if anyone on this show can pick a homosexualist from fifty paces, it’d probably be Jackie Gillies, Queen of the House of La Mascara.

Time for one more bit of light entertainment before things get serious again: seems the show’s editors have taken notice of one particular habit of Gina’s. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the Gina Liano Boob Hoist.

That rack is just geographically impossible.

After this, a chill runs through the air. Suddenly it’s always winter — and never Christmas. That’s right: Manuela’s on set. We can only assume this is because she’s being primed for a full-time role in season three. Striding onto the set, she stands, waiting for the others to shuffle down the couch so she can sit near Alex.

“I am not going to the end, I am NOT going to the end,” Lydia yells, clearly not happy that this Special Guest Star is encroaching on main cast territory.

BREAKING: Veteran singer-songwriter Delta Goodrem announces Innocent Eyes 30th anniversary tour.

Alex asks Manuela why she and Gamble butted heads whenever she appeared on the show — but Gamble can answer this one:

“She’s really intense with me, and I think that’s because she feels I’ve got her role on the show. She’s stalking the show. You’re stalking this show. You are.”

Manuela throws her head back and laughs at this accusation. A little too forcefully, if we’re honest.

Gamble then calls Manuela a ‘piece of sh*t’, happily stands by her earlier comment that she’s a c**t’, and finishes with a one-liner she’s surely been practising in the mirror for days:

“Your pussy’s too dry to ride me this hard, Manuela.”

Well. Everyone looks utterly shocked. Janet especially seems despondent, confused, alone.

“I swear to god Manuela I never told her about your dryness issue, that was between us”.

Manuela’s then moved off the couch and taken back to a green room, where she’ll devour an antelope whole. Following this, she will not need to feast again for several weeks.

Next we’re shown a reel of different times through the season when Gina’s stoked various rumours, after which Janet makes quite a reasonable point: Gina accuses her of being a rumour monger all the time, but she’s just as bad herself. Perhaps she’d like to apologise?

As we all know, seeking an apology from Gina Liano is about as pointless as looking for insight in a Pettifleur-penned self-help manual.

Gina starts on a longwinded explanation of her actions — ANYTHING to avoid saying sorry — and Janet just about rolls of the couch in frustration:

Janet approaches her final form as a decorative throw cushion.

“For CHRIST’S SAKE. Just apologise and shut up. Jesus!”

The girls finish their reunion by reflecting on what they’ve learned this season, and you know what? We’d like to do the same. We’re going to miss these ladies for the rest of the year, so let’s send them off with a few awards:

MOST IMPROVED

Chyka, you get yours, girl. You get yours.

Chyka. She’s never been the most exciting of the housewives, and season two threatened to pass in another haze of decorative tea towels and beautifully catered events. Then she started planning Gamble’s hen’s night, and BAM: How Chyka Got Her Groove Back. At this rate, come season three she’ll be Human Centipeding the cast of Magic Mike (would totally watch, tbh).

MOST BREATHTAKINGLY RIDICULOUS OUTFIT

Gamble: “Pettifleur, tell me who did this to you”

Pettifleur emerging for cocktail hour in Manila dressed as a professional ice skater circa 1987 was one of the most incredible moments of the whole season, and her ensuing argument with Gamble saw her insist that she “DOES NOT spend money frivolously” while batting her extravagant diamante headpiece out of her eyes. Incredible.

BEST CATCHPHRASE

One (really long) word: EEEEEEEEVERYBOOOOOOODY. A catchphrase so damn catchy it’s even got its own song (see above).

BEST FIGHT

She’s got a belly full of La Mascara and she’s spoilin’ for a fight.

Any time Gina and Jackie — who somehow, remarkably, are apparently still friends — went head-to-head. I mean, look at this:

Gina: “I’m never talking to you again!”

Jackie: “I’m never talking to YOU again!”

Gina: “F*CK. OFF.”

Jackie: “YOU f*ck off!”

Gina: “You’re an idiot.”

Jackie: “YOU’RE an idiot!”

Poetry.

SCENE-STEALING SUPPORTING CAST MEMBER

“Plastic surgery? Oh no I just drink plenty of water and stay out of the sun.”

Sorry Manuela, we’ve got to give this to Tempest. Ill-advised party tantrums, emergency facelifts, post-operative champagne: This woman is a gem. More next season, please.

BEST HOUSEWIFE REACTION SHOT

*screams internally*

While Jackie in particular served good face all season, it was this cutaway shot of Jackie watching Pettifleur twerk that’s stayed with us. Perfection.

WEIRDEST MOMENT OF THE WHOLE DAMN SEASON

HOW WAS THIS ON TELEVISION, HOW WAS THERE NOT AN INQUEST?

The split-second shot of this woman and her cat at the art gallery party in Sydney. It all happened so quickly we thought it may have been a dream, but no — here it is again. Bring this lady back next season — if her cat lets her out of the house.

Sadly, that was the last episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne for 2015. I know, now we all have to go back to watching basic bitches doing their renovations on The Block, UGH. Until season three fires up in 2016, you can check in with loyal RHOM recapper Nick Bond on Twitter (@bondnickbond), where he drinks too much La Mascara then tweets sage advice on Switching the Bitch.