Real Housewives of Melbourne, episode 9 recap: Gamble’s sex party rumours come back with a vengeance

LONGSTANDING rumours about Real Housewives of Melbourne star Gamble’s sex party past rear their head with allegations about raunchy private photos.

Oh Gamble, you’ve given us so much this season.

THE longstanding rumours about Gamble’s sex party past rear their head this week with allegations about raunchy private photos. And what has Gina done to anger all the other housewives?

After the disastrous Philippines trip in last week’s episode (in case you missed it: everybody told each other to get f*cked, then had a massage), Jackie’s back at home with husband Ben, where she fills him in on the gory details of her massive slanging match with Gina.

She’s a vivid storyteller, recreating some of her more colourful hand gestures from the argument:

See, in Newcastle, this just means ‘You’re looking lovely today’

“Maybe, Jacks, because you’re so forward and honest, it can be quite confronting for some people. But I mean I, I love it,” Ben says. EXCELLENT save.

With that, Ben calls Jackie his “little sexy butterbean,” then macks on with her for the benefit of home viewers. We trust the camera crew called their union to discuss their workplace rights as soon as filming wrapped on this scene.

And you thought the Drake and Madonna kiss was uncomfortable viewing.

Next we’re at Lydia’s house, which she’s just thoroughly redecorated. She’s having Chyka around for the first proper look, because the mother hen and homewares queen THRIVES on this sort of thing.

“Oh my goodness, look at this! This is so exciting,” she gushes before she’s even walked in the door. Chyka, last time we saw you this excited, you were sucking whipped cream off a male stripper’s nipple. #neverforget

She heads straight for the kitchen, and there’s one detail in particular she’s stuck on — Lydia’s had TWO dishwashers installed.

“I don’t have time to wait until the dishwasher finishes. I just Don’t. Have. Time,” Lydia insists. God, can’t she just eat things over the sink with her hands like the rest of us?

Think two dishwashers is a needless extravagance? Wow, you must’ve gone to a really crap school because, as Chyka explains, some people she knows have four dishwashers: “Two in their kitchen and two in their butler’s pantry.”

That’s nothing babes, I’ve got eight. Sixteen, actually. Thirty-two, tbh. MY SMALL RENTED FLAT IS CRAMMED WITH SIXTY-FOUR DISHWASHERS AND I AM LOVING LIFE.

“OMG LOLZ I’M SO UNSPEAKABLY WEALTHY”

Next, the girls head to the launch of Janet’s new tea range. Janet’s playing the proud mum, as the tea business is a charity venture she’s undertaken with her son Jake, who was burned in a fire more than a year ago and was in dire need of a project to help get his confidence back. It’s moments like this that make us realise it’d be pretty cool having Janet as your mum — if only because you’d have around-the-clock access to her now iconic ‘Eeeeeeverybody’ helicopter arm gesture.

Janet’s hairdresser is also at the launch, and he’s wearing the same expression as every civilian on this show when surrounded by two or more Housewives at once — bewilderment with just a hint of terror:

Meanwhile, what did Jackie’s breasts do to surprise her so?

BFFs Gina and Gamble arrive together, dressed almost identically. We’re just gonna say it — we are shipping these two something shocking. Do you think they’ll finally pash in the finale?

Careful with this one Gina — we’ve seen Single White Female.

There’s a surprise guest at Janet’s tea launch: Carlos. Remember him? Janet’s old pal, the pig-owning Lothario from episode one? Gamble sure does. Despite the fact they’ve never met, he’s apparently the source of all those rumours about Gamble working on a sex farm for sex hookers, or something.

As soon as Carlos introduces himself to the Housewives, Gamble begins angrily interrogating him, as Gina supervises. The poor guy splutters, stammers and just generally wishes he was anywhere else in the world (preferably with his porcine companion).

“I heard [the rumour] from a reliable source, a mutual friend of ours … I’m not going to say his name,” he says, shifting nervously.

Gina, best to reapply your lip gloss AFTER you’ve devoured your prey.

Gamble demands that he take back what he’s been saying about her, repeatedly insisting she’s never hosted a sex party in her life.

His response? “Look, to be honest with you … I saw the photos, alright?”

PLOT TWIST.

Pressed further, Carlos says that his anonymous ‘friend’ showed him some pictures he’d taken of Gamble on his phone after he’d returned from a ‘big weekend’ at her house. At this, Gina steps in to berate him Judge Judy-style, until finally, he backtracks: The pictures he saw were actually of Gamble fully clothed, with nothing untoward happening. He’s just going off his mate’s word about any alleged ‘special cuddles’ that went on.

“So he’s seen a photo of me fully clothed and heard a story from a friend. Yeah, real big sex party that was,” says Gamble.

So that’s that, right? Not quite. Out of earshot, Janet tells us that Carlos “really did gild the lily” about the true nature of the photographs he saw, in a desperate attempt to keep the peace. Hmm.

Elsewhere at the event, Lydia corners Pettifleur for a heart-to-heart about what’s become a sticking point in this series — her accent.

“Pettifleur’s got a beautiful, sexy voice-accent [Yes, she says ‘voice-accent’]. It’s a Mediterranean … NO. Pettifleur’s accent is … not an Aussie accent.”

Somebody get this woman a seat on the UN.

As the endless merry-go-round of Real Housewife product launches continues, in the next scene we’re at party for Gina to preview her new shoe range. As you can imagine, it’s an understated collection:

She pats them with such motherly affection.

Turns out, Gina’s named a shoe from the collection after each of her castmates. Given the other Housewives weren’t consulted, or even informed, before having their names attached to her product, most of them have a rather muted response to the news, who suspect it’s more of a money-making move than a friendly gesture.

You’ll never guess who LOVES having a Gina Liano shoe named after her, though: Gamble. Whodathunkit.

Trying on a pair and strutting around the launch party, she announces: “I’m Gina Liano, let me solve the case for you!”

She knows lawyers don’t technically SOLVE cases, right? Or does Gamble think her friend is some sort of crime-fighting super detective, ala Inspector Gadget or Scooby Doo?

As the evening wears on, Gamble and her fiance Rick then bust out some awkward dance moves in the middle of the room, as those around them ignore their attempts to Get the Party Started. Rick’s dancing in particular has more than a hint of ‘Elaine from Seinfeld’ to it:

“Ayyyyyyy Macarena”

The following day, we’re back home at Gamble’s, where things have gotten aaaaall Death Becomes Her up in here: she’s housing her sister Tempest while she recovers from drastic cosmetic surgery.

“Good morning, I’ve brought you some breakfast,” Gamble says, handing her sister a full glass of champagne.

Tempest says she’s feeling “surprisingly good” post-surgery, but maybe her new face needs time to settle because once she takes her dark sunglasses off, she just sort of stares off into the middle distance without focusing on anything, like a newborn:

“Legal blindness is a small price to pay for a face as smooth as a freshly boiled egg”

“Tempest’s surgery was $50,000, so for $5,000 a year for the next ten years that you’re going to look good, I think it’s worth it,” says Gamble.

Wait. What happens at the ten-year mark? Will the new face then reject its host and liquefy? Will it just start rotting away like a discarded mandarin skin? Answers please, Dolly Doctor.

Another scene, another Housewife product launch (if it weren’t for the occasional c-bombs, we’d think we were watching Danoz Direct): Next it’s Jackie and Ben’s garden party, where they’re announcing the new face of La Mascara. Held in the gardens of Ripponlea House, it’s a classy affair with a pin-up girl dresscode, dashing waiters and models playing badminton.

However, most of the Housewives are stuck on one topic: The fact that they now have Gina Liano stripper heels named after them, without their consent. Even Chyka’s unimpressed at the way Gina’s gone about it — but it’s Janet who delivers the angriest diatribe:

“Who wears a sparkly shoe like that? I wouldn’t. I didn’t care if she named a shoe after me, but I want a good shoe! I don’’t want the ugly shoe! Why do I always get the Nanna shoe! I don’t wear those shoes! That’s not my shoe! I don’t want that shoe!”

We’re sensing that Janet has some deep-seated childhood trauma involving shoes. Perhaps her father was an emotionally withholding cobbler?

Shout out here to Pettifleur who, apparently feeling the shame after her bizarre professional ice skater outfit in last week’s episode, this week decides to lay low by disguising herself as a pavlova:

Once you’ve switched the bitch, the only thing left is to put a doily on it.

As the party wears on, Jackie tries to set Janet up with one of the promotional models she’s hired to play badminton — a strapping young guy in barely-there tennis shorts who looks all of about, ooh, 22 years old.

As she spies him from across the garden, Janet delivers a bizarre stream of consciousness sex-rant so unbelievable we had to replay it four times just to make sure we weren’t hallucinating:

“I’m thinking heavy lifting if you don’t mind! I have to tell you that is my thing. Chasing, spanking, sometimes he’s all different animals, my favourite is the gorilla. Nice strong legs!”

WHAT? Surely this is one of the warning signs of a stroke.

As Jackie introduces the pair, Janet initiates Cougar Mode and immediately leaps into the poor unsuspecting guy’s arms.

“Now take me back to yours!” “OK but mum’s not picking me up for another hour”

Looking on, Gamble gives her thoughts about the blossoming romance/sexual assault:

“Oh, OK, I’m just gonna go throw up somewhere.”

Across the lawn, Chyka and Pettifleur confront Gina about this whole shoe business. Pettifleur suggests she rename her shoe to ‘Honey Dip’. Gina politely declines — she’d prefer it if none of the shoes in her range shared a name with a sauce you’d buy at KFC for 75 cents.

“Then call it Black Bitch! It’ll sell,” comes Pettifleur’s response. Yeesh.

After they’ve announced the winner of the model search, Jackie then leaves her own party early via helicopter, because she has somewhere better to be.

Visit the castle or fly in the sky! Wobbies World, Springvale Road, Nunawading.

It’s an odd move, but we’ve got to admit it’s pretty badass, a bit like when Romy & Michele triumphantly leave their high school reunion in Sandy Frink’s chopper. There’s only one problem — once up in the air, Jackie realises she’s still got the car keys.

So she directs the chopper back towards the ground and piffs the keys on to the lawn so that International Rock Star Ben Gillies doesn’t have to get the Nightrider home. INCREDIBLE.

Next week: Pettifleur launches her Switch the Bitch book, Gamble’s hen’s party kicks off and — most shocking of all — GINA TRIES OUT A DIFFERENT HAIRSTYLE.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel. Check back straight after each episode airs for our full recap — and in the mean time, check in with our recapper Nick Bond on Twitter (@bondnickbond) — but only if you have more than one dishwasher, please.