Real Housewives’ bizarre ‘intervention’ goes horribly wrong
THE bad girls of Real Housewives, Lisa and Athena, have a daring plan to take down their arch-rival in this week’s episode. It doesn’t end well.
THE ladies of The Real Housewives of Sydney are finally home from their two-episode Singapore jaunt this week — presumably barred from ever returning to the country after all those public spats.
Athena sits down with her long-suffering husband Panos to debrief about the trip and, even though she spent most of the last episode feuding with bestie Lisa, it’s arch-nemesis Victoria she’s still hung up on.
“She’s a real entitled, ungrateful woman,” she tells him.
“She’s … pretty weathered. The first time I saw her, I actually thought she was a retired tennis player. You know how they get all wrinkly and a bit … brown?”
Move over ‘pain sack’, we have a new winner for most bizarre Athena sledge of the season.
Nicole’s busy this week organising a charity food truck fair, with all the other ladies invited. This is a Very Big Deal to Nicole, who insists that plonking a few takeaway food vans in a park will make for “an event that’s very, very different to anything anyone has ever seen.”
While we’re on Nicole, can we take a moment to clock her to-camera look this episode please? What kind of Stepford Wife does Coachella realness?
The parties come thick and fast this week, with Matty launching her latest beauty product: An anti-ageing pillow. Is it stuffed with Botox? Oversleep and you’ll wake up a foetus.
“Sleep lines are an issue for a lot of my clients … we can’t really resolve it with toxins. This pillow has contouring in it that supports your neck in a way to reduce the pressure from your skin,” she explains, inadvertently channelling Kristen Wiig’s scene-stealing turn in Zoolander 2.
The glorious Christa Billich is in attendance at the launch, sharing a glass of champagne with her pet Pomeranian (someone’s going to get worms) and looking as glamorously bewildered as ever.
There are also ACTUAL CUTE WAITERS working the party, so of course Krissy flirts up a storm — and it’s not long before Lisa’s so worked up you sense she wants to jab a biro into her own thigh just to channel the rage.
“This is TYPICAL Krissy behaviour,” she seethes. “And the Academy Award for the biggest slut goes to: Krissy Marsh!”
Not to get all Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty on your arse, Lisa, but I’d say there’s been a mix-up with the envelope:
Yep, Lisa bought her own pair of leather handcuffs and she’s over-clothes bumming a topless waiter, emitting a cacophony of dolphin-like squeals as she grains on that wood.
We’d call her a “big slut” but THAT’S. NOT. ACTUALLY. OK.
Matty gives a heartfelt speech to the partygoers, paying special tribute to her partner Michael. “He supports me in anything I want … it brings tears to my eyes,” she says, her immobile face showing absolutely no sign of precipitation.
Just as Matty’s finishing the speech, Athena lurches forth from the crowd and grabs the mic. Oh god. What is this, a Housewife rap battle? What even rhymes with ‘Captain Eyebrows’?
Athena produces a present for Matty from her handbag. It’s a tiny little pillow containing, she insists, “fragments of the Holy Cross where Jesus was crucified.”
We have so many questions here. How did Athena come to be in possession of fragments of the actual cross used in Jesus’ crucifixion? Did she crucify Jesus in one of her past lives? Or was she in fact Jesus Christ himself in a past life?
And while we’re at it, what if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us???
Special shout out to Matty’s partner Michael, who does all you can when someone commandeers a hot mic at an anti-wrinkle pillow party to produce physical evidence of Christ’s crucifixion: Mug at the camera, David Brent-style.
With Athena having irrefutably proven Christ’s existence, she and Lisa can return to their favourite topic: Victoria, general awfulness of.
They’re trying to get Krissy on side — a bold (read: dumb) move, seeing as Krissy and Victoria’s friendship appears to be the most genuine and long-lasting connection on the show.
After a few instances of Victoria skipping out on group activities to do her own thing, Athena and Lisa are clear: The Housewives must all band together to stage an ‘intervention’ (read: public humiliation).
Krissy’s not having a bar of it.
Next we’re at Lisa’s house, where she and husband David are sitting down for a televised marriage counselling session, because why not?
They start with rictus grins affixed to their faces, speaking in sugary sweet tones — proving that the only thing harder to watch than Lisa and David Oldfield being horrible to each other is Lisa and David Oldfield being nice to each other.
Once David starts speaking, though, Lisa just stares off into the distance looking forlorn. This is, it should be noted, a very common reaction to hearing David Oldfield speak.
David’s totally committed to counselling — so long as the counsellor declares the breakdown of the relationship to be entirely Lisa’s fault.
“I’m not a totally blameless person ... Well, these days I probably am. I don’t think there’s anything that I do or don’t do that is actually causing issues for Lisa,” he says.
Lisa says she feels unappreciated, that her efforts as a working mum are ignored. He scoffs.
“Realistically, you’re NOT a working mum — don’t try and draw some sympathy on that. You do your job; nothing else is asked of you beyond that.”
Lisa makes a surprising admission — three or four nights a week, she stops at a nearby pub on the way home from work, downing a few wines just so she can delay having to re-enter the family home.
This is bleak stuff, guys, but coincidentally it’s also how I steel myself before watching this show.
Finally this week we’re at Nicole’s food truck event, which she insists is a complete sellout — despite the fact that the sweeping aerial footage makes it look about as sparsely attended as Trump’s inauguration:
Victoria’s the last to arrive at the event, and Lisa and Athena are already planning their ‘intervention’ while Krissy tries her best to keep them at bay.
Victoria rocks up with a smile on her face and a hug and a kiss for all. Athena’s instantly fuming at this behaviour: Victoria’s “overly happy WITHOUT a cause.” Lock her up!
Melissa busts out a few songs at the event backed only with an acoustic guitar, because when you want someone to perform some earnest folk music obviously you book the woman who gifted Sexy (Is the Word) to mankind.
“Usually I’m performing at about 2am in a nightclub,” says Melissa, for what may be the 100th time this season (see also: Her constant references to “longevity in the industry”).
Athena says she “wasn’t a fan” of Melissa’s work before seeing her live, but describes her performance as “actually quite refreshing.” Athena, she’s a singer, not a Fisherman’s Friend.
And Athena being Athena, even her compliments turn shady.
“She’s actually good, I can see her singing in … pubs and venues like that,” she announces with a knowing smirk.
Well Athena, we can see your paintings hanging in ... pubs and venues like that.
Melissa’s set finished, it’s time for the headline act: Lisa and Athena’s attempt at an ‘intervention’.
As soon as they start up, Victoria’s eyes glaze over. Her game plan is clear: Just smile politely and let this torrent of crazy wash over her.
The pair try to pit Victoria against Krissy, claiming Krissy’s been bitching about how horrified she is at her best friend’s behaviour.
“Whatever she said, I’m OK with. I know she wouldn’t have said anything too bad,” Victoria says, beatific smile plastered across her face.
The lack of reaction is infuriating Lisa. “KRISSY WANTED AN INTERVENTION. YES SHE DID. STOP BACK-PEDALLING KRISSY. STOP IT.”
As the voices raise around her, Victoria just keeps on grinnin’:
Privately, though, she’s still got that Victoria bite:
“I don’t believe for one minute that Krissy said I needed an intervention. Lisa Oldfield lives on another planet – she’s in the fifth dimension with the other idiot. I need an intervention cos I didn’t go to dinner? I’ve never heard anything so stupid in my whole life.”
As Lisa and Athena bleat on about their goddamn intervention, Victoria tries another tack: Distract the hyenas with food.
“I’M GETTING ANOTHER TACO! Do you want a taco, darling? Are you right for a taco? I’m getting a taco, byeeee!”
They continue to scream at her, teeth bared, as she trots off towards a food truck.
Athena says she’s not surprised Victoria’s walking away from the confrontation: She doesn’t have the “emotional intelligence” to fight them.
Bless you, Melissa, for this perfect reaction shot:
With Victoria gone, Lisa and Athena turn their attention to Krissy, demanding to know why she didn’t support that damp squib of an intervention.
“An intervention? What is she, an alcoholic? A drug addict?” asks Krissy, to which Lisa responds — her voice about 10 decibels higher — “YOU CAN’T LIE STRAIGHT IN BED, FOR F**KS SAKE!”
Krissy walks away in disgust, leaving Lisa to theatrically announce that any possible friendship she may have had with Victoria or Krissy is now OVER. This is the Housewives equivalent of quitting after you’ve just been fired.
It; s not shown on camera, but you just know somewhere on the other side of the park, Victoria’s really enjoying that taco.
Next week: Athena hosts a dinner complete with a big ‘Oprah moment’, the ladies attend some sort of dog wedding, then Matty and Lisa have a scrag fight while horrified drag queens look on. AMAZING.
The Real Housewives of Sydney screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel — check back here after each episode airs for our full recap. In the meantime, chat all things RHOS with recapper and revoltingly weathered retired tennis player Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.
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