Meet the first group of couples vying for the MKR trophy in 2017

MKR wouldn’t be back without a couple of villains in the first episode. And brother and sister duo Amy and Tyson didn’t disappoint.

YESSSS, MKR has started, chucking its reality TV shrimp on the new year ratings-period barbie.

It’s very difficult to just watch one episode of this show, making it the television equivalent of grapes or popcorn — except it doesn’t take months to finish a bag of grapes.

But at this early instant restaurant stage, it’s not food that makes us watch. Before we even think about getting interested in a dehydrated beetroot soil, we’re in it for the obvious stereotypes.

We want personalities to pigeonhole, because that’s where the drama lies and, even just based on the first episode, it looks like series eight has no shortage of them.

THE BEAUTIFUL TASSIE PRODUCE

The first instant restaurant happens in Tasmania, featuring beautiful Tassie produce and the word “Tassie” roughly every four and a half minutes.

Even Damo and Caz, the hosts of the debut, are listed as the ‘Tassie sweethearts’, when nobody else seems to have their state in their label. It’s actually against the law in Tasmania to mention any cooking ingredient without putting the words ‘beautiful Tassie’ in front of it.

Beautiful one day, produce the next.

THE BLOKEY BLOKES

“Tim and I definitely bonded over our love of beer, beards, and food”, says the extremely masculine Kyle from somewhere under his thatch of face-testosterone.

Kyle is the kind of guy where if you bought him at Bunnings, you’d have to drive around to the loading dock and get help putting him in your car.

These blokes are there to make eyes at the ladies, finish other people’s meals, and get into tense arguments about the best way to cook a bloody steak, mate.

This is the face you give to beardless guys who cuvee steaks.

THE GIRLY GIRLS

Bek and Ash hope to lure eligible men into their floral, kiss-blowing lady lair using food.

“We live in hope that we’ll find our dream men” announces Bek. “The dream is we go on MKR, we meet two single men, win MKR, and then we’ll get married” she continues, giving Channel 7 an idea for a completely original new show called The Spachelor.

By the end of their introduction, we know very little about the food Bek and Ash like to cook, but a lot about how skilled they are at flirting. At this stage they have a long way to go to pass both the Bechdel and Bechamel tests.

Wheeeee! Puppies and rainbows and probably cupcakes.

THE EDGY HIPSTERS

Steering away from the stereotype that more racist viewers will no doubt fixate on, as soon as tattooed Betty tells us her day job is “social media influencer” and she’s shown getting new ink with her bestie David, we get the hint that these are the cool guys.

When David and Betty talk to camera they like to say “hashtag” while doing the hashtag hand symbol, and we all know that’s about as contemporary as you can get. We also get a bit of a hint that these are the really-good-at-cooking guys, but hashtag time will hashtag tell.

We’re not hipsters, this is just a regular rooftop hibachi party.

THE RITZY OLD BOILERS

Midwives Karen and Ros, labelled by the Blokey Blokes Tim & Kyle as “a coupla cougars” are the stereotypical glitzy motherly cacklers, occasionally seen down the gym in leopard-print Lycra.

Perhaps less stereotypical is their promise to make placenta paté, but generally speaking this is the team that became home cooks to feed their families, and now that their children are grown it’s their time to shine. And possibly to ship Kyle and Bek, and discuss childbirth at the dinner table, and check you haven’t left the house without a hanky.

I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.

THE VILLAINS

Brother and sister team Amy and Tyson have adorable nicknames for each other: he’s “angry, angry man” and she’s “bitch”. There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that we’re meant to pick these two as the group one villains, as they curl their lips at every one of Damo and Caz’s sort-of-alright dishes, uniformly labelling them as “disappointing”.

“I’ll be fine if there’s no morons” says Tyson of his hopes for the future, something nobody likeable has ever said.

The only endearing thing about Amy and Tyson so far is their earnest need to be labelled as the bad guys. Tyson tells us he’s “confident verging on arrogant” with respect to his palate, and he may also be confident that a large contingent of the television-watching public is being encouraged to want him to fail.

This is Tyson’s disappointed face. Get used to it.

Sure, there was also some truffle and cauliflower soup, overcooked steak, and borderline-edible apple crumble cheesecake in the first episode, but the food at this point only serves as a garnish for the dramatic casserole. In television cooking competitions, there can be no confit without conflict.

And no truffle without kerfuffle.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely