Married At First Sight: Cruel taunts before Jack and Tori’s Gold Coast sex romp

A MAFS wife is blasted with a spray of offensive insults. It ends in a bedroom where more trouble is sparked. James Weir recaps.

A Married At First Sight wife is called a latte-sipping Melbourne wanker during a bizarre round of foreplay before a sex romp on the Gold Coast that leaves us stunned because these are not the kind of bedroom tips we recall ever reading about in Cosmopolitan magazine.

This wife knows her Fifty Shades Of Grey-loving husband is into dirty talk. But being called a basic bitch by some random woman her husband trains at the gym?

Not exactly what she had in mind.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

We’re still on excursion at the home visits and find ourselves sauntering around the Gold Coast as Jack introduces Tori to all the glitz and glamour of the glitter strip.

“Ya seen Ripley’s Believe It Or Not before?” he points to the novelty attraction as they walk through the mall.

No, we haven’t Jack. Have you seen a pair of shorts that fit properly?

The important questions.

The smell of sunscreen and fried meat clouds the air. Tori’s thoughts are also polluted. Since Sunday’s commitment ceremony, she has been slowly coming to the realisation that Jack maybe — just maybe — might not be as into the relationship as he says he is.

They come to a halt on Cavill Ave and look up at the sky. Across the street, a giant sling shot ride catapults some tourists into the air. For a second, Tori wonders if the ride has the power to fling her into outer space, far away from her husband.

A girl can dream.

They’re heading to lunch with two clients Jack trains at the gym. Why have friends when you can surround yourself with people who pay you to criticise them?

Lizz (sic) asks Tori if she’s worried that Jack mainly hangs out with chicks.

Tori shrugs.

“I have a lot of male friends,” she says. “I’ve always been one of the boys.”

This puts Lizz in a tizz.

“I’m concerned by that,” she snips. “When I come across a girl who only has guy friends, it’s usually because they’re sleeping with all the boys.”

Apparently the same logic doesn’t apply to Jack.

Lizz, who has been expertly briefed by producers to be the villainous lunch companion, continues to fire passive aggressive barbs at Tori. She picks apart the wedding ceremony vows where Tori mentioned her coffee order.

“I feel like anyone who makes their coffee order their personality is not my kind of person,” Lizz zings. “You’re from Melbourne, right? Like, coffee wankers. I got the impression you’re basic.”

Tori’s too offended to hit back at this meter maid with offensive generalisations about people who live on the Gold Coast. That would simply be too easy.

“I love Melbourne and I would never be treated like this back home,” she says.

She desperately needs to get back to Victoria’s capital to main line the city’s supply of wanky coffee just so she can finally wake the hell up and realise she needs to dump Jack, who’s sitting silently at the table as his clients insult his wife.

The main course is over. And for dessert, Lizz offers up more zingerzzz.

“You’ve been single for a while,” she sighs to Tori. “And Jack’s got a six-pack.”

Lizz hazz opinionzz azz bold azz her browzz.

Thankzz Lizz.

Later on, over dinner, Tori asks Jack how he sees their relationship playing out after the experiment. She suggests long distance. He loves the sound of that, only if he never has to travel to see her.

“It’s not practical to get on a plane every Friday — I work Monday to Saturday,” he declares.

Yeah, Tori. Show some respect for the high-octane life of a Gold Coast personal trainer.

As a busy PT, life is a literal and metaphorical treadmill.

“You sound, like, hellbent on it,” Jack squints at his wife, irritated by her unrealistic ideas about wanting to actually see and spend time with the person she’s dating. “You LOOK hellbent on it. You might just have to miss me a little bit more.”

In a desperate attempt to distract Tori from this conversation about their future, he throws a curve ball and starts to flirt — something she has wanted for weeks but never received.

“Did I mention how hot you look?” he licks his lips. “You’re giving me Mr and Mrs Smith vibes.”

What a romantic reference to a movie that follows two married assassins as they try to kill each other.

Tori gets excited. Finally! He’s trying to seduce her. Just like that, she forgets all about the topic of long distance. The spray of insults and taunts over lunch and dinner have just been foreplay.

“I can take her home right now. I got plans tonight. I wanna go home and keep the party alive,” Jack teases.

So, do they have sex?

Sounds like a stunt that should take place down the road at Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir