MAFS sex beast rejects wife in bedroom

A “kinky” MAFS groom details his horniness on national TV only to declare his new wife is not up to snuff. James Weir recaps.

A sex beast with a topknot rejects his wife in the bedroom on Tuesday’s Married At First Sight after seemingly being exposed as a Nigel no-friends at his own wedding.

The only thing more shocking than having your new always-horny husband declare he’s just not horny for you? Opening the refrigerator to find a dead crow.

It’s a real “choose your own adventure” tonight.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:MAFS episode 1

The beginning of a new relationship can be both exciting and terrifying. Despite wanting to find love, the inherent challenges can stop some people from ever beginning the quest. The scariest thing of all?

“The shitter. We’ve gotta share … a toilet? That is not sexy to me.”

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Lucinda Light – Byron Bay hippie in search of peace, love and separate bathrooms.

“I’m as earthy as I am spiritual as I am just a bogan,” she says.

Lucinda isn’t your traditional Byron hippie. She’s a modern-day Byron hippie. She’ll use words like “transcendence”, buy all the crystals and lower her tone several octaves to sound like the voiceover of a guided meditation podcast. And she’ll also wear a $600 outfit to go get her hair done at the salon. Life: it’s all about balance.

We’re enchanted to bask in your spirit, doll.

We could spend all day watching Lucinda Light do even the most mundane tasks. For instance, here she is sipping a magic elixir from a really tiny cup:

Stunning.

Watch as she pirouettes on the beach at dawn:

Spin like a white-winged dove!

Oh, look! Now she’s writing out ingredients for a new potion in a leather-bound spell book with her feather quill:

Bewitching.

She’s matched with Timothy – a down-on-his-luck guy with a tragic family backstory. Their wedding is a majestic affair filled with macramé, fragrant incense and earthiness. Timothy cocks an eyebrow.

“I’m getting the sense she’s a spiritual-energy kinda person,” he winces.

Huh. What gave you that impression?

“I give you permission to gently unravel all the parts of me,” Lucinda coos to her new husband in her vows. “I’m a servant, a steward, of love and light. I’m here to nurture. And to dazzle.”

Dazzle away, Lucinda Light. Dazzle away.

We bet all our money she has Stevie Nicks lyrics tattooed somewhere on her body.

While Lucinda and Timothy’s wedding is one of earthiness, the ceremony for our next couple Jack and Tori is one of … horniness.

“I’m very sexually active. I’m a dominant lover,” declares Jack, a personal trainer from the Gold Coast.

Thanks for sharing! We didn’t ask.

“(I’m) Definitely not vanilla when it comes to the bedroom,” he continues. “What’s the freakiest flavour? I’d have chocolate, banana, sprinkle it with sprinkles and I’d put it in the microwave and melt it down.”

In the bedroom, it’s important not to yuck someone else’s yum. But Jack’s concoction sounds like a lactose nightmare.

“Typically I’m attracted to a submissive type,” he adds.

Kinda surprised producers don’t show B-roll footage of him at Bunnings buying lots of rope.

He’s matched with Tori and the experts excitedly describe the pair as “highly sexually driven individuals”. The only problem? They’re both self-described alphas. Uh-oh! This is not gonna work if they’re both wanting to be the one wielding the spanking paddle.

Jack starts worrying and pledges to remain top dog.

“I definitely wanna play that dominant role to Tori and there might be a bit of a power struggle, maybe. But I just feel like … she’s gonna be a good girl.”

E.L. James should receive a writing credit on tonight’s episode.

For his vows, Jack just quotes directly from a passage in 50 Shades Of Grey.

At the reception, Tori points to all her friends and family members seated around the room and explains how important they are to her. Then it’s Jack’s turn. The PT points to a random woman.

“So … this is my client … she just had a baby,” he says. “And then the woman over **there is my client.”

He nods to a different chick. “She’s a client.”

A random couple waves at him. “Deborah and Todd … they’re clients.”

And his groomsmen? “Clients as well.”

Tori’s BFF Lea addresses the elephant in the room: Is Jack a Nigel no-friends?

Lea knows what’s up.

She tells Tori her theory: that Jack only surrounds himself with people who pay him an hourly rate.

“There’s something – I can feel it in my f**king bones,” she says of her suspicions about what secrets Jack is hiding. “It could be something like a misogynistic thing.”

Oh, c’mon! As if the experts would ever pair a bride with a man who possesses the qualities of a misogynis-

“She’s younger than me, I like that. Makes me feel like I’ve got something to do – like, lead someone the right way,” Jack grunts to his parents.

Someone better yank his man bun.

Meanwhile, up in the coastal hinterland, Timothy is in the process of being enlightened by Lucinda’s hippie friends.

“So do you like birds?” asks a particularly witchy woman.

She’s wearing a necklace adorned with a chunky carved bird pendant. It matches her bird earrings. She’s really into birds.

Tim says he has a tattoo of wings on his back.

“So it wouldn’t be past your repertoire to take a wing from a dead bird?” asks the witch.

Tim doesn’t respond. He just stares. The witch continues.

“I have two magpie wings. And I have a whole crow in my freezer at the moment,” she smiles.

Timothy widens his eyes. “ … Wow?”

The witch smiles knowingly. No explanation is given for how she came into possession of several broken wings or why there is a whole dead crow in her Kelvinator.

Just moments later, she sprouts wings and flies away.

Across the ocean, our horny couple are enjoying their honeymoon in Vanuatu. Tori is totally diggin’ Jack. In her mind, she has hit the jackpot and she can’t wait until Jack … hits her … pot?

“There’s definitely a sexual energy there – and sexual chemistry is super important to me,” she tells us.

In some artful editing, the producers decide to do a flashback to Jack’s audition tape. The footage shows him getting interviewed. It’s revealed he compared himself to “a combination of Tarzan and Christian Grey” on his MAFS application.

We immediately turn 50 shades of ew.

“I have quite a sexual appetite. Quite kinky,” he tells the producer. “And I can tell within 10 seconds if I’m gonna be physical with this girl. And I know if I have that, (and) I’m physically attracted (then) the sex is gonna be there and I can just keep growing on that connection.”

Uh-oh. We know exactly where this is heading. Producers do it every year. We’re ramping up to a big awkward explosion where Tori thinks they’re super compatible but Jack is completely turned off.

Flash forward to Vanuatu.

“All is well in the land of Tori and Jack,” Tori gushes to us.

Ah, Jack? Any thoughts?

“There’s no sexual sparks flying for me at the moment,” he grunts to us. “I don’t think we’re … well, we’re not sexually connected at all. I’ve got a pretty high sex drive. I need to be invested in the girl. I need to be connected. If I’m not, I’d rather be by myself.”

Huh. When Tori finds out, Jack will be a dead man. Better make some room next to the dead crow in the refrigerator.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir