James Weir recaps Married At First Sight Australia 2023 finale

Candid footage is aired during the MAFS finale, revealing unheard details about one of the show’s biggest scandals. James Weir recaps.

One husband is exposed in secretly filmed footage that’s aired during the Married At First Sight finale on Monday night as producers hose the remaining drops of putrid bin juice out of the dumpster that is this program.

After enduring multiple episodes dedicated to final vows and a final dinner party, we’ve finally reached the actual finale. And it’s as pointless as … well, going on Married At First Sight to find love.

Everyone is locked in the warehouse one last time and the experts wheel out a jumbotron to replay best-of footage of this season’s worst mistakes. Unlike The Biggest Loser finale, where the contestants unveil their positive transformations, the MAFS finale is all about taunting the freaks for somehow winding up worse off than when we found them.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here

The headline act tonight is Dan and Sandy. Their marriage is exhumed from whatever gravesite it was buried in weeks ago and re-examined because the results of its autopsy were apparently inconclusive.

“Well, the three of us are incredibly disappointed,” expert Mel Schilling sighs.

She’s talking specifically about Dan and Sandy’s failed relationship, but it applies to how we feel about this series in general.

Maybe you three should pivot into podiatry?

Aiken brings up the boys’ night butt-dial call that exposed Dan’s true feelings about Sandy.

“Let’s take a moment to examine that in greater depth,” he says, throwing to a supercut of video clips on the jumbotron.

Aiken, no. When it comes to this show and butts, we don’t wish to examine anything in greater depth.

Suddenly, Hugo appears on the jumbotron. Remember Hugo? Producers paired him with Tayla as a joke and he quit 72-hours later, in tears.

Anyway, he was still in the experiment when the butt-dial vibrated through Trash Tower. And the rough footage shows him standing off to the side of a dimly lit room, waiting to film one of those general vox pop interviews the freaks regularly have to do. But the interview hasn’t officially started yet and Hugo is ranting to a producer while a sneaky camera candidly records.

“This whole thing is f**ked,” Hugo fumes about the things he heard Dan say. “I don’t wanna throw any of the boys under the bus … Dan (was) like, ‘I can’t stand her. But we just say yes to try make it to the end. She is the last person I’d be attracted to. Like, she’s 100 per cent not my type’.”

You on candid camera, now.

Dan whips around to death-stare Hugo. Side note: We’re surprised Dan managed to fit this reunion in around his six-hour gym routines.

Dan can’t believe he rescheduled a Body Attack class to come here and be, well … generally attacked.

“Stop looking at Hugo, I know what you’re doing,” Sandy rouses on her ex-husband. “Stop intimidating him. I see it in your eyes, Dan. I’ve dealt with you for two months full-time, I know exactly what you do. You’re doing it to me right now. Stop trying to intimidate me and stop me from speaking.”

Being exposed like this makes Dan furious. Usually, he’d take his frustrations out on the treadmill for 12 hours, but he can’t escape. Not now. Anytime Fitness will just have to wait for another time.

Another side note: It would’ve been helpful if producers provided Sandy with Hugo’s candid footage when this scandal first popped up.

Aiken drops his voice, low and slow. “Did you say the things at the boys’ night that Hugo is suggesting he heard from you?”

Imagine being older than John Aiken but having him rouse on you like you’re his dropkick teenager who stole his Commodore and used it to do doughies in the Macca’s carpark?

“I don’t recall saying them,” Dan says. “So, I don’t remember word for word.”

We all know what that means. He totally did it. He has no respect for anyone. It’s the kind of person he is. During his lengthy gym sessions, he probably just pretends to wipe down the sweaty equipment.

Just when it couldn’t get worse, Sandy brings up how Dan said he wasn’t sexually attracted to her — right before having sex with her.

“The night before we went to bed, he said things like, ‘I don’t understand why you only want to get intimate in the dark. I’m not vibin’ with this, Sandy. I date girls who walk around in skimpy clothes’,” she tells the room.

Once again, Claire serves up A+ reactionary cutaway shots:

She has been rehearsing this one.

Dan continues to deny. Aiken cuts him off.

“Dan, I’ve sat here tonight and been counting the amount of times ‘no’ comes out of your mouth,” he says. “And … it is … a lot.”

OK … but … are you going to reveal an actual number? After all, you said you’ve been sitting here counting.

Several seconds pass and Aiken fails to come up with a solid figure. Perhaps this is the finale’s big shock twist: John Aiken can’t count.

We’re not exactly blime-fibe-eb.

Next up is Lyndall and Cam. After last night’s dinner party, where it came out that Cam and Tayla have been allegedly sexting, many questions remain unanswered.

“We were watching you at the dinner party,” Schilling says, “and there’s something that came up that we’d like a little clarification on …”

“I got my dick out,” Cam grunts. “At a nightclub.”

Huh. Cool. No more context required.

Do you think he just whips it out while visiting other random establishments? 7-11. The post office. JB Hi-Fi.

Schill shakes her head and pushes on, asking what’s going on with Tayla. Cam answers this query by retelling his naked nightclub anecdote, as if it’s completely normal.

“There’s nothin’ goin’ on there,” he shrugs. “It was a piss-take after the final vows. I got naked in the nightclub while my phone was on FaceTime with Tayla and one of the boys was holding it.”

Schilling switches her focus to Tay, but we don’t get proper answers. The only moment of satisfaction for us? When Tayla does one of her trademark hair flicks and whips Layton in the face with her extensions.

This is the best moment of the entire season.

So, how does this hodgepodge of a finale end? With Claire and Jesse. The exes jump on the couch and announce that – despite the many fights and cheating scandals that marred their relationship the first time around – they’re getting back together.

Their recoupling makes about as much sense as Cam being naked in a nightclub.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Remember when he shushed you and you cried?