James Weir recaps Married At First Sight Australia 2021 episode 10 | MAFS couple’s awkward BDSM role-play

MAFS has tried to steal viewer attention from Harry and Meghan’s explosive tell-all in the most cringe-worthy way possible. Prepare to groan.

As Harry and Meghan’s tell-all with Oprah on Channel 10 threatens to steal Monday night’s TV ratings, Married At First Sight producers resort to cringe-worthy tactics by serving up the one thing those ex-royals can’t offer: awkward sex challenges with props.

Two car crashes, same timeslot. Only one of them has finger tonguing.

It’s up to you, Australia.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: MAFS wife’s X-rated sex claim

“I hope you’re not freaking out like, ‘Here she comes with her sex exercises’,” clinical sexologist Alessandra tries to calm the contestants, but mostly us.

Yes. This is indeed what we’re all thinking. And then a few seconds later, in she comes — with her sex exercises.

The first sexercise is called Eye Gazing.

“When I say gazing, I mean gazing — not staring,” she coaches Pat and Belinda.

They gaze at each other. Alessandra stares at them. And we stare at all of them, while grimacing. It’s as interesting as staring at people staring at each other. Bored with staring at these dorks, we pick up our phones to instead stare at all the secrets Harry and Meghan are being tricked into spilling.

Next up is The Melted Hug.

“I want you to feel like you’re melting into each other’s bodies. And get your groins a little closer,” she guides.

Pat and Belinda don’t melt right and it ends with the sex lady yelling, “Melt! Melt! Melt!”

MELT BETTER!

These sex intimacy games are a little woo-woo and it’d probably be more helpful if the couples were taught exercises that can be integrated into everyday life. I’ve found the following have worked wonderfully in my own relationships.

Individual Pizzas

In this game, we both order our own individual pizzas and then eat them in separate rooms while watching different Netflix shows.

Pretend I’m Invisible

In this challenge, I come home from work and my partner doesn’t talk to me for at least two hours, even if we are in the same room.

That Sucks

This exercise will guarantee a happy relationship. It’s where I bitch about everyone I know while offering clearly one-sided versions of events and my partner just sits there and says, “Ugh, that sucks”.

All the other couples are given more weird challenges and we don’t know what this one is but we know it makes us uncomfortable and we’d rather be watching Harry and Meghan show Oprah their chicken coop.

Guys, c’mon, don’t do that on the floor — I eat there.

We consider flipping the channel over to watch Oprah trick Meghan and Harry into thinking they’re best friends so they tell her all their secrets, but then a guy gets his finger tongued.

Fine. You win this time, producers. We’ll keep watching. But only because we know neither Harry nor Meghan are getting their fingers tongued.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you: finger tonguing.

But then we pick up the remote control to change the channel the moment Brett starts emitting a guttural moan.

“He’s making weird grunting sounds. That just makes my hymen re-seal,” Booka winces.

Same, Booka. SAME.

This is a formal warning. Brett better listen to his wife. And if he doesn’t?

“With ex-partners, I quite enjoy tying them up and giving them no control,” she declares as we cringe yet again.

She then adopts a Russian accent and enters the bedroom as a dominatrix before handcuffing and blindfolding her husband.

Ugh, can we flip over to the Oprah interview already?

“Rule is … I am boss. You are maggot,” she grunts while spanking him with a leather riding crop.

The spanking continues as she mounts him. “In communist Russia, we do things different. We tickle ze butt. You like ze butt?”

Olga and ze maggot.

We scream and start hitting the buttons on the remote control but, instead of changing the channel, we accidentally turn up the volume and all we hear is spanking and guttural moans and fake Russian accents.

Oprah! Save us!

After blacking out from terror, we wake up groggy to find Coco and Cam still pursuing their sorta-affair.

Finally, this show is crawling out of the gutter and getting back to more family-friendly content with a good ol’ fashioned affair.

“I’ve got respect for relationships and marriages. And it’s hard for me because I still kinda wanna keep that respect to Sam,” he says as he sneaks down to Coco’s apartment for another secret chat behind his wife’s back.

They sit so close together on the couch their knees touch and they stare into each other’s eyes as they carefully dance around all the things they want to say but can’t.

“It goes against both our morals,” Coco says. “Cam did move back in with Sam and it’s either going to move their relationship along and open things up between them … or it may speed along the dissolving of their relationship. We’ll see what the future holds.”

And if we were to predict the future?

They’ll be finger-tonguing each other any day now.

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