James Weir recaps Married At First Sight 2022 episode 5

This cocky MAFS groom got slapped with a harsh realisation when his wife rejected him just moments after their wedding. James Weir recaps.

A cocky Married At First Sight husband who stops at nothing to go viral by performing The Worm during the wedding reception is rejected by his unimpressed wife in what is perhaps the most level-headed decision that has ever been made on this esteemed program.

OK, it’s not just The Worm that disgusts her. It’s never just The Worm. People who feel compelled to do The Worm in public obviously come with a number of other concerning issues.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

There’s good news and bad news about Sunday night’s episode. We’ve gotta sit through two more weddings. Boo! But they’re the final weddings and then tomorrow night we’re treated to the first drunken dinner party. Yay! But we’ve still gotta suffer through the two weddings tonight. Boo! We don’t even wanna go to the weddings of people we actually like.

The first couple is Olivia and Jackson, who both come with sad contestant backstories. Note to producers: This is not The X-Factor.

Thank gosh Olivia’s mum is here to ask inappropriate questions. It’s important to have at least one judgy in-law present at these weddings because they represent us, the judgy viewers. They act on our behalf to completely derail the happiness.

“Any long-term relationships you’ve come out of?” Olivia’s mum awkwardly interrogates Jackson in front of everyone. When she’s promptly scolded by her daughter, she rolls her eyes and moves onto a rapid-fire round of questions. “What sort of sport do you play? Like, do you do tennis or snow skiing? Any dogs or cats?

Jackson pauses for a moment. “I … have a dog?”

Olivia’s mum squints and lobs back a follow-up. “Male?”

Jackson looks around the room, waiting for someone to intervene. “ … My dog is … male … yep.”

Hmmm. He owns a male dog. That says everything we need to know.

‘My work here is done.’

It’s a shame Olivia’s mum can’t come to the second wedding of the night, because her services are absolutely required when it comes to our groom, 25-year-old tradie Al who has arrived on this show with rehearsed lines that he hopes will make him Meme Famous.

“I’m just a kid from Bondi that everybody loves,” he shrugs. “My best qualities are definitely my body, my smile … my face in general.”

How annoyed do you think he’ll be by this carefully-timed screenshot?

Hey Al, why the face?

Al might seem like a confident guy but, like all of us, he has his insecurities.

“Probably my legs — they aren’t as muscly as I want them to be,” he sighs.

He’s also never been in a relationship before. Why? His scrawny legs are probably to blame. That’s definitely the only reason we can think of.

Until now, he has managed to survive by having his mother make his dinner, pack his lunch and do his laundry. The experts can’t wait to inflict this bad behaviour on an unsuspecting bride and excitedly pair him with Samantha, who’s still recovering from a broken heart.

“I remember reading his diary,” she says of her ex, “and it said, ‘2019 — propose to Sam. Rome?’ FYI, it didn’t happen. He decided to cheat on me instead.”

We’re shocked. Mainly that a grown man had a diary.

At the church, Al continues to give us his pre-thought sound bites.

“I feel like a gladiator, walking into the coliseum,” he says while shoving open the century-old doors of the suburban chapel. “Cometh the hour, cometh the man.”

Ugh, shut-eth up-eth.

Get-eth out-eth.

Laying eyes on his bride just moments later, he’s overcome with emotion. She’s exactly what he imagined and more. Poetry spills from his mouth.

“I’ve caught myself a doozy here,” he laughs. “She’s not just a guppy. She’s a kingfish.”

It’s pure romance. The kind we all dream about finding. I hope my future husband describes me as a really snarky sea urchin.

“Where’d you go for schoolies?” he asks his Queensland-based wife. “I went to Bali for schoolies.”

Al is obviously bringing his A-game. But it seems Samantha doesn’t appreciate her new husband’s quest for internet virality.

“He’s … super young,” she sighs to us.

It’s around now we start giggling because we can’t wait until she finds out she has to do his laundry and pack his lunches.

Oh, and you also have to cook his dinner xx

Writing your own vows is always risky. If you insist on personalising them, it’s best to go simple and classic. Maybe quote a line from an E.E. Cummings poem. Or, in Al’s case, rap a verse from Eminem’s 2002 hit Lose Yourself.

“Sam, as I stand before you now, I’m nervous …” he begins before bopping to an imaginary beat. “ … my palms are sweaty. My knees are weak, my arms are heavy. But I can’t wait to try out my new wife’s spaghetti.”

Any thoughts, Samantha?

“I’m definitely not disappointed,” she tries to be diplomatic for the camera. “But … there’s definitely things that are, what I call, pink flags. Not quite red flags — but maybe something to take notice of.”

Mmmhm mhmm. Yes. We totally get it. Pink flags. Formerly white flags that accidentally got put in the washing machine with a sneaky red sock.

“The flags are going from pink to red pretty quickly,” she widens her eyes.

Try some Napisan Oxi Action xx

Of course, Al is oblivious to all this.

“I’m happy, she’s happy. Well ... I don’t know that she’s happy but I assume she is,” he smiles.

Either way, he doesn’t really care because he has more meme-able moments to deliver. Someone should probably step in and tell him to tone it down a little bit. Well … maybe we’ll let him finish doing The Worm first.

Do the sprinkler next!

Once he’s got all that out of his system, he returns to his wife — ready to pose for their wedding photos, where the photographer rushes them into an intimate pose.

“No, we’re not doing a kiss,” Sam declares, leaning away from her husband. “We’re not doing it. I don’t want to.”

Al is startled. After all, he’s the kid from Bondi who everyone loves! Clearly there must be something wrong with her.

What’s your beef, Kingfish?

“I’m not here just to kiss you and laugh at your jokes,” Samantha rants to us. “There’s so much more to a relationship and what’s important. He needs to show me his maturity as a man before I go making out with him.”

Wow. Jeez, Samantha. It’s almost like you don’t appreciate your husband’s grand scheme to become a meme celebrity. Real supportive spouse, you are.

Al is absolutely perplexed at his wife’s reaction. “I dunno why she doesn’t kiss,” he says while staring at himself in the reflection of a steel butter knife. “It can’t be because she doesn’t like me. I think give it a day or two and then she’ll be all over me — she’ll be kissin’ everywhere.”

Literally.

A grim-faced Samantha sits on a park bench next to her new husband. It’s two days into their honeymoon and there still hasn’t been a kiss. She shudders at the thought.

Out of nowhere, Al decides it’s the perfect moment to try again. As he lunges in, Sam jolts her body back with such force she almost loses her balance and falls into the nearby creek.

“I was shocked,” Al tells us. “I didn’t see that coming. I thought she’d get into it. I got brushed … again.”

Yeah. Look … ah … hate to say it, but it must be your scrawny legs.

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