James Weir recaps Married At First Sight 2022 episode 3

A MAFS bride is shattered only hours after her wedding — with her husband issuing an X-rated defence. James Weir recaps.

With the premiere of Married At First Sight not quite reaching the dizzying heights of previous years, producers go back to basics on Wednesday with a husband who declares he’s not attracted to his OTT wife.

His defence? An out-of-sync schlong.

And it’s not just one OTT wife tonight. It’s two. But the second OTT wife marries an OTT husband. His schlong’s in-sync ... we think.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

But before any of that, we bust into the dank hotel rooms of Tuesday night’s married couples where we flick the lights on and off until they tell us whether they had sex.

Ella and Mitch — who producers edited to look like sex freaks — did not, in fact, have sex. Boo. Really not living up to their sex freak reputation.

But that’s OK because Domenica and Jack have stolen the title of resident sex freaks.

“Is he a good root?” Domenica smiles. “Without being crude, I liked it. A lot.”

“That was so good,” Jack says as he kisses his new wife, and we grimace at the thought of the morning breath situation that’s no doubt going on.

Our reigning sex freaks.

The first couple to be matched tonight is Andrew and Holly.

He’s a twice-divorced motivational speaker from Texas. The two divorces do not reflect well on his motivational speaking skills.

And Holly is … well … we’ll let the experts describe her.

“She’s a little intense,” sex expert Alessandra cringes.

John Aiken nods. “She can come across unusual at times.”

Ah. The two main criteria for a Married At First Sight contestant.

We’re then treated to footage of Holly staring at herself in the mirror, reciting her morning affirmations.

“I am open to giving and receiving love,” she forces a smile. “Love comes easily to me. Money comes easily to me — frequently and in abundance. I am warm. I am happy. I am open. I am amazing. I am beautiful.”

‘And — according to the experts — I am intense. I am unusual.’

She then pulls out a notebook to complete her daily wish list of things she hopes the universe will deliver her. “Right now, I’m just trying to manifest a husband into my life,” she shares with us.

What am I trying to manifest? One night of unbroken sleep and a moment’s relief from never-ending heartburn.

“I have a vision board in my room,” she beams, skipping down the hall to show us.

Don’t wanna hurt your feelings, Holly, but I’ve seen better.

Your vision board just seems lacking in vision.

At the altar, Andrew puts into practice his motivational speaking skills.

“I gotchu. I gotchu. Yeah? I gotchu,” he tells Holly.

Inspiring stuff. After hearing his wise words, I feel like I could conquer the world.

“Everyone says I’m really intense — but you’re really intense,” Holly blurts out, intensely.

I feel like “motivational speaker” is just a fancy way of saying you work at the front desk of a gym.

Holly’s clearly an introspective and spiritual person with an interest in how life is influenced by a higher power. Her vows reflect this.

“Savage Garden once said, I knew I loved you before I met you. And Michael Buble once said, I just haven’t met you yet.”

And it was either Fergie or Norah Jones who said, I’ma get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump.

During the ceremony, Holly’s mind starts to race. The only thing she can focus on is Andrew’s Texan accent. Her vision board did not say anything about a Texan accent!

“I’m thinking guns and anti-abortion laws. And Trump,” she frets.

It’s always fun to see people get betrayed by their own vision boards.

Kinda wanna break into Holly’s house and tamper with her vision board.

Across town, our second OTT bride is getting ready to walk down the aisle.

“If my mum could pick me the perfect husband, he would look like Kim Jong-un and have a multimillion-dollar company in China,” Selina sighs about her conservative parents.

Honey? Pass my phone number onto your mum and tell her to hook me up. My life’s calling is to be a dictator’s wife.

She’s paired with some guy called Cody, and we quickly realise he’s one of those people who thinks “travel” is a personality trait.

“I’m that kind of person who loves adventure,” he nods. “So if someone says, ‘Do you wanna come to Europe?’ I’m probably gonna go to Europe.”

Red flag. If you date someone like Cody, expect to be woken up early on Saturdays to go on arduous treks to rock pools.

I like to think the couples are matched by Cher’s wardrobe computer from Clueless.

When they meet at the altar, Selina poses an important question.

“Is this your natural colour?” she assesses the groom’s strawberry blonde hair before getting distracted by a possum in a nearby fig tree.

Her vows are a little more low-key than Holly’s. But what she lacks in ‘90s Australian pop references, she makes up for with foot defects.

“I hope that you’ll love me unconditionally. Bunions and all,” she smiles.

We safely assume Cody will not love the bunions unconditionally because he can barely tolerate Selina smiling at him.

“Selina seems so ecstatic — like, every time I turn around she’s … smiling,” he cringes.

“It’s … really good? But it’s also … like, a little bit uneasy. It’s a bit too much. I’m just a little bit stumped about how to handle the situation. I’ve just gotten married to someone I’ve known for 20 minutes — I’m really worried she’s gonna dive in really quickly.”

You should move towns and change your name immediately.

Honestly, Cody. You’re such a drama queen. Selina’s not too intense.

“We should get matching tattoos!” she exclaims over dinner.

Any thoughts, Cody? We think you’d look great with a barbed wire tat on your upper bicep.

Or maybe the phrase “c’est la vie” in cursive, across your chest.

Cody’s already freaking out. And when Selina starts asking intensely personal questions, it pushes him over the edge. What kind of questions? Really inappropriate ones. Like, What do you want out of this experiment? And, What do you do for work?

The nerve!

“ … I’m thinking, ‘I just met ya’,” Cody vents to us. “How much more will this escalate? Let’s just slow it down a wee bit, shall we? Like, ease up.”

There’s clearly a deeper issue going on here and he wastes no time in making it known.

“I guess the only concern would be the initial attraction was not quite as much as I would’ve liked. I just don’t know that there’s that real spark,” he says.

Uh-oh. We know what’s gonna happen now. The moment a contestant secretly admits they’re not attracted to their new spouse, producers whip out the Truth Box and fill it with one single question that the couple is forced to ask each other.

“Are you attracted to me?” Selina reads out from a slip of paper.

OK, Cody. You’ve got two choices here. Answer the question. Or get matching tattoos. It’s up to you.

“Ah … OK, so … um …” he stumbles. “Honestly, I really do think you’re a gorgeous girl … but I don’t know why I’m struggling a bit with the sexual attraction.”

Ouch. Low blow. No one wants to hear that from their new husband. There’s nothing that could make this worse. Well...

“It’s like my schlong isn’t co-ordinating with my head,” he shrugs.

OK. Um … we don’t quite know what to suggest, Cody. Have you tried doing a factory reset?

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Ugh, classic schlong. Always so flaky.