James Weir recaps Married At First Sight 2019 episode 16

In a moment of weakness, MAFS cheater Ines has revealed something way too soon. And it has scared off the man she’s cheating with.

In a moment of weakness, Married At First Sight’s controversial cheater Ines makes a heartfelt declaration way too soon only to have it thrown in her face by Sam, who low-key rejects her behind her back on Wednesday night.

It’s a low-key rejection because Ines isn’t quite aware yet that she has been rejected. Only we know because Sam runs away in terror and tells us while having a panic attack. It’s an uncharacteristic moment of vulnerability from Ines and we’re sure she’s going to forever regret the whole five seconds of emotion she allowed herself to exhibit.

Like Dean and Virgin Matthew before him, it looks like Sam has hib ip and quib ip. He liked Ines until he got her. They slammed, as Melissa would say. And when Ines goes and makes one big bold statement, he decides he’s probably not that keen.

It all spins out of control at the weekly drunken dinner party, where the salacious rumour of their affair continues to fester before bubbling into a gross rash that eventually has to be scratched. And in graphic scenes, another humiliating screaming match about the hot new sex act “thumbing” ensues.

Wednesday night’s episode opens and we’re surprised to find everyone is still on the Gold Coast but clearly producers got a good deal on Wotif or something.

Elizabeth is exhausted. Tuesday night’s bar fight really took it out of her. We find her laying under a faux fur blanket she found in a cupboard in the hotel room and we’re a little bit grossed out. I wouldn’t let my body anywhere near a hotel-provided faux fur blanket.

Girl, you don’t know where that blanket has been.

She’s torn. Not even a junk food platter can pull her out of this slump. Does she believe the rumours? She doesn’t want to. After all, she returned to the experiment and flew up to the Gold Coast to give her marriage with Sam one final try.

But Sam can’t stand another day with her. Determined to end things completely, he sits her down and says it’s probably not gonna happen.

Of course, Lizzie brings up the racy sex act they engaged in: Thumbing.

“YOU PUT YA THUMB IN MY MOUTH!’ YOU PUT YA THUMB IN MY MOUTH!” she screams.

But Sam isn’t gonna let Lizzie rewrite history.

“No, you put my thumb in your mouth. You thought it was Cadbury chocolate and you started eating my fingers,” he yells, taking an unnecessarily cruel jab at Lizzie’s penchant for Dairy Milk value packs.

“You put your thumb in my mouth!” she rebuts.

“Why would I put my thumb in your mouth? Tell me why I would put my fingers in your f*cking mouth,” he demands.

“Because you thought we were gonna f*ck, Sam!” she screams.

Lizzie keeps screaming “you blatantly lied!” except I’m pretty sure she mispronounces it as “blatedly”.

“Sorry babes that I don’t wanna f*ck you. You did stick your thumb in my mouth,” she continues.

Sam banishes her from his hotel room and then ices her out completely. His silence makes her more furious.

“Liar!” she taunts from the hallway.

“Li-aaaar! LIAR! Liar. Liar, Sam. You’re a f*cking liar.”

Oh, hi, Lizzie, we didn’t hear you come in.

By the time everyone’s Jetstar flight arrives back in Sydney for the weekly dinner party, the big dirty rumour has spread and festered — not unlike Sam’s chickenpox welts.

And now there’s new information.

“So Ines says there’s nothing going on between her and Sam but do you remember that day I told you Sam and Ines were in Jessika and Mick’s room? Maybe it happened that night,” Ning shrugs to Mark as if we all knew this. Jesus, Ning. Why are you only telling us this now?

Ning’s brand new piece of info quickly circulates at the dinner party and everyone is convinced it will all come out tonight — mainly because they all keep talking about it very loudly.

Martha takes it upon herself to unearth the truth.

“I’m gonna ask Ines,” she declares before grabbing her the moment she arrives.

Everyone has a lot of questions: Mainly why she and Sam broke into Jessika and Mick’s apartment.

But Ines denies everything.

“Nooooo,” she smiles. “That’s so weeeirrrrd. It’s soooo funnyyyyy. Like, I don’t even wanna talk about it, it’s so lame,” she smiles.

She stays away from Sam and they make eyes across the room. They silently thank God Lizzie is now out of the picture after Sam banished her from the Gold Coast.

Suddenly the giant industrial door of the warehouse is kicked open and in walks Lizzie, flicking her hair extensions.

I can tell the soundtrack in her head is Bad Blood.

“I’m here because I’m an incredibly strong woman and I won’t let anyone walk all over me,” she says, and those are the words of an incredibly insecure woman.

There’s a subplot running at this dinner party with Mike and Heidi but it’s honestly too exhausting to even write. It’s all about how Mike told Jessika to sleep with Mick. Heidi sets some rules for tonight about how Mike’s not allowed to approach Jessika and Mike breaks the rules and then we have to listen to Heidi be extremely needy for hours. It’s honestly more boring than her government housing story, which is saying something. Anyway, they basically split up but we don’t really care.

We react appropriately.

Me at all family functions.

While all this drama unfolds, it’s just great to see other couples really revelling in the romance.

“Yesterday she offered me some of her chips,” Mark says about Ning. I’ve never heard of a more romantic gesture.

Cyrell, who again earlier pledged to stay out of drama tonight, goes and causes drama by telling Lizzie the updated rumour and encourages her to start a fight. She then demands the boys tell Bronson his wife is probably cheating on him.

Sam denies it to the boys and we want to have sympathy for Bronson but he’s a total moron.

“Ines, she’s an honest girl. And a rumour is a bloody rumour. I trust her,” he smiles.

It’s the early hours of the morning and even though the drinks continue to flow, everyone is pretty sober.

Me at da club.

Lizzie is handling the rumours about her cheating husband super well.

Somebody thumb Lizzie and wake her up.

It’s all a blur and at some point in the evening, everyone decides to side with Sam and attack Lizzie about her graphic claims that Sam thumbed her.

“Stop trying to make it seem like I was trying to have sex with you!” Lizzie screams across the table.

Um, you’re the one throwing gross thumbing allegations around.

“So this is what I’ve heard. I heard you stuck your thumb in her mouth,” Nic interrogates.

“You know what, that’s private. It’s an intimate thing,” Martha tries to defuse, and she’s right — thumbing is an incredibly intimate act and something that stays behind closed doors.

But everyone wants to know about the big dirty thumb.

“Who sucked whose fingers? Whose fingers were sucked?!” Jessika chants.

Lizzie is pushed to the limit. She has to prove she’s not the crazy one.

“It was literally, we went to bed. I kissed Sam. And I pulled away,” Lizzie explains. “And he said, ‘That was a bit cheeky’. I kissed him again. And he said, ‘It’s nice to see you smile’. And I said, ‘We’re not having sex, this is not what it is’. And then he puts his thumb in my mouth.”

Lizzie remains calm.

But Sam insists he just thumbed her out of personal defence.

“[I did it to] defer you from trying to kiss me because I’m not into you!” he laughs.

“I was not trying to have sex with Sam!” Lizzie persists.

“Well, you were. You’ve lost your mind,” he grins.

Lizzie is humiliated. She runs off and cries about how Sam is being a really big meanie.

“You’re mean! You’re just being mean and it’s hurtful and it hurts,” she sobs. Ugh, nothing’s more awful than hurtfulness that hurts.

It’s 3am and Ines decides to go to the bathroom in search of cupcakes again. Sam follows.

“I get so horny when I see you,” she tells him as they get close on a random secret couch. “I have, like, six orgasms in my head.”

Sam loves this conversation and they make out. It’s exactly what he wants to hear. But then Ines goes too far.

“If you can’t see me in your life long term, I don’t wanna do it,” she whispers as she nuzzles into his chest.

The statement freaks Sam out. He only wants to hear about head orgasms and horniness. The phrase “long term” does not give him head orgasms.

“ … So … you see me in your life … long term? Just … like that?” he stumbles.

He’s nervous. Terrified, even. He never planned on being with Ines forever. He saw this as a regular hook-up. You know, one that’s technically an affair and unfolds in front of cameras for a couple of weeks before it eventually runs its course.

“Whoa, like, Ines has come on way too strong. It’s sorta a bit of a turn off,” he tells us.

“I don’t think we thought or figured it would go this far. I think she’s definitely falling for me. I’d hate to dodge one bullet for another bullet.”

The colour drains from his face as Ines smiles up at him. In a moment of weakness, she has shown true emotion and it has backfired. She doesn’t even realise she has willingly caught Sam’s chickpox for nothing. But what will hurt her the most is that she was finally nice to someone and for no reason.

For more observations on not touching hotel blankets and being low-key rejected, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Ines pls go back to being mean.