James Weir recaps Married At First Sight 2018 episode 4

AFTER a night of hot love, Married At First Sight’s “sexist” groom tells his wife what she wants to hear. But behind her back, he says otherwise.

AFTER lying to his wife’s face over a romantic honeymoon dinner, Married At First Sight’s sexist groom Dean has snuck behind her back to secretly reveal his true feelings.

Throughout Thursday night’s episode we were pummelled with unwanted details about their sexual escapades. But it seems Dean has led Tracey on. And while his innocent wife is left alone on the deck of their villa — basking in the romance of her honeymoon — Dean hides out in a garden.

“Can she hear me?” he whispers frantically before revealing all.

CATCH UP: James Weir recaps MAFS episode 3

While we’ve still got about 17 more weddings to get through on this show, we take a break and head off on a few honeymoons with the couples we’ve already met.

Following their tumultuous wedding, things are actually improving between Jo and Sean. The conversation is crackling, the chemistry is electric and their romance has suddenly become as sexy as an aeroplane neck pillow.

This just isn’t necessary.

Over in the Cook Islands, Davina’s still huffing about her match with Ryan and honestly she doesn’t know how lucky she is. Yes, he’s a bit of an idiot. No, he doesn’t know when to stop making stupid jokes. But he’s cute and sweet and I’d give anything to throw a barbecue at his house while walking around in front of his mates in my jean shorts.

At breakfast, Davina looks annoyed and embarrassed. Annoyed because she doesn’t like Ryan and embarrassed probably because of that stupid flower crown on top of her head.

I just think large flower crowns are more appropriate at brunch.

Across the South Pacific in Fiji, Dean and Tracey relentlessly hint that they’ve had sex.

“I’m not a melon person,” Tracey says coyly.

“I beg to differ. You are a BIG melon person. I was eating some melons last night,” Dean chortles as I walk to my fridge to pull out the rockmelon I have in the crisper before throwing it in the bin forever.

In confronting scenes, we’re suddenly threatened with rough and ready handicam footage of Tracey writhing around on a bed in some kind of silk lingerie while Dean mutters from behind the camera.

No one asked for this thank you.

It’s distressing and it doesn’t stop. We’re battered with further sexual commentary and then producers keep cutting to Dr Trisha to talk about mating and it’s like hearing your mum analyse your sex life and we get so grossed out that we flip over to I’m A Celeb but that wang Mundine says something dumb about gays and we’re totally not MKR people so we’re forced to flip back to MAFS.

Giving us a much needed respite from their sex life, Tracey starts crapping on about her mate who’s a psychic. And suddenly, Dean is no longer interested in Tracey and her all-you-can-eat melons.

Meanwhile, in Singapore, the sexual tension reaches its peak when Jo actually chokes in the villa pool and almost drowns while Sean ignores her from his cabana.

Cute snap of me at Bondi.

Anyway.

Back on the Cook Islands, Davina’s tipped over the edge when Ryan decides to growl out an oyster and then vomits over the deck. Honestly, she’s just got so many rules.

“You’re turning me off my cheesy bread!” she scolds. “You make me f*cking sick.”

She storms out of the cabana and past a cane lantern to sulk under a palm tree. She’s so furious she forgets to take her loaf of cheesy bread.

Later that night, she decides the only way she’ll develop feelings for Ryan is if she forces them, so they have hate-sex. The following morning, we find them both sitting upright in bed — silent, pale and wide-eyed.

Ugh this oyster’s so lucky.

Despite almost drowning, Jo is still roaring through Singapore. It seems nothing can bring her down. But then we find her kryptonite: Humidity.

‘As a busy mum, I don’t have time for Frizz Ease’

Just when we thought we were done hearing Dean and Tracey’s sex revelations, we get thrust even deeper.

“I have had a swinging experience in a relationship,” Tracey smirks to Dean.

Suddenly, Dean’s back on board and would like a slice of melon please.

“The whole psychic thing put me off, but what she’s told me tonight has shown me a whole new side to her,” he informs us.

But this was all a trap. Now she’s got Dean distracted and mildly turned on, Tracey asks him if he sees this relationship lasting.

He tells her yeah. And then he runs into a garden to tell us nah.

“Can she hear me?” he whispers, frantically looking over his shoulder. “Look, to be completely honest. If I look at my gut, I’m very, very sceptical.”

While Dean’s sharing this dark truth with us, his wife is metres away, tapping away on her iPhone, texting everyone back home the happy news.

It’s hurtful. Heartbreaking. The damage could be humiliating.

When the Asahi is exceptionally good.

For more observations on flower crowns and not eating melons, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir