‘He’s scared’: Married At First Sight wife mercilessly mocked

MAFS has been stormed by an intruder who works an unconventional job. The reaction is brutal. James Weir recaps.

We don’t need a magic ball to predict everyone’s reaction to Madeleine, a professional psychic.

Married At First Sight is supercharged as intruders storm Trash Tower on Monday night, with one of the witchy new brides is mercilessly mocked in a reaction we didn’t even need a magic ball to predict.

The runaway gay is also replaced, which means we have a same-sex wedding. There’s really nothing to note with this union. The gays know how to throw a party. It’s perfectly styled, the music selection is fun and the food is to die for.

All the straight couples are jealous. And why wouldn’t they be? To partially quote Mr Tinkles from the cinematic masterpiece Cats & Dogs: gays rule.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here

The voiceover lady describes tonight’s intruder bride as “one of the most unique” participants the show has ever seen. This is a passive-aggressive way of saying she’s a freako.

“I am a psychic medium,” Madeleine introduces herself. “I was an actress for a long time. But I am a medium first and foremost.”

It’s good to know that if things ever stall for Cate Blanchett and Nicole Kidman, a fulfilling second act awaits them on the thriving clairvoyant scene.

“I get psychic downloads from my guides,” Madeleine continues. “They’re telling me information that is helpful for me to know.”

It’s peculiar that her trusty spiritual guides didn’t seem to have any messages of warning about her decision to partake in this disastrous show. Oh well.

On her wedding day, she consults the tarot cards and spooky signals start pinging in from another dimension. She’s able to predict all the details of the husband she hasn’t even met yet.

“Thirty-seven. He’s thirty-seven. Thirty-seven is coming in strong,” she says of his age.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet her husband, Ash. He’s 33.

Close enough.

He tells a very sad story about his brother passing away. We immediately bet money that Madeleine will try to contact him, like John Edward.

When the bride floats down the aisle and meets her groom, she’s immediately blindsided.

“Are they recording everything?” she peers down the barrel of the camera that will be filming her every day of this months-long reality show.

It seems her spiritual guides are withholding a lot of important information.

You’re on candid camera.

“I am Madeleine. I am weird, strange,” she informs her husband.

Well, you’re on the right show, Madeleine. This series is a safe haven for the weird and strange. Speaking of which, the original MAFS freaks are all in the crowd as wedding guests. The ceremony soon spirals out of control with all the freaks trying to out-freak each other.

When Madeleine announces that she’s a medium, Lauren cocks an eyebrow and turns to her boring husband, Jonathan.

“What’s a medium?” she whispers. “Like, a clothes size? Girl, you are at least an extra-small.”

Can we just get picture-in-picture commentary from Lauren throughout the entire episode?

Every Married At First Sight wedding ceremony is proof that people should not be allowed to write their own vows. Case in point …

“I’m Madeleine. I’m annoying,” the bride begins. “I’m annoying because I love people deeply. And I’m annoying because I’m super kind.”

This is the vow equivalent of saying “my biggest flaw is that I work too hard” in job interviews.

While Madeleine is hoping to position herself as the quirky girl, her groom Ash is desperate to be seen as the tough guy.

“I look like a bad boy on the outside,” he tells his wife.

Actually, on the outside, you look like a regional accountant.

Nice comb-over, bad boy.

Madeleine then starts to fake cry, and it seems she went to the same dramatic arts school as Collins.

“This is about you and me and it’s about who we are as people!” she sobs. “I accept you. And I love you.”

Lauren’s gonna eat this girl alive.

Jack the sex beast scoffs as the camera zooms in on Ash’s face. “Poor dude. He’s so scared.”

Tori cringes.

“She raw-dogged her vows,” she mutters.

OK, that phrasing is unnecessary. You’ve been hanging out with Grandpa Richard for too long.

Nine should cancel A Current Affair and just fill the slot with footage of Tori and Lauren driving around town, criticising things.

The bride and groom kiss. The deal is sealed. That’s when Madeline’s guides start to troll her.

“I’m getting really bad vibes,” she says.

Something’s not right with her husband. The spiritual guides won’t tell her exactly what the issue is but we have an inkling. During the vows, he said “off the cusp” instead of “off the cuff”. Spiritual guides are notorious sticklers for linguistics.

But, moments later, the energy in the universe is fixed when Ash bravely reveals how he thinks he was attacked by a ghost in his bed last night.

“I love that!” Madeleine squeals. “That’s pretty vulnerable for a man to be able to share an experience like that. I feel better now.”

Did you hear that, gents? Woo the ladies with your finest ghost stories.

Everyone continues to mock Madeleine. Except Lucinda, who has finally found her soulmate.

“She’s brilliant,” the Byron hippie gasps. “She’s a treasure. She’s magnificent. She’s a bit of a piece of art.”

All of this is building to a mystical mid-season plot twist where Madeleine steals Lucinda off Timothy to use as her new spiritual guide.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Everything happens for a reason.