Domestic goddess Alan Jones snubs MAFS star and Mark Latham disses Chloe Shorten’s rissoles

TROUBLED MAFS exes Dean and Tracey raised eyebrows with a bizarre scheduled media appearance. Then veteran broadcaster Alan Jones put them in their place.

ON WHAT planet do the paths of Mark Latham, Alan Jones and Married At First Sight’s Dean and Tracey cross?

This bizarre guest list was just the latest confusing knot in a long string of oddities tied to the announcement that Alan and Mark were now Australia’s newest domestic goddesses.

I had many questions about their joint cookbook — mainly to do with Jones’ decision to wear a gold suit on the cover — but wasn’t initially compelled to attend Wednesday’s launch. Then I found out Married At First Sight’s cheating husband Dean and his jilted ex Tracey would be attending the event separately, so I immediately RSVPed and requested to be seated among the mess.

I arrived early so as not to miss a moment of interaction between apparent best friends Alan Jones and Tracey Jewel.

With a self-published e-book of relationship advice under her belt, Jewel is no stranger to the literary world. Perhaps she and Jones are co-authoring a fun book about what it’s like being single and fabulous in the digital age, I wondered.

As I waited, I thumbed through a copy of the cookbook that I stole from the sale table. I stopped at a particularly disturbing recipe: “Mark’s Tuna Patties.”

“Ugh. I don’t want to know about Mark’s tuna patties,” I said loudly to no one in particular.

Suddenly, a waiter holding a tray appeared.

“Would you like to try a Mark’s Tuna Patty?” he asked.

I find tuna — and the people who eat it in my office — repulsive. And the image of Mark Latham sensually rolling balls of the pungent meat between his palms like Nigella Lawson while purring vague sexual innuendos doesn’t help.

But, Mark’s Tuna Patties are kind of like a hangnail. You know you should leave it alone but curiosity wins.

So I ate one. It was as satisfying as a tuna patty.

Domestic goddesses Mark Latham and Alan Jones.

With Mark’s Tuna Patty breath, I went and accosted celebrity agent Max Markson to find out when Tracey and Dean would be arriving. He mumbled something about Tracey getting her flights confused and Dean running late.

“This book launch is turning into a real tuna patty of an event,” I sighed as he called Tracey to see where she was.

Max passed the phone to me to chat to Tracey while she was tapping away at the Virgin self check-in kiosk.

“Your hyped star appearance at the cookbook launch of Alan Jones and Mark Latham confuses me,” I told her as I picked the sultanas out of Alan Jones’ heirloom scones.

She gushed about how she’s the “biggest fangirl” of Alan and threw around the word “aspire”. I’m not entirely sure we were talking about the same Alan but I didn’t question her.

As Max informed me Married At First Sight’s villain Dean had now officially ditched the event, I looked around and realised I was now locked in a room with Mark Latham, Alan Jones and the 12 people who watch Sky News.

I made a similar face to Tracey when I realised she piked.

Addressing their fans, the pair offered anecdotes and wisdom. Alan told the crowd the book makes the perfect Mother’s Day gift. Hot tip from me to you: It does not. Then Mark dissed Chloe Shorten’s rissoles.

“On social media the other day I saw a picture of her serving up rissoles to Bill,” he scoffed. “Rissoles?! Wouldn’t you think they could do a lot better than rissoles? But that’s what they have. Not real flash. I can guarantee the recipes here are a lot better than Chloe Shorten’s rissoles.”

I don’t know what the difference between a rissole and a patty is but apparently the latter is far superior.

The culinary slapdown was brutal. I’m surprised he didn’t invite Chloe to the launch just so he could smoosh a Mark’s Tuna Patty in her face while insulting her substandard rissoles.

With no Tracey or Dean, I decided to go directly to Alan and find out their relevance to this event. When I told him the two reality stars snubbed the launch, he returned serve and responded the same way Mariah Carey did when asked if she’s friends with JLo.

“I don’t know them,” he boomed.

Asked if I had tried any of the food on offer, I informed Alan I ate a Mark’s Tuna Patty. He chortled and told me Mark likes anything “moist”.

I almost threw up my Mark’s Tuna Patty.

- @hellojamesweir