Lisa Oldfield breaks down on Real Housewives: ‘I’m so desperately sad’

A GIRLS’ trip turns disastrous on this week’s Real Housewives when sex talk leads to a frank admission from Lisa about her failing marriage.

LAST week’s petty Housewives squabbles were rather overshadowed by the real-life feuding between Lisa Oldfield and her husband David — drama that spilt over onto social media after the show.

This week, the girls are off to the Whitsundays. For self-proclaimed yummy mummy Nicole, this means enlisting her two daughters to help individually bag literally every single item of clothing she’s taking on the trip.

Last week’s Real Housewives recap: Lisa in tears over marriage breakdown

“I have separate bags for underwear, I have separate bags for belts and accessories, each shoe goes into a shoe bag,” she boasts.

After helping their mother, Nicole's children will both be individually bagged and placed back in their display boxes

“Chanel in Chanel bags! I want everything in matching bags! Do you understand?” she barks at the children.

“I teach Nawal and Neve about the importance of fabrics, of handwashing a cashmere jumper, of looking after a silk dress. They’re things that you need to teach your children.”

There may be some other things she needs to teach her children, because when she tells them she’ll be holidaying in Queensland, the poor little buggers think it’s a city in New South Wales.

The ladies arrive in the Whitsundays, Athena strutting poolside in the first of many enjoyably ludicrous outfits she’s packed:

Picnic At Hanging Rock 2: Spring Break

They assemble by the shore for a welcome cocktail, Krissy immediately rattling out her now iconic “OH WOW, CUTE WAITER!” mating call when she spies a male hospo member with a drinks tray.

But Nicole and Athena skip the group drinks, because Nicole has some private advice for Athena — the same she gave her last week. “It’s time you get to know the other girls. Do you know Matty’s kids’ names? Do you know my kids’ names?”

Athena most definitely does not. Her eyes glaze over as she scans her past life memory banks:

Yes well it's very easy to remember your children's names when you called one Narwhal

‘K I wanna say Nerve and Narre Warren’

Privately, Athena fumes. What kind of FRIEND expects their FRIEND to remember the names of their CHILDREN? Nicole you MONSTER.

“I’m not running a preschool here to remember children’s names. Is that how she judges a human being? By their MEMORY?”

By way of contrast, Nicole demonstrates to Athena that she remembers her three children’s names. Athena being Athena, she takes this as a personal affront.

“You remember my children’s names, because you’re so Little Miss Perfect. You deserve a trophy. Woop-dee-doo-dah.”

Malcolm X never had to put up with this s**t.

At dinner, Victoria gives the group a little pep talk. “A few of us have a few things going on that are a bit stressful[sideways glance at Lisa], but we’re all here and I want everyone to have a fabulous time.”

Entree is served, and Athena, who labels herself ‘80 per cent vegan’, swaps her specially prepared cheese dish for Matty’s fish course.

Neither of these meals, it should be noted, is in any way vegan.

Athena explains to the girls that her partial veganism is an “ethical thing,” to which Nicole asks: “Then how come you’re wearing an ivory bracelet?”

A Housewife who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than one whose ivory supplies are low

Vegan or not, wearing bits of an endangered elephant is generally considered a bit of a social faux pas in 2017, and the rest of the housewives can’t conceal their disgust.

“It’s pretty awful,” Lisa says. “Have you seen them when they take the tusks off? It’s horrific.”

Athena digs in. “How do we know that this elephant didn’t just die from natural causes?”

Good point well made, hun.

“F**K the bracelet! If it’s upsetting you so much I’ll get RID of the bracelet! You think I give a S**T about it? I DON’T give a S**T about it!”

Athena is most certainly not mad about the bracelet.

Changing tack, Victoria announces to the group that Lisa wants to divorce her husband. Given this was a private (televised) convo last episode, Victoria sharing it with the group seems to take Lisa by surprise.

Lisa jumps in to explain that in fact, she and David have sorted things out: “Once I’d heard his side of the story, and what I’d been doing to him, it started to make sense.”

Victoria’s not having any of this.

GUUUUUUUUURL please

As the others probe her on the state of her marriage, Lisa reveals that she and David haven’t slept in the same bed for “years.”

The last time they were “intimate” was a year ago, on a holiday in New Zealand. Having gifted the others the mental image of Oldfield coitus among the bubbling geysers of Rotorua, she flees the table, and Nicole follows in her wake.

It’s all rather emosh, but thankfully back at the table Matty, who’s got two days off work and isn’t going to let someone else’s marriage breakdown ruin her holiday thank you very much, is goading the girls to chug back a few shots. Talk soon turns to sex — a topic Athena’s surprisingly enthusiastic about.

“[Husband] Panos and I make Kundalini love,” she announces. “They say that the snake of Kundalini lives in the bottom of your spine, and if you can ignite that Kundalini, everything you experience is heightened.”

Basically, Athena’s orgasms are better than yours. Hers last “more than just 10 minutes, or whatever it usually lasts for.”

Matty is agog.

Judging by Matty's face she might be having one right now.

“Who has a ten-minute orgasm?” shrieks Melissa Tkautz, who clearly still keeps her hands off her detonator.

“That’s too deep [lol ew gross lol eww — ed.] for my husband, darling. I don’t have time for all that s**t.”

Athena enters the second hour of describing her orgasm while Victoria quietly signals the waiter to cancel her order of sticky toffee pudding.

Nicole and Lisa return to the table, saving the others from having to witness Athena do an in-person display with a pepper grinder.

Lisa says she’s fine, and that she and David are committed to working through their issues. Athena has two words for her: TANTRIC LOVEMAKING. Athena, we have two words for you: COLD SHOWER.

Next day, the ladies are all headed out on a luxury boat together, because apparently Dead Calm is the next 80s hit due for an all-female remake.

Athena, bless her, takes the nautical theme very literally in an ensemble we’re sure we’ve seen somewhere before:

Athena X is ready to cruise.

Lucille Bluth heads to Motherboy XXX.

“Her thing is wearing something no one else is going to wear. I can tell you right now she has achieved that 100% today,” says Victoria, somehow managing to keep a straight face.

The girls meet the boat’s captain Paul, and Krissy, champers in hand, immediately lurches in for a pash.

She’s seconds away from whispering an off-colour ‘Poop deck’ joke in his ear

“The whole floor has become slippery because of her drooling,” says Athena, who could at least be proactive and use that jaunty little beret of hers to mop it up.

The boat is Mariah Carey-level swanky, but Victoria’s guests are aghast at the news that they’ll have to share rooms. Everyone’s doubling up, except for Athena — a tactical move from Victoria, and possibly a last-minute decision after that orgasm chat the night before.

They set sail and moor at an island for the day, and while the others go snorkelling and paddle-boarding, Athena and Melissa settle on the beach for a heart-to-heart.

Friends listen. REAL friends listen in COSTUME JEWELLERY

Melissa acknowledges that she’s been quite subdued so far during her time on Real Housewives. “I don’t know why — as soon as I get in a group of strong women, I just have no voice,” she sighs.

In an attempt to make Melissa feel more comfortable in this group of women, Athena gives her some advice: “Victoria was actually saying that you look anorexic. But stop giving a damn what they think!” Yeah doll, that helped.

It’s time for lunch. All the housewives assemble on the beach for an extravagant spread — except Lisa, who’s nowhere to be seen.

Hmm ... Last time Matty and Nicole saw her was when they left her out snorkelling alone on the reef...?

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW OPEN WATER STARTED YOU AWFUL PEOPLE.

While they wait for Lisa to be picked up by a passing trawler, they toast Victoria, thanking her for arranging the holiday.

All except Athena, that is.

“Every time you do something lovely, it’s almost like the cow gives the milk and then it decides to poo in the milk,” she tells Victoria.

So what’s the issue here? Did Victoria actually poo in her milk? It appears Athena’s angry that Victoria didn’t personally walk she and the other girls to their rooms on the boat and make sure they had everything they needed.

“I’ve been a guest on MANY yachts,” Athena humblebrags, “and usually the host will walk you to your room and make sure you’re comfortable. Victoria did none of that.”

These deeply relatable women could debate luxury yacht etiquette all day, but they’re interrupted by Lisa, marching up the beach with a face like thunder.

“Are you f**king serious?” she yells at the ladies, all sat tucking into their champagne and lobster.

“I got stuck in a current, I nearly f**king drowned!”

Lisa says she nearly drowned in the placid water between shore and the boat ... which is like 100 metres from shore? Look just go with this OK

Lisa explains she had drifted several hundred metres from shore and was treading water, frantically waving a hands-over-head ‘SOS’ signal. Matty, bless her, had assumed she was doing the YMCA.

But where is your handle, Lisa? And where is your spout?

It’s all very distressing to hear, but Lisa rather shoots herself in the foot when she describes her heroic rescuer.

“FINALLY, this morbidly obese guy on a kayak towing a giant inflatable swan came by …”

The others collapse in fits of giggles.

She had them until 'morbidly obese swan-toting rescuer'

“I’m calling BS on the rescue,” announces Krissy.

Later that evening, the ladies retreat to the boat for dinner. Despite — or perhaps because of — Lisa’s near death experience, they’re in high spirits.

“We’re having a great time, we’re all laughing, Athena’s got the most hilarious turban on,” says Victoria.

That she does.

Turban made from 100% genuine elephant scrote

Melissa decides she needs to speak up, and asks Victoria about that ‘eating disorder’ allegation. Victoria looks shocked. Athena shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

“I have said you’re thin ...? I spoke to you about it one-on-one. I told you, when you’re 50, you’re going to look back and regret that you weren’t romping around in a G-string,” says Victoria.

Hmm. Not quite ‘Melissa’s anorexic’, is it?

Based on the look she shoots Athena, it seems clear who Melissa’s choosing to believe:

‘Hey Athena: Poxy is the Word’

Lisa, who’s been quiet throughout the meal, confides to Nicole why she’s having such a tough day. It’s her wedding anniversary. “I’m sad that everything’s f**ked up,” she says, bursting into tears.

‘Babes if you’re gonna run off for another strop can I finish your cocktail’

She flees the table, and once again, Nicole follows. Victoria’s fast losing patience with these little outbursts.

“Why aren’t you with your husband? Why are you on a boat with seven girls, crying about not being with your husband?”

Lisa retreats to a bathroom, getting more emotional by the minute.

Retreating to the bathroom for a good cry.

“Fifteen years ago our relationship was perfect. How did it get to this? It’s almost like we can’t stand the sight of each other, and I’m so sad. I’m so desperately sad. I haven’t felt joy in such a long time,” she says between sobs.

Much like the advice Victoria gave her last episode, Nicole’s is practical and to the point: Talk this over with a psychologist or counsellor, because crying on a reality TV show isn’t going to fix what ails you.

Next week: Lisa flees the boat and the ‘bunch of harpies’ at first light. But is life any better on dry land? Oh, and Athena’s big gallery opening descends into a spectacular meltdown involving more than half the cast. Guys, we hate to tease you but we have seen next week’s episode and it. Is. REMARKABLE.

The Real Housewives of Sydney screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel. Check back right after each episode for our full recap, and in the meantime, talk all things Housewives on Twitter with recapper Nick Bond at @bondnickbond before Athena has him turned into a handbag.